New Study: Does Watching Porn turn you into a rapist? No!

According to the man-haters of today, men who look at porn (all of us) become rapists.

This study proves this wrong.   The correlation between porn-use and sexual-coercion disappears when you take into account the type of porn watched.  Men who watch abusive porn are more likely to abuse women, but men who watch mainstream porn are no more likely to abuse women than men to (lie) say that they don’t look at porn.

This has been my point all along.  Christians, instead of preaching against porn, should be MAKING it.  We should be producing erotica about couples are preparing for a monogamous lifetime of loving marriage.

I have examples of this type of erotica at HolyErotica.com

How to prepare your wife for the porn conversation

Do you want a strong marriage. Don’t keep secrets, especially this secret

I recently heard a man who had been married for over 40 years talk about how he had to clear his internet browsing history to keep his wife from finding out that he looked at erotica.  When I asked why he didn’t tell her, he said, “Duh, because I don’t want her to leave me.”

Oh, come on, don’t give me that.  You’re telling me that a wife who has loved her husband and put up with his ups and downs for 4 decades is going to leave him, not because he STARTS to look at pictures of pretty girls, but because HE HAS BEEN ALL ALONG.    Why would she do that?

Secondly, are you going to tell me that she doesn’t already know?   Give me a break.  I’ve been married 30 years.  I can assure you that any attempt to keep any behavior, especially one that I regularly engage in, a secret from her is futile and foolish.  Guys, you know, and I know, and she knows everything that you regularly do.  A wife that has been with you that long can read you like police read license plates.

I am not suggesting that you blurt it out all at once, tonight.  First, she must get used to the idea that you and every other man she knows (including that suuuuuper spiritual pastor of hers) looks at porn all the time.

So here is how you make her face this obvious fact.  Every time you come across an article like this one that tells how many pastors, how many men, how many Christians watch porn you tell her about it and laugh.

“Look, honey, did you see that 57% of pastors admit that they watch porn on the sly.   I can’t believe that 43% would lie that way.”

She will act horrified at first.  “I don’t believe that all the pastors look at that trash.”

Then give her a knowing look.  “Yes, my darling, I hate to tell you this.  But they do.”

If she wants to pursue this then she will ask you directly.  “Are you saying that all men look at porn.”

Say, “Well, maybe girly men don’t look at naked women.  They look at men.”

Huff, Huff, “Have you?”

“Have I what?”

“Looked at porn.”

“Baby,” grab your crotch, “I got balls, I can prove it.”

“What!”

“You are making me horny looking at my balls that way.  Let me show them to you naked.”

You get the idea.  Convince her that every man WITH BALLS looks at porn.  Don’t be afraid to use the “No true Scotsman.” fallacy.  This is one case where it actually works.

Now, the important thing to do here is stop discussing porn and start discussing your balls.  Make every discussion about porn turn on how masculine you are.  How much she likes sex with you.  How much she wants your RIGHT NOW.

Now, don’t be ashamed to watch HBO series like Game of Thrones with her.  When the sex scenes come up start touching your wife.  She will act angry and say, “DON’T YOU TOUCH ME AFTER LOOKING AT HER.”

You’re reply is, “I’m horny, let’s have sex.”

The key is to make associate erotica with masculinity, and particularly with YOUR masculinity.

DO NOT BACK DOWN!!!!

This is key.  She may act like she is going to refuse you sex.  Hold you ground.  Masturbate when she can see you and know that you are jerking it.  If she gets mad, then ask her to have sex.

The fact is that she married a man.   BE A MAN!   Be the man that she wants.   Every time she asks the question “Do you watch porn.” You reply. “I’ve got balls.  I’m a man.”

If she tries to tell you that so-and-so is a man “Josh McDowell, James Dobson, your pastor” and “he doesn’t watch porn.”  Then answer, “Then how come he knows so much about it?”

Because we are men, we know that other men are looking at naked women.  Women know this to, but they try to stay in denial.  Take this denial away from them.  Make them face your masculinity.

Meanwhile, be sweet, be kind.  DO NOT YELL!

Did you hear me.  DO NOT YELL!

I repeat myself. DO NOT YELL!

If you yell, then you have lost the masculinity argument.  You have admitted that men can’t control themselves.  Porn will just be another example of how evil you are instead of how evidence of how masculine, sexy and desirable you are.

Don’t be like that poor little beat rooster who was still sneaking around after 40 years.

Be a man.  Run your house with holiness, Godliness, and honesty.

Best of Holy Erotica 1/3/2018

There have been several changes over at our companion site HolyErotica.com.  Firstly, we are auto-importing all of our searches into draft-status every day.   Previously, each search was manually done.  Now we can assure that each day we will look through somewhere near 40 new items.  About 20 to 30 of these items we will not use because they are anal/bondage/lesbian/threesome/group/homemade or just poor quality.  So each day you should see between 10 and 20 new quality couple and solo erotica show up.

Secondly, I am loosening up the standards a bit on music videos.  I won’t not import a good video just because it flashes a few lesbian scenes.  If the quality is, in general, erotic and couple themed, I let it through the filter.

This week we started importing the work of some individual porn stars and, addition have some nice celebrity and music videos.

Please forgive me if I accidentally let some videos through that have the any of the rotten stuff through.  I try to go by the titles and pictures.  I, obviously, do not watch this much porn and am not going to go through all of it, scene by scene.

Bo Derek in Woman of Desire (Ok, I’m old enough to still get hot over “You Jane”)

Lena Paul beautiful scene

BIIIIIGGGG bazongas

Interacial Scene

Police Interrogation like you’ve never seen it before

Ramon Nomar, Latin Lover

Poolside Softcore

Enjoy, and remember to love your wife and MAKE love to her many times a week.

 

“Christian Naturism” (Nudists) are wrong, But Holy Erotica is right

 

Image result for Christian naturists

 

While I believe that erotic videos and sexual depictions are normal and should be a part of a normal Christian life, I do not believe that Naturism or the nudist lifestyle is normal.  Here is why.

In 2012, ABC news ran a piece on Growing Up Nudist about a nudist camp where families live full-time.  The article makes nudism sound natural and good.   It sounds like these people live in the Garden of Eden.  There are a lot of Christian Naturist sites that promote this lifestyle.

The usual rap against the naturists are that they are “immodest.”  That somehow they are encouraging swinging and fornication.  Firstly, this isn’t true, or it is only true for people that have grown up with a nudity taboo that equates nakedness with sex (that includes most Americans) but it is possible to raise children with a different attitude.

I have a different take.  It is impossible to read the Bible without realizing that nakedness was shameful.  But I do not believe that this shamefulness was related to sex.  The people of the ancient world saw naked people and slaves all of the time.  Poor people often did not have clothes and they certainly didn’t have privacy.  They did not get to bathe alone – or even in the presence of only the same sex.  David was excited by the body of Bathsheba while she was bathing because she was beautiful.  It was not considered abnormal for her to be bathing on the housetop.    The mere sight of a breast would not excite biblical people.  There were no titty bars in the ancient world, there were only brothels.    The attire of a harlot related to the color, cut, and ornaments of the woman, not her nakedness.   Nakedness was shameful because it showed poverty.

But there is a reason that nakedness is bad.  I just came across this passage in the book, “The Brother’s K.” In it a harelipped girl is praying in church.

“Nyearest Nyeesus!” she calls out, her voice, her whole body quivering. “Nank nyou!, nank nyou!, for yall nyour nyimmy nyimmy nmlessings, nand for nthis nay of Nhristian Nyellowshipt!” At the words nyimmy nyimmy Micah uncorks a snicker—and there are lots of answering snorts today. Maybe there always are. Maybe I just hear them today because I’m stuck next to her. My stomach clenches. Most of me wants to snort with the others, but part of me, remembering the pool in the kingdom, makes me gouge my knuckles in my eye sockets and fight to hear her prayer, “Mlease, nLord!” Vera cries, as if she’s pleading with an ax murderer. “Mlease fornivvus our snins and nrespassenth! Nwee are nso nunworthy, nso nvery nvery nunworthy!” Noses blow violently; half-stifled giggles circle the room like pigeons trapped in a barn. Beal keeps his head bowed, but clears his throat and steps threateningly around his podium. “Nopen our narts, nwee veseech nThee!” Vera prays.

“Nyelp us to nlove nyou nmore and nmore!” she prays as Micah laughs outright, “and nmore and nmore!” she pleads as girls grab Kleenex, “and snill nyet nmore!” she begs as boys fizz up and overflow like jostled bottles of pop. “Nenter our narts!” she cries, her voice breaking, her body trembling so violently it makes my chair tremble too. “Nenter nthem now! Nright now! Nwee are nso nlost, nso nvery nlost, nwithout nThee!” And even as it occurs to me that this must be real prayer—even as I see that what is being laughed at is the sound of someone actually ramming a heartfelt message past all the crossed signals and mazes of our bodies, brains and embarrassments clear on in to her God—when I open my fists and peek at Vera I see a face so exposed, so twisted with love, grief and longing, that if she was my sister I would take off my coat, and I’d wrap her up and hold her, and I would beg her never, ever to do this naked, passionate, impossible thing again.

 

Duncan, David James. The Brothers K (p. 85). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

The girl is showing the ultimate nudity, not the nakedness of the body, but of the soul.  She was “naked before God.”  In a sense she was bathing her soul, and while this is a wonderful experience in private, it is horrible to see in public.

No one wants other people to know their hidden flaws

Adam and Eve “saw that they were naked.”   They realized that they had been living without law and without morality, that they were little better than animals.  Their immediate response was to cover themselves.  And we still cover ourselves today, not just in our physical bodies, but in our outward show of our innermost person.   We call other people “hypocrites” when they fail to live up to their standards, but few of us wish to live in a public confessional booth.  It is a normal and healthy desire to want to hide our imperfections and failures from other humans – even if we are willing to tell them to God.  There is a reason why the Catholic priests are so defensive of the “seal of the confessional.”

Not having been to a nude beach, I don’t know personally, but I have heard that it is not a pretty sight.  I do know that the true “amateur porn” – the homemade kind – is very, very ugly.   If I wanted to see pimple-covered buttocks that close I would use a mirror.

During one of my medicine rotations, I was informed that I would have to do a genital examination.  I told my preceptor that “We psychiatrists see more genitals than we examine.”   And that is true.  Many of my sickest patients attempt to run around naked, it is a big problem on the psych ward.

The reason for this is that psychotic people have boundary issues.  They cannot tell where their souls and the souls of other people should be separated.  They have unlimited sex; they run around naked; they masturbate in public.  They have no sense of where their lives end and where the lives of others start.

This is what Revelations is talking about:

Rev 3:18 I counsel thee to buy of me .. white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear

“Alright,” you say, “you have said why people shouldn’t show their nakedness to others.  Then why in the world, Dr. Ed, would you say that holy erotica (Christian Porn) can exist.”

Because Erotica, when it is properly done, is anything but naked.   Have you ever seen Playboy’s “Adult Film School” tv series?  In it, a porn producer brings in amateur couple who have made a home sex video and were unsatisfied with it.  She helps them to produce high quality Erotica.

In their home film, the couple are merely naked, but the professional film is highly erotic.

In his song, King Solomon tells the tale of a loving couple.  He describes their bodies in great detail and the sex acts that they perform.  But it is not merely telling of nude sex, rather he is telling of ideal love and ideal love-making with ideal people.   He is portraying God’s view of what perfect sex should be.

Some people are beginning to product this sort of erotica

This, I believe, is appropriate.  In high-quality erotica, the people don’t have on clothes, but neither are they truly “naked.”  In fact, they are made-up, airbrushed, and idealized.  Their flaws are not displayed.  I have links to this sort of erotica at my website HolyErotica.com  To go back to my “Naked before God” metaphor, they are not praying “Nyearest Nyeesus” but rather the Book of Common Prayer.

Now, in fact, the regular sex of a loving husband and wife is wonderful because it is infused with their love.  Even the quick sleepy sex from a nocturnal boner is sweet because my wife gives herself to me unsparingly, even if she starts snoring before I orgasm.   But this would be extremely UNattractive to strangers watching.

So, no, I do not believe that Christian Naturism is a healthy movement (although it is not by nature Ungodly), but Holy Erotica is good.

Christian Porn

Hot Christian Couple
Erotica is good and appropriate for married couples to watch together

Yes, Christian Porn exists.  Yes, you can look at it without guilt.  Yes, God intended you to watch erotica.  And, yes, you can find it here.

And, no it is not an addiction.

So much of the church world is consumed by the “fight against porn” that very little energy is left to preach the gospel and fulfill the great commission.  And, despite all of the efforts to combat it, the usage of porn among church-going people and non-church-going people is exactly the same.   Even the pastors are “addicted”.  (No, they aren’t)

So, let’s do a logic exercise.  If some non-miniscule part of the proclaiming Christian world are serious about their faith, and if some non-miniscule portion of these people are turning to God to help them with the “porn addiction,” and if God is willing to help his saints with this “problem” THEN the statistics of porn usage among proclaiming Christians would be lower than the usage of non-Christians by some non-miniscule degree.

But this is not so.  Christians in America watch porn at the same rate as non-Christians.  So, at least one of the following must be true.

  1. There are a miniscule number of “real” Christians who are asking God for help
  2. God is not willing to help his saints
  3. God doesn’t hate porn.

I suspect that a lot of our self-righteous evangelicals out there will probably choose number 1.   But this is really sad.  I meet way to many people who spend their lives praying, seeking God, living for God for me to believe that they are all deceived.  Why do you think that half of the calls to Focus on the Family are from people trying to find a way to “overcome” porn.  Do you really think that none of them are serious about loving and serving God.  Why would they make such a call if they were not.

Number 2 cannot be chosen by any Christian.

Number 3 is the only logical choice.  And it is confirmed by the Bible.

 

 

More discussion of Rick Warren’s wife’s confession

Several months ago, I linked to an article about Rick Warren’s wife’s confession that she had looked at porn.   I also commented upon the article at the Catholic site that wrote it.

I recently got this reply.

Your link refers to 1 Tim 4. However, 1 Tim 4 warns against those whose cheapen marriage, and that warning seems to me about you as well. Because pornography how it made, who makes it, and how its treats sex, in OUR CULTURE has no redeeming features. Therefore pornography in our culture must be rejected in every way.

Also in the same passages, Paul preaches for ‘purity’. It can only refer to sexual purity.

I also don’t see how Warren’s experience cheapens what you are trying to do. That is a straw man argument. I agree with you that erotica is a very good thing, but I also believe the teachings of the Catholic Church that masturbation is a sin– with the same questioning as Peter who asked. ‘then how can anyone be saved?’. When Paul refers to thanksgiving, he is referring the the Catholic view, he is not in any way supporting porn that was very prevalent in the Roman culture.

I agree that some of your reflections are warranted in that it reflect the view in Protestantism that regards sex as fundamentally dirty. This comes from Luther’s teaching that the physical world is fundamentally corrupted, versus the Cathol ic teaching that matter is good but our relationship to it is tarnished but re-storable, healed by santifying grace (also rejected by Luther).

My site is mainly about evangelical opposition to erotica.  As this writer makes clear, Catholicism teaches even against masturbation.  Now if a man can’t rub one out, then he obviously shouldn’t be looking at porn.  Masturbation and erotica are closely linked.  I talk about this here.

He has two points.

  1. Porn cheapens marriage because of the evilness of the porn industry

This is currently true.  The porn industry considers itself sinful and it treats women as objects to be used and discarded.  Even though at HolyErotica.com I attempt to only import high quality romantic couples erotica, I often link to videos produced by SinfulXXX and LustHD .   What is so strange about these videos is that they are not displaying things that are sinful or lustful.  A couple is perfectly can engage in perfectly holy sex without it being lust.  It is probably true that the couple portrayed are not married or even in a committed relationship, there is nothing about the act or the erotica, itself, that is sinful or lustful.

The problem is that Christians have, in recent decades, turned sex over to the sinners.  This is wrong.  Sex was created by God and is wonderful, holy, and lovely.    Naked women are beautiful and were created by God in his own image (not that God is a woman.  The explanation of this is left as an exercise for the reader).    Erotica should have been – as it was by Solomon and as the Renaissance artists  – done by and about Christians and holy people about holy sex and nudity.  See here, and here, and here.

I remember when I was taking my High School senior picture I saw in the artist’s studio a picture of a nude pregnant wife.  I was horrified and embarrassed.    How could a woman allow herself to be displayed to the public that way?   You see, I had been convinced that nudity was sinful.  I had fallen for the sinful pornographer’s trick.

There is a wonderful post about this by a catholic at patheos.com

2) Masturbation is a sin and so therefore porn is evil.

For a faithful Catholic, I suppose, this is an easy one.  The pope says masturbation is wrong.  We are done.  But, maybe it isn’t quite so simple.  It is, after all, only a venial sin.  A trip to confession and a few Hail Mary’s and all is well.

But for those of us who don’t have to take the Pope’s word for it, the subject isn’t that difficult.  Presumably the New Testament writers (who were all men) knew how to jerk it.    In all of their very specific lists of sins. (Adultery, fornication, lasciviousness…murder, drunkeness…)  they never seem to get around to “wanking.”

“Well they don’t mention smoking either.”  Really?  Is that your argument.  Smoking is new and the biblical authors had never heard of it, but I am confident that Cain and Able knew all about playing with their little peters.  The Bible has time to forbid sex with your aunt, with your cousin, with your step-mother, but never mentions sex with yourself.

Actually it does mention it.

Leviticus 15:16 And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.

In other words, sex with your wife and masturbation with yourself are mentioned in the same passage, and the same instruction is given for both circumstances.  Take a bath!

 

What a holy and erotic marriage (with porn) is like

Yes,  sex multiple times a day is normal for long-term marriages

According to the “Good Man Project

The majority of couples I’ve interviewed that have been married for greater than five years will have sexual intercourse at the rate of 4 to 12 times per month.

Horse-hockey.  No, I don’t mean that this doctor is incorrect in his assessment.  I mean, that it is horse-hockey that this is normal.  No, it isn’t.   It is also normal for people to have affairs after being married for 5 years.  If they are only have sex 2 to 3 a week, then I would consider an affair inevitable.

I have been married for over three decades.  That statistic should be closer to 2 to 3 times each day.   I mean, there is the “going to sleep” sex, the “morning wood”sex and they “middle of the night in our sleep” sex, besides the afternoon “came home early from work and got horny” sex.    Besides that, you’ve got the living room sex and the kitchen sex.  How do people fit all of that into just 12 times in a month?

Why do married people stop having so much sex?  I’m not sure, but the “being together five years” statement makes me suspicious.  It sounds like the couple are getting bored and stop using stimuli that are related to each other.    I am absolutely confident that men who are only having sex with their wives 4 times a month are masturbating to porn much, much, more commonly than that.

If a man is actually a good man who has taken the appropriate masculine role in his family, then he can change this by bringing his wife in on his sexual habits.  Marriage is about shared sex.

If you don’t know how to do this, then you have to start by getting your wife to accept that you watch porn.  Here is my article about that.

How to tell your wife you watch porn

So, once you have helped your wife understand that erotica is a normal and important part of a holy man’s wife.  You can simply start watching it in front of her.   If she has been raised in the feminized anti-sex church, then she will know that she is supposed to be mad about this.  Weather the storm; be a man.   Offer to have sex with her right then.  If she refuses, rub one out in front of her.

Remember, she is not actually angry on her own behalf.  She is angry because she has been told that she is supposed to be angry.   This is what the other women are telling her she is supposed to do.

Tell her this.   Explain to her, repeatedly, that you are and have been a faithful husband.  You are a godly man who loves her.  You don’t want to have sex with other women and you will not have sex with other women.  Tell her that God and the Bible are on your side. She has the opinions of her girlfriends.  Which one is supreme in your home?  Refer her to the other articles on this this website if she wants to argue about it.

This is not going to be easy.  This is going to take some time.  Probably months.  By kind, be understanding, be loving.  Don’t yell, don’t raise your voice.  BUT DO NOT GIVE IN ON THIS.  You are fighting for the long-term health of your family.

Eventually, your wife is going to make love to you while porn plays in the background.  She will start having more orgasms because, the real fact of ths matter is, it is going to turn her on.  (It is important to use only holy erotica for this. Female-friendly, romantic.    You can find it gathered at HolyErotica.com so you don’t have to go browsing to find it.

This should not be something you do a couple times a week.  Wake up each morning getting wood from erotic pictures.  Go to bed each night after screwing like rabbits while watching erotica.

Eventually, the erotica will be less necessary.  She’ll be jumping your bones in the shower, in the living room.  You will wake up at night to her frigging your leg.

That, my friends, is what a holy marriage looks like.

Pastor questions his porn legalism and then stops thinking

James Emory White is a pastor in Charlottesville NC.  He writes an article asking “Is Pornography Really Wrong?”  I thought, wow, this is amazing, a pastor who actually asks the question.

Sadly, it’s only pretend.  The question was only asked as a trick to get people to read the same disproved points that the legalists have been trying to push for years.

  1. It is lust — Not it isn’t.  No Jesus did not tell you that you couldn’t look at anything that turned you on.  He told you not to LUST.  Lust is desire out of control.  If you don’t make plans, or wish you could get into a woman’s pants, you haven’t lusted.  Admiring her body is not lust
  2. It is addictive — No it isn’t.  The American Psychiatric Association has spoken on this repeatedly.  But this isn’t the pastor’s real problem.  If he really thought that ANY thing that was addictive was sinful, then he would be railing against processed sugar and caffeine.  To substances that don’t cause any problems in people’s lives but are, unquestionably, addictive
  3. It is degrading to women — Not all of it is.  If this is his problem, then he ought to be directing his men to HolyErotica.com  because it doesn’t have degrading porn.
  4. “Studies show” It leads to other sins (specifically rape) —   Absolute and total nonsense.  There is no study that shows such a thing.  He doesn’t bother to actually link to any of these “studies”
  5. It harms your relationship with your spouse —- According to him, Porn causes you to stop have sex with your wife.   This is nonsense, and many, many studies have proven this repeatedly.  For example, read this post.
  6. It desensitizes your soul —- or, makes God pull away from you because you are sinning.  This is called “Begging the Question”  or “Presuming the consequent”  He presumes porn is wrong and then uses that presumption to claim that God will be displeased, therefore porn must be wrong.  Erotica is wrong because he presumes it is wrong.
  7. It reduces sex to lust — This is the most annoying point of all.  He acts like erotic desire is lust.  This is falling for the lie of the world.  Lust and erotic desire are not related.  If I desire my wife I do not LUST for her.  This is the old dualistic “spirit” and “body” heresy.  He would recognize that as a heresy if he read it in any other context.

This pastor has the same objectivity when talking about erotica as CNN has about President Trump.

Seven things for Christians to do after they jack off to porn

The anti-erotica legalists are almost all women.  But occasionally a man who has been indoctrinated to hate himself writes something.  Today I will link to one of these poor souls.

According to this pH D at Moody Bible Institute, this is what you do after watching porn.  He is wrong, but because he is a man, he actually understands a couple things.

  1. Recognize it is Satan’s fault (LOL)
  2. Fight Self-hatred (induced by your shame because of what other people told you)
  3. Fight the haze (Don’t relax, because you must be always tense to be a christian)
  4. Guard others (apparently you are now an incipient rapist, just waiting to anally rape anyone)
  5. Confess to friend (so he can feel better about HIS porn use)
  6. Use your clarity for good. (Apparently, now that your balls are empty, you can use your frontal lobe again)
  7. Know your God (pray and pray until you get horny the next time)

Poor, sad, deluded man.  His whole life is about porn.  He lives in between his porn use episodes in a haze of shame, confession, trying to find new restrictions that will stop him next time, anguished prayer and self-flagellation, and then, inevitably, the next porn episode.

How much better would it be if he simply accepted the Bible standard.  Erotic desire is the natural and holy part of life.  Instead of trying to force himself to not have testicles, he could have rejoiced in it, shared this part of his life with his wife, and spent his freed-up energy to help his fellow man.

Why Christian Erotica is about holiness and not fornication

The purpose of Christian Erotica is to increase Christian Marital Sex and Intimacy

I was recently contacted by a young man who wanted me to help him find a way to have internet sex with women.  He didn’t want to find a girlfriend and he wasn’t searching for a wife, he just wanted to have meaningless and faceless sex.

I didn’t help him.  Because that is not what this site and it’s companion site HolyErotica.com is about.

I maintain these sites (even though I make no money and actually spend money on them) because I believe in Christian marriage, Christian sex, and  Christian intimacy.

Like all men, I dreamed of sex from a very young age.  I asked God to please not return in the rapture before I could have sex.  I was a virgin horn dog.  But I didn’t get to kiss a girl until well after high school.   The girls probably sensed the hormones coming off of me and ran for their lives.

Because I needed sex so much, I sought desperately for a wife.  I found a great one.    It turns out that she was just as much of a horny virgin as I was.   Otherwise she would never have married a broke college student.

You see, marriage is almost never a practical idea, just a good one.    The reason that we got married is because that was the only holy way to get lots and lots of sex.

And it did us well.  Marriage is never practical but it is very good for people.  It is not practical for a man to have to work long hours because he has responsibilities, but “it is not good for a man to dwell alone.”   It is not practical to have a baby with his wife, but it is good for him, his wife, and their child.

The purpose of Holy Erotica is not to provide an alternative to seeking a wife or to having sex with your wife.  It is intended to help you be more sexual with the wife that God intends you to have.   For single men, it is intended to make you want a wife more and too seek one out.  “He that FINDETH a wife findeth a good thing.”  And FINDING requires SEARCHING.  Porn with masturbation does not DECREASE a man’s desire for a woman.  It doesn’t “drain his balls” and “give him relief.”  Did you honestly think it did?  It makes him want a woman.  If he is a Christian, it makes him want a wife.

Having said all of that.  I know that almost all of the readers are yelling at their computer screen – “BUT THAT ISN’T THE WAY IT WORKS ANYMORE”   I know that.  I am a psychiatrist and I hear stories daily that would give you nightmares.  I know that this is not 1950 anymore.  I realize that people can find sex easily.  They can buy it  within a few hours and with a little more effort they can use the online apps to find hookups.  Quality sex robots are only months away.

Here is the key, the Bible was not written in 1950.  The ancient world had pervasive sexuality also.  Slaves had no rights and could be used at will.  Temple prostitutes were cheap.   Privacy was non-existent and nudity abounded.    Yet Paul tells the Corinthians “Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid.” (I Cor 6:15)  In the midst of the Vegas of the ancient world.    God expected people to live like they were in 1950’s America.

I like sex.  I like to watch videos about sex, read stories about sex, and look at pictures of sex and sexy people.    This has done me well, because I have a great wife who I can be sexually intimate with.  We are close and become closer because of all of the sex that we have.  This is the purpose of erotica, this is the purpose of sex, and this is the purpose of marriage.

Religion versus Christianity

During Jesus’ ministry, he was not the most HOLY person around.  Christianity is not like today’s Republican politics, where the person who can claim to be the most conservative wins the prize.   Christianity consists of loving Christ and growing in health together with him.

Today’s Pharisee position is that erotica is wrong.  This is the “holy” position.  It doesn’t matter that the Bible doesn’t back that position.  All that matters is that being against erotica is Religious and Holy.

But if a man truly wants to be in tune with Christ, he should stop trying so hard to fight against the erotic nature that God intended him to have.  Instead of fighting this “temptation” he ought to shape it and mold it into the image of Christ.   He should encourage his erotic nature to direct itself toward females and in particular one female – his current or future wife.  “Porn” (more properly called Erotica) is a natural and holy part of that.

Best of Christian Erotica 12/8/17

For Christian men who want to see high quality erotica that includes only loving couples making love – here are my favorite posts of the week.

I hope you brought you wife some flowers home today!   Here are some links to get you up and randy for a night of sex with the woman God gave you.

Organ Grinder music video Contains only couples making sweet wonderful love

Bring roses for your wife wearing tight jeans

She turns herself on with masturbation before sex with  her husband

His wife is really, really good at fellatio (Background music included)

Jesse Jane, a tropical beach and beautiful music.  What else is there to say?

Enjoy.  And remember to make love to your wife (Not just have sex) daily!  If you don’t have one – seek a good one and obtain favor from the Lord.

The only way to quit watching porn

operant conditioning and pornography
If you must quit porn, use this method

There is a way to help men stop viewing porn – at least as much or as often.  If a man must, by his convinced religious beliefs, forbid himself this behavior, then he ought to be helped to do so in the most healthy way possible.

As you know if you read this site,  I don’t believe that Christians should be forced to quit viewing porn.  I believe that the healthy male life includes erotica.   However, there is a set of Christians who will never be able to believe this.  These men will continue to suffer the guilt and self-destruction from indulging in this natural behavior.   These men have been led astray into unhealthy ways of trying to quit.  Firstly, the “Cognitive Behavior Therapy” method doesn’t work.  That is like treating a stomach ulcer with NSAIDS for a headache.  It just makes the situation worse.

So, for these men, I say this.  Stop trying to treat a sex “addiction.”  You are not addicted.  There are many sinful or undesirable behaviors that are not addictions.  These are behaviors that are normal, correct, and desirable but are often performed in ways or at times that are sinful or unhealthy.

A great example is food.  if we desire food we are not necessarily a glutton.  Yet we have all seen people whose eating is harmful to themselves and others.  Eating, working, exercising, giving, praying/meditating, rejoicing, relaxing, and playing are all behaviors that are desirable and needful in moderation.  If we find any person who doesn’t perform these behaviors at all, they are unhealthy.  But a workaholic, anorexic, sloth, or excessive jokester also have a pathology in need of treatment.
Similarly, sex is not an addiction, but rather a desirable behavior that must be performed in moderation.  An ascetic man who defrauds his wife is no more holy than a man who defrauds her by giving himself to porn rather than her.
Addiction is treated by cognitive behavior therapy and by 12 step programs – by sponsors and “accountability partners” – by helping the person to be mindful of their desires and redirecting himself to other desires – by getting them to avoid their triggers.  But this doesn’t work in any normal behavior.    We do not help dieters by cognitive behavior therapy or 12 step programs.    We teach them to use behavioral conditioning.
Conditioning is illustrated by the famous “Pavlov’s dog” example.  Pavlov rang a bell and fed his dogs, eventually the dogs slobbered whenever they heard a bell.  This is called classical conditioning.  We later came up with the concept of “operant conditioning” in which a stimulus is associated with a behavior and a reward or punishment    For example, to get people to put on a seat belt we supply a noxious stimulus – a beep – that will not stop until the behavior (seat belt clicked) is performed.  This is “negative reinforcement” = the removal of a noxious stimulus.
The removal of the association of a stimulus with a behavior is called extinction.  This is what some pastors want to accomplish in their porn-viewing men.  The association of the normal stimulus (erotic desire) with the undesireable behavior (porn viewing) is extinguished.
There are many interesting methods to do this – google “operant conditioning” and “extinguish” and you will find many useful ideas.  But one rule I want to specifically mention.
—— Associations are weakened when the stimulus occurs in the absence of the behavior —-
In other words, the more often a man has an orgasm in the absence of porn use the weaker his impulse to view porn will be.    Similarly, the more often he wakes up in the morning with a nocturnal erection (morning wood) and does not have sex with his wife, the less often he will desire to have sex with his wife.
This fits with how Paul said to “avoid fornication”  in I Corinthian’s 7.  “every man have his own wife”, “better to marry than burn” and “defraud ye not one another.”
So, if a man is having a problem with porn, the answer is NOT accountability partners, but rather more sex.  Instead of using porn till he doesn’t want his wife.   His wife should rather keep his balls so drained that he doesn’t have anything left for porn.

How often should christian boys masturbate?

Masturbation frequency
Should you limit your right arm exercise?

Ok, I will confess up front.  I’m actually discussing whether porn is addictive, but I am coming about it the long way.

Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, recently treated a young christian man of 18 who was “addicted to masturbation.”   He masturbated once a week.

(I wonder if he ever splurged and did it twice?)

I had hoped that the Christian world has gotten past the churches trying to destroy their young men this way, but I’m afraid not.  I know that in my day the church made us feel terrible.  I know of one young man in the late ’70’s who would come home to his parents after making out with his girlfriend on her front porch (a girl he married the next year – the baby was born 8 months later).  He would have them get up and pray with him to overcome temptation.  He was being tempted to relieve his blue balls using “Mother Thumb and her 4 sisters.”

No one thought to complement this virtuous young man on his restraint.  No one told him to possibly relieve some of his tension and maybe help him limit his explorations with his girl.   No, his parents continued to instruct him to “overcome his flesh.”  The resulting baby was very beautiful and has grown into a very wonderful and Godly young man.

 

Few churches teach against masturbation anymore.  But I have a question. What is the upper limit for “holy” masturbation in a day?  Is there a limit?  Once a week?  Twice a week?  Once a day?  Can he splurge and go twice  Ok, you don’t want to put a number on it, but let’s see how many times you think is unreasonable.  Three times a day?  Four?  Five?

I am a psychiatrist.  I have treated manic people who were hypersexual.  They masturbated until they raised blisters on their penis.

But my point still holds even for them.  There is a biological limit on how much a person can masturbate.  After a while it just ain’t no more fun.  You can “edge” as long as you want but eventually you are going to bust a nut.  And there is just so many times you can do that till it gets boring.  Ok, so let’s admit that some men can spend a whole day thinking about sex and playing with themselves.  Can they spend EVERY day this way?

No they can’t.  This isn’t “Call of Duty”  Eventually it just gets boring.

MASTURBATION IS NOT  AND ADDICTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T INCREASE

One of the most important parts of “Addiction” is tolerance.  Yesterday 4 norcos made you feel good.  Today you need 6.  Tomorrow you want 8.  Eventually you need so many to feel good that you take enough to stop your breathing and you die.

But masturbation isn’t like that.  The first squirt of the young man’s week produces a quarter cup.  The next a table spoon.  After while a few drops come out and the resulting orgasm is merely “ok”.   In order to get that first body-shaking seizure-inducing feeling again he is going to have to

Wait!

So masturbation is not addictive.  The sad young man above who believed he was “addicted” to masturbation had simply not choked the chicken to death.

Let’s talk about masturbation some more (please!)

Today, of course, most churches know that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of growing up.  Even Focus on the Family has waved the white flag on this issue.  But for some reason they still want their young men to carry a load of guilt.  James Dobson instructs boys that they can jerk it as long as they don’t “lust” at the same time.  In other words, it should be a purely physical act – kind of like scratching an itch.  No imagination of females should play on the back of closed eyelids.

Amazingly, he is supposed to instantly change his attitude on the night of his marriage.  Suddenly, sex must not be merely scratching an itch, but must be rather be a holy act that is almost entirely about the female.

But let’s be real.  No boy jacks off without imagination.  (If a female reading this thinks that this is not true, ask a man).  So all boys imagine sex while doing “hand to gland combat.”

And – let’s be even more real – today those boys are not simply imagining it on the back of their eyelids.  They are watching porn.

Now let me ask you.  Do they watch porn and NOT jerkoff?

No they do not.  Watching porn and jacking off for the male species is synonymous.    Watching porn without jacking the beanstalk is boooooooring.

So, I ask you.  How much porn can a young man watch?

Do I need to go through this again?  Obviously porn – like masturbation – is self-limiting.  The more you see the less you need to see.    You need a “cooling off period” (or maybe that is a “storing some up” period) before you want to do it again.

Now, some of you may be saying – what about James Dobson’s interview with Ted Bundy the serial killer?  Bundy told Dobson that regular porn got boring so he had to watch more perverted porn, then more perverted until eventually he had to sexually slaughter people in order to feel good.

Ted Bundy was a sociopath who was conning a gullible mark in order to possible get a pardon from President George HW Bush.   This was nonsense.  He was not led to mass murder by porn.  Sociopaths are created at a very young age – usually by extreme neglect and abuse.   Certainly this was true of Bundy’s childhood.

Ask yourself – those of you who have watched porn (that would be EVERY ONE OF YOU MEN)  Did you really find it so boring that you had to watch bestiality in order to shoot your wad?   When you did see the extreme stuff did it really turn you on or did it repel you.  Come on, be honest.

The “escalating nature of porn” is a stupid myth.  No one ever experienced it himself, he just projected his fears onto other men.

Let me (finally) make my point.

Porn is not an addiction because it does not meet the minimum requirement of addiction – an increasing need with decreasing reward.

Science: Christian Erotica Makes Marriages Stronger. Christian Men Should Watch Porn

Couples watching porn
Yes you should watch porn together

Since the new legalists have switched from Biblical to Scientific arguments, I thought that I would begin to let everyone know what the science ACTUALLY says, instead of what the legalists try to tell you it says.

This article that I will explain today is so old that it doesn’t even show up on the academic online searches.  The link will take you to a photocopy of a TYPEWRITTEN paper.   It was published in 1970.   It is so simple, clear, and common-sensical that I’m not surprised that the legalists don’t ever quote it.

So the researcher asked a simple question – How does initiation of porn watching affect stable middle-class, moderately conservative, religious married couples.  So he ran some ads in Palo Alto, CA asking for married couples who wished to fill out some questionaires for money.  He ended up with 83 couples.  No one knew that this was a study about pornography.

So this was a group of people to whom no pornographic videos were available (this is 1970)  only magazines such as Playboy were available.  Few men would sneak into the sleazy adult theatres, so the skin magazines were effectively the only erotica available to conservative men.

So these people were randomly sorted in to groups 15 couples watched nothing but just filled out surveys about their marriage.  68 couples were divided into 2 groups that watched either erotic or non-erotic films.

The couples who watched films were in four groups.  In some only the men watched erotica while their wives watched documentaries, in others the couple watched together without comments from the researchers.  In the third, the couple watched the film after being told that it was likely to improve their relationship.  Finally, the fourth group watched general-interest documentaries.

There were 7 films shown, Themes covered by these films included heterosexual activity, female masturbation, Lesbian activity, male homosexual activity, group sexual activity, and sadomasochism.

The results are so predictable as to be boring.

  1. Couples who were introduced to pornographic films started having more sex
  2. After 8 weeks the frequency of the porno-viewing couples sex decreased to baseline levels – they got bored with the porn.
  3. The couples who were divided into porn-viewing and non-porn viewing had some trouble with the wives getting upset that their husband’s were getting turned on by the films
  4. People who watched the porn became more tolerant of porn watching
  5. People who didn’t watch porn became less tolerant toward porn watching
    1. This was especially pronounced among the women
  6. The non-heterosexual porn turned everyone off.
  7. At the end of the experiment. Everyone had the same amount and the same kind of sex that they had before the experiment.

Now – is any of this surprising?

Wives think that porn-watching (of heterosexual sex) is terrible, terrible until they actually see it with their husband.   Then it turns them on and causes them to have more marital sex. Afterwards, they – and their husbands – get bored with seeing it all the time and return to their baseline behavior.  However, they decide that they may want to see some in the future if they want to get especially turned on.

Couples who have been taught to have legalistic scruples again porn get very upset if they find out that others are getting to watch.  They want to stop anyone else from having fun either.  These censorship desires disappear as soon as they see porn themselves.

Normal heterosexual couples do not become swingers because they see swinger films.  They do not turn into bi-sexuals because they see lesbian or homosexual films.  They turn out to like the romantic sex films (films of couples like themselves) the most.

What does this tell us 50 years later?

Firstly, PORN IS NOT ADDICTIVE.  People who watch porn without feeling guilty about it get bored with it shortly.

Secondly, all of the preaching against porn -all of the men’s retreats – all of the promise-keepers seminars – all of the “your brain on porn” pseudo-science articles – were wasted effort.  That same effort could have gone into producing beautiful and holy erotica that couples could watch whenever they wished in order to revive flagging sex lives.

Finally, we already knew this 50 years ago.  Why did they churches determinedly continue to destroy the christian faith of their men?

I think it is because Mommy made them feel bad about playing with themselves at age 12 and they are still projecting their guilt onto others the rest of their lives.

What science says about pornography and couples

The anti-erotica forces have been trying to use “science” to preach their moralistic crusade.   But mixing the opinions of moralism and the facts of science leads to bad morals and bad science.

This study published this year in “Current Opinion Psychology” tells what the science says.  It is a compilation of all of the current research, and it also suggests what areas are in need of more research.   Unless you have a subscription to a medical library, you won’t be able to read all of this article, so I will quote relevant passages.

Firstly, the people who are going out to prove how bad pornography is for people are doing bad science.  The previous studies state conclusions that aren’t supported by the facts.

While acknowledging that very few studies had assessed the impact of pornography exposure and relationship processes, Manning nonetheless unequivocally agreed with Zillmann’s conclusions a few years later. Of the limited research focusing on the associations between exposure to pornography and relationship processes within dyads, however, the empirical evidence is not so conclusive, with results suggesting both negative and positive influences of pornography use on romantic relationships

Secondly, studies that are LOOKING for the harm of pornography are not producing accurate results.

The majority of research concerning the effects of pornography on relationships assumes, assesses, and subsequently confirms, that pornography is detrimental to relationships. Adopting a ‘harm focused’ approach at the outset of a study places critical limits on what can be learned about the typical impact of pornography on the couple. The assumption of harm will either confirm or fail to confirm negative effects, and by virtue of not measuring non-negative outcomes will necessarily tell us nothing about the occurrence of neutral or positive effects that may also occur. Harm-focused rationales that underlie such investigations are also at odds with observations reported by persons who live in relationships in which pornography is used, which typically suggest that pornography users and their partners  perceive more relationship benefits than harms associated with pornography use.

Most research has not actually measured the impact on the couple’s love-life – instead, only trying to focus on how the individual FEELS about his own use of pornography.  Since this feeling is determined by the constant harping he hears about how evil pornography is, his feelings are not are good guide to whether or not he has been harmed by his viewing of pornography.

Although it is true that romantic relationships involve individuals, typically two at one time , relationship processes cannot be tested by focusing on the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of one individual. Rather, relationships need to be understood in terms of the mutual influence that exists between these individuals over time . Research therefore needs to focus on the links between pornography consumption by one or both partners (alone and/or jointly) on interpersonal processes and relationship outcomes, preferably over time, to best document the negative, neutral, and positive associations of pornography consumption within the dyad.

Finally, the couple research that is being done shows that the effect on porn on relationships is pretty complex, but to simplify it, couples in which the female has not been taught to despise her husband for porn viewing find that their relationship improves – but if the church is trying to enforce an unnatural ascetism on the couple, then the relationship is harmed.

Correlational research by Daneback et al. found that couples in which one partner used pornography reported higher levels of ‘dysfunction’ and a slightly elevated ‘erotic climate’; couples in which both used pornography, though not necessarily together, reported relatively low levels of ‘dysfunction’ and a greater ‘erotic climate’; and couples that did not use pornography at all had average scores on these two clusters of variables. Other correlational studies involving intact dyads have noted that the frequency of men’s pornography use may be associated with lower sexual and relationship fulfilment among couple members while frequency of women’s pornography use may be associated with increased sexual and relational fulfilment among couple members. Taken together with non-dyadic studies of perceived impacts of pornography on the couple relationship, such findings suggest that pornography use can have a range of possible effects on the relationship that are not exclusively negative.

In short, the harm of pornography does not come from the viewing of pornography, but rather from the unnatural expectations placed upon men by the puritans in the church.