Are you tired of the nannies who keep trying to tell us what is bad for us? I know that I am. For some years the vegetarians have been trying to order us to give up meat. They told us that humans are all supposed to be vegetarians or vegans. They enlisted the support of nanny-state regulators to stop us from enjoying Big Macs and T-Bones.
Meanwhile, we doctors have to treat the anemia from the B12, Folic Acid, and iron deficiencies of people who allowed the food puritans to give them orders.
Now a segment of the right has jumped into the Nanny business. Supposedly viewing pornography is now “addiction”. All of the studies disprove this. I treat addicts all of the time. Not once have I had a patient who could not go to work in the morning because he couldn’t stop watching porn. Not once have I had a man who ended up in the emergency room from porn. I have treated hyper-sexual people, but they are, without fail, suffering from another psychiatric disease that caused the hypersexuality. (Bipolar, Mental Retardation, Schizophrenia)
I want you to notice something. All of these “Porn Addiction” experts ARE NOT PSYCHIATRISTS. The number one man out there making money off of these false claims (dare I say “fake news”) is Gary Wilson (Your Brain On Porn). He is not even a scientist. He has not one peer-reviewed study to his name. He is an anatomy lab tech is at a 2nd rate state university.
The Psychiatrists have made it clear. Porn is not an addiction. There is no “Porn Addiction” diagnosis in the manual. It doesn’t have the effect on the brain that drugs and behaviors of addiction do. You do not become desensitized to porn with use, in fact the opposite occurs, the brain responds better with more use. You are no more “addicted” to porn than a newly wed is “addicted” to sex with his wife. Nor does use of porn lead one into more perverse sexual behaviors. The opposite occurs. The young man sees the perverse behaviors, may even try them out, is repelled by them and returns to more healthy sexual habits as he gets older. Ted Bundy’s manipulated his dupe “Dr.” James Dobson into becoming an anti-porn activist. But Dobson has a single child-psychology degree and no post-doctoral research to his name. Bundy claimed that porn caused his abberant behavior. If that is true, then why are the 70% of men who admit to using porn and the 99% of men who actually look at it running around killing people.
What is it in humans that causes us to want others to stop having fun. Is it resentment that if I can’t have fun, then no one else should be able to? Because Mama made me eat my vegetables, I have to make sure everyone eats nothing but vegetables. Because Mama didn’t want me to “play with myself” then I must make sure that no one ever flogs the one-eyed snake?
I have just launched HolyErotica.com. It I have launched this site for the purpose of providing Christians with depictions of pure, loving, and holy sex. Here is my mission statement for the site.
What is “Holy Erotica”
Holy Sex is between a husband and a wife. God intended men (and women) to be excited by the thought of sex. He intended us to be excited about beautiful bodies and the thought of sex with them. There is nothing wrong and everything right about us enjoying written and visual depictions of sex. But these depictions should either be depictions of holy sex or if the sex is unholy, then the depiction ought to include an unattractive end result of sin – which is sorrow, pain, and death.
Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Sex should be beautiful, pure, loving, and kind. It should not involve more than two people. It should not include humiliation, bondage or pain. Both people involved in the erotic depiction should appear to love one another and enjoy the act.
Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.
Good art depicts the ideal, the perfect. So Holy Erotica will show perfect sex. Of course, in real life perfection does not exist, but that doesn’t mean I want to see imperfection. I don’t watch romantic movies where they live unhappily ever after and I don’t watch porn that has pimpled, ugly, fat, and old people. If I wanted to see an old fat guy having sex I would put a mirror on my bedroom ceiling.
Our imaginations were intended to be on holy and pure things. So the videos on this site will show pure sex, between two people or one person with their own self, in its most pure form.
Phillippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I know that most porn is produced by unmarried partners, but the sex act, itself is holy. Just as a beautiful meal can be consumed by a glutton, so also the holy act of sex can be participated in by sinful people. In my mind, the sex depicted is presumed to be marital – I don’t ask for marriage certificates.
I Corinthians 10:27-28 If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake. But if any man say unto you, This is offered in sacrifice unto idols, eat not for his sake that shewed it, and for conscience sake: for the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof:
If, in the depiction, the participants state that they are unmarried, then that video will not be intentionally on this site.
So, the “porn” (really erotica) on this HolyErotica.com site are going to be either solo or between (presumably) married couples who love one another and are mutually enjoying the act. If there is any gagging, “make her swallow”, spanking, BDSM, anal, gang-bangs or other humiliating acts, and (of course) underage sex, then it is by accident and I would appreciate being contacted and informed of my oversight.
Despite the claims of the “porn addiction” crowd, I have viewed porn for over four decades without any desire to “escalate” to depraved acts. I love sex with my wife as much today as I did on our marriage day when we gave our virginity to each other. We both enjoy it a lot more than we did that night because we have gained some skills in the intervening decades – some of those skills were gained by watching “porn.”
I take the position that Christians should watch porn. But in saying this, I do not defend the position that all porn is good. In fact, the vast majority of the porn on the internet is junk. It is full of hatefulness, degradation, gang bangs and adultery. Anyone who loves God knows that these things are evil.
My statement that “I like porn” is similar to the statement “I like sex.” It is not a defense of every act of sex, or even most acts of sex, that take place.
A quote from CS Lewis’ Screwtape Letters is appropriate:
Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s [God’s] ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is [God’s] invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable. An ever-increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula…. To get the man’s soul and give NOTHING in return–that is what really gladdens [Satan’s] heart.
There is a small amount of porn out there, beautiful couple porn and individual person porn, that celebrates the beauty and wonder of sex as God intends it. Two people who love one another have committed themselves to create a family will then celebrate that union in rapturous, orgasmic joy and pleasure. To watch this rapturous joy and vicariously experience in ourselves is to participate in God’s plan or pleasure and to be brought closer to each other and God. This is why he allowed us into the sexual experiences of Solomon and his Shunnamite wife.
I believe my favorite erotic clip of all times is this scene from “The Neon Bull”. (Warning, this clip shows explicit sex). I see a husband making love to the mother of his child. Watching this sort of erotica does not lead me to (as the “porn addiction” advocates claim) see more depraved porn. In fact, depraved sex has never appealed to me. I have never wanted to humiliate my wife with sex. I have never wanted to “split her open”, “make her gag”, “make her swallow” or “make her” do anything else. Sex is not a matter of “using” one another at all, except in the sense that I want my wife to use ME for her pleasure and vica-versa. Occasionally, when I am sated and not particularly needing sex, I enjoy watching my darling enjoy herself with my body.
When I watch this pure sort of erotica, it makes me a better husband, it makes me a better man. I become more loving, I seek to reach the ideal that the erotica
Now, watching the other stuff does not have the same effect. It can make me more selfish, it can make sex with my wife less loving, less pure, less unselfish.
Of course what we watch affects us. It should. That is why God told us,
“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
I am not pleased with how much effort that I have to make to find these pure and holy erotic scenes. I wish that someone would create a website that contained links to only these items. What do you think?
Rick Warren’s wife recently admitted to occasionally viewing porn. Because she is part of the evangelical movement she has to call this occasional use “addiction to porn” even though what she is describing is no more addiction to porn than a vegetarian’s occasional McDonald’s burger is an addiction to meat.
What is happening in the evangelical community is that the traditions of the Victorian age have become internalized until most Christians don’t even realize that we are encourged, not forbidden, to view erotica. As a result, sincere Chritians are spending much of their spiritual energy on an ascetic attempt to “deny the flesh” instead of serving God.
Paul dealt with the same impulse in the early church when he said that “forbidding to marry and commanding to abstain from meats” was a doctrine of devils. (I Tim. 4:3)
The flesh and erotica was created by God, and were intended to be enjoyed by men and women. Christians sexual actions and their erotic thoughts are to be enjoyed either solo or within the boundaries of marriage, because it is within those limits that human beings can best live a holy, healthy, and fulfilled life.
Commanding to abstain from erotica is not Christian anymore than commanding to abstain from meats was Christian in the first century.
So you want your wife to understand and (fantasy) maybe even join you.
There are lots of websites telling you how to confess to your wife but you didn’t come here to find that out.
I’m a psychiatrist and the art of psychiatry is the skill of getting people to act in their own best interest even when they don’t want to. We do this by realizing their perceptual distortions and helping them overcome them.
Everyone, not just schizophrenics, have perceptual distortions. Remember when we used to read comic strips (I know, dinosaur age) Cathy had a perceptual distortion about her weight. Much like an anorexic
Now you think that only sick people think that way, but you are wrong. Everyone does this. I recently got a hair cut and the hair falling in my lap was grey. This is strange, because the hair I see in the mirror is brown. I have to actually cut off a piece and look at it separately before I can perceive it’s true color. I once dyed it and was confused because it didn’t change color (in my mirror) while everyone else laughed at my attempt to look younger.
So your wife thinks that she is fat and ugly. When she looks in the mirror her baby stretch marks stand out like beacons. Her breasts sag like a tribal woman in National Geographic. Her hair is a straggly mess of grey that should belongs in the Salem Witch Trials and her butt is a dimpled mess.
Now you don’t see her that way (or you shouldn’t – if you do, then some family counseling is in order – more in a later post). You see her through eyes of love. Those stretch marks are from your babies that nursed at those lovely breasts. You have mounted that butt with joy uncountable times.
This is why your wife has such a violent (literally sometimes) reaction to the thought of you viewing porn. She thinks that you are wishing to be out of your marriage, to be able to “hit that.” She thinks that you are “lusting in your heart” that you want to sneak off and “get a piece” of that pretty young thing.
Your job is to get her to see it through another lens – through the lens of romantic chick flicks on the Hallmark channel. When Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Sully make out, is she thinking – “Oh, I wish I could kiss that manly tomahawk-wielding hunter in buckskins with long wavy hair”.
No, of course not, she is seeing herself as Dr. Quinn and you are her Sully. That’s why you take her to the theater and sit through chick flix right? For the sex afterwards. Yeah, I know you do and YOU know you do.
Don’t try to argue your side. That will only lead to many long arguments which you may or may not win, depending on your marriage dynamics. You need to tell her how you see her while not giving up your masculinity.
For example. Let’s say that your wife has watched Game of Thrones with you (even though she makes you fast forward through the good parts). Someday, when she is naked, stare at her breasts for a long time, lick your lips, play with a nipple and say, “You know, you look like Daenarys Stormborn but with LOTS bigger boobies.”
Now, you are going to get a rise out of her. She is going to ask what you are doing looking at Danni’s tits. You reply, “Hey, I’m a guy, I like titties. Wanna make love?” She’ll continue to argue, you just keep touching her and telling her how turned on she makes you and asking for immediate sex. Tell her that you are a man, show her your erection and prove it. Even if this ends with, “I’m not have sex with you if you are thinking about other women” You have begun to make your point.
Then, a few days later, after you have had great sex and are cuddling together, you say,
“God, that was hot, I just feel like I fucked <famous pornstar>”
“Who is that”
Yes, she is going to hit you. Be prepared. You’re playing the long game here. She is going to be angry that you just confessed to watching porn. Make sure that you are prepared; don’t lose your temper; don’t raise your voice; just don’t. Your line is “I’m a guy, aren’t you glad that I’m a man and like girls. I sure like you. You turn me on and I love having great sex with you. You’re the only porn star that I have ever made love to. Let’s have sex again.”
You might even ask her, “You’re so hot, can I take some pictures of you to beat-off to when I’m at work.” If she lets you do this, then make sure and call her from work and tell her that you are jacking-off to her pictures.
Her line of attack will be to try to get you to promise to stop it. Tell her, “Ok, if that’s what you want.” But then say that she knows and you know that you will just do it again – no matter how hard you try. Ask her if she wants to know when you look at porn the next time. Then say, “I need you to drain my balls, right now, let’s have sex.”
She will try to get you to get “help” from “mindfulness” or “porn addiction” snake oil “experts” like Gary Wilson. This is your line in the sand. Tell her these guys are doing just as much porn as anyone else and they are not experts and do not have a cure. And then drop it and return to telling her how sexy she is. “Let’s have sex.”
Now, you used a porn actresses name on purpose. That name is going to drive her nuts. SHE IS GOING TO LOOK THAT NAME UP AND WATCH IT. I hope that you didn’t use a name of someone you actually liked, because even after you win the day THAT actress is going to be off the table. You won’t be able to watch anything with her in it ever again. Ok, yes, I may have made that mistake.
So this argument is going to go on for weeks and months. Hold the line without getting mad. Your line is that God made you like this. You like looking at naked women. You are a man and isn’t she glad of that. And (the ultimate argument terminator) she is turning you on by talking about sex this way, “Let’s have sex.”
My heart goes out to her. I am a psychiatrist who deals with narcissists on a regular basis and they are very, very difficult people.
But I am also a little wary. People getting divorced almost always discover that their spouse had a personality disorder.
So, I want to give a word of warning to ladies reading this. Don’t be quick to make a psych diagnosis of your husband. Personality disorder diagnoses are easily given and often wrong – even by experts. They are also used as justification for mistreatment.
For example, a woman who struggles with Borderline Personality traits could write everything in the article and believe it all to be true, when the fact might be that she is the one with the personality disorder traits and is projecting her poor coping skills onto him.
In fact, every Borderline woman (and that is hundreds) that I have treated has told almost exactly this story – including the “Emotional Abuse” part.
NOTE: I AM NOT CLAIMING THAT THE AUTHOR IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
I am saying that before you use the popular label “narcissist” to justify leaving your husband, consider the possibility that you may be the one in need of cognitive behavior modification
30 years ago today in Loving v Virginia, the Supreme Court ended bans on interracial marriage.
Do you remember how “Evil” black/white marriages used to be? I am ashamed to say that I used to have some racist friends. I told one of them, one time, that there was nothing wrong with it. He blew up. “It is Worse than Adultery” No Christian could marry a (N-word). God would bar the gates of heaven against such abominations. They even had Bible to back them – Cain’s Mark, Ham’s curse, etc.
We now know that people didn’t get these opinions from the Bible, but from their traditions. The Bible is very explicitly Anti-Racist and Anti-Sexist (“With God there is neither Greek nor Jew, Male nor Female” – Galations)
But people use the Bible to back up their opinions, not vice-versa.
So also the modern opinion of porn is not from the Bible, but from Victorian tradition. It would be foreign to the writers or readers of either the Old or New Testaments.
So many people are saying that we are in a “Civil War” in the United States. NO WE AREN’T and if we were then that would be terrifying and we ought to do everything in our power to make peace.
At Shiloh – just one battle of the Civil War – there were over 23 THOUSAND casualties. That’s 9/11 times 7. Come on, folks. Let’s tighten up our language a bit before we start a LITERAL war.
Similarly, I wish my anti-Porn Christian friends would tighten up their language about “Addiction” You don’t just toss around words like that loosely. Porn is rarely an “Addiction”. Addictions cost people their lives. I deal with Addicts every day. They have lost everything with DUI’s, they stole from the Mothers, they couldn’t stop themselves even when it meant jail and even after and while they were IN jail. Binge Eating disorder (food addiction) turns people in to thousand pound invalids inhaling whole bags of chips.
The only reason that porn causes breakups is because these “PornAddict” and “YourBrainOnPorn” advocates are telling women to break up with their husbands because of his “Addiction”. If these frauds had left the family alone, then they would be close, intimate, and be having hot sex until they died.
Loose lips sink ships, and countries, and marriages.
Rush Limbaugh’s undeniable truth of life says that feminism was created in order to give ugly women access to the mainstream.
I think that it’s not just the Feminists, but the church ladies also. Not because they are ugly, but because they all THINK that they are ugly and every other woman is prettier. They feel this way because they have been taught to uglify themselves in the name of Christ.
How else can you explain why churches hate erotic women so much when the Bible clearly likes them. Solomon REALLY liked them. David certainly enjoyed his housetop view. Neither of these men were rebuked for the erotic thoughts, but for the action of stealing what was not theirs. In fact, God approved of David’s sexual appetite. (II Sam 12:8)
Let me be clear, God is against fornication, adultery, prostitution, pimping, etc. But he is not just neutral toward erotica, he actively promoted it. The church ought to have the hottest women around. The church ought to be filled with slavering men, waiting to marry one of these hotties.