How to prepare your wife for the porn conversation

Do you want a strong marriage. Don’t keep secrets, especially this secret

I recently heard a man who had been married for over 40 years talk about how he had to clear his internet browsing history to keep his wife from finding out that he looked at erotica.  When I asked why he didn’t tell her, he said, “Duh, because I don’t want her to leave me.”

Oh, come on, don’t give me that.  You’re telling me that a wife who has loved her husband and put up with his ups and downs for 4 decades is going to leave him, not because he STARTS to look at pictures of pretty girls, but because HE HAS BEEN ALL ALONG.    Why would she do that?

Secondly, are you going to tell me that she doesn’t already know?   Give me a break.  I’ve been married 30 years.  I can assure you that any attempt to keep any behavior, especially one that I regularly engage in, a secret from her is futile and foolish.  Guys, you know, and I know, and she knows everything that you regularly do.  A wife that has been with you that long can read you like police read license plates.

I am not suggesting that you blurt it out all at once, tonight.  First, she must get used to the idea that you and every other man she knows (including that suuuuuper spiritual pastor of hers) looks at porn all the time.

So here is how you make her face this obvious fact.  Every time you come across an article like this one that tells how many pastors, how many men, how many Christians watch porn you tell her about it and laugh.

“Look, honey, did you see that 57% of pastors admit that they watch porn on the sly.   I can’t believe that 43% would lie that way.”

She will act horrified at first.  “I don’t believe that all the pastors look at that trash.”

Then give her a knowing look.  “Yes, my darling, I hate to tell you this.  But they do.”

If she wants to pursue this then she will ask you directly.  “Are you saying that all men look at porn.”

Say, “Well, maybe girly men don’t look at naked women.  They look at men.”

Huff, Huff, “Have you?”

“Have I what?”

“Looked at porn.”

“Baby,” grab your crotch, “I got balls, I can prove it.”

“What!”

“You are making me horny looking at my balls that way.  Let me show them to you naked.”

You get the idea.  Convince her that every man WITH BALLS looks at porn.  Don’t be afraid to use the “No true Scotsman.” fallacy.  This is one case where it actually works.

Now, the important thing to do here is stop discussing porn and start discussing your balls.  Make every discussion about porn turn on how masculine you are.  How much she likes sex with you.  How much she wants your RIGHT NOW.

Now, don’t be ashamed to watch HBO series like Game of Thrones with her.  When the sex scenes come up start touching your wife.  She will act angry and say, “DON’T YOU TOUCH ME AFTER LOOKING AT HER.”

You’re reply is, “I’m horny, let’s have sex.”

The key is to make associate erotica with masculinity, and particularly with YOUR masculinity.

DO NOT BACK DOWN!!!!

This is key.  She may act like she is going to refuse you sex.  Hold you ground.  Masturbate when she can see you and know that you are jerking it.  If she gets mad, then ask her to have sex.

The fact is that she married a man.   BE A MAN!   Be the man that she wants.   Every time she asks the question “Do you watch porn.” You reply. “I’ve got balls.  I’m a man.”

If she tries to tell you that so-and-so is a man “Josh McDowell, James Dobson, your pastor” and “he doesn’t watch porn.”  Then answer, “Then how come he knows so much about it?”

Because we are men, we know that other men are looking at naked women.  Women know this to, but they try to stay in denial.  Take this denial away from them.  Make them face your masculinity.

Meanwhile, be sweet, be kind.  DO NOT YELL!

Did you hear me.  DO NOT YELL!

I repeat myself. DO NOT YELL!

If you yell, then you have lost the masculinity argument.  You have admitted that men can’t control themselves.  Porn will just be another example of how evil you are instead of how evidence of how masculine, sexy and desirable you are.

Don’t be like that poor little beat rooster who was still sneaking around after 40 years.

Be a man.  Run your house with holiness, Godliness, and honesty.

“Christian Naturism” (Nudists) are wrong, But Holy Erotica is right

 

Image result for Christian naturists

 

While I believe that erotic videos and sexual depictions are normal and should be a part of a normal Christian life, I do not believe that Naturism or the nudist lifestyle is normal.  Here is why.

In 2012, ABC news ran a piece on Growing Up Nudist about a nudist camp where families live full-time.  The article makes nudism sound natural and good.   It sounds like these people live in the Garden of Eden.  There are a lot of Christian Naturist sites that promote this lifestyle.

The usual rap against the naturists are that they are “immodest.”  That somehow they are encouraging swinging and fornication.  Firstly, this isn’t true, or it is only true for people that have grown up with a nudity taboo that equates nakedness with sex (that includes most Americans) but it is possible to raise children with a different attitude.

I have a different take.  It is impossible to read the Bible without realizing that nakedness was shameful.  But I do not believe that this shamefulness was related to sex.  The people of the ancient world saw naked people and slaves all of the time.  Poor people often did not have clothes and they certainly didn’t have privacy.  They did not get to bathe alone – or even in the presence of only the same sex.  David was excited by the body of Bathsheba while she was bathing because she was beautiful.  It was not considered abnormal for her to be bathing on the housetop.    The mere sight of a breast would not excite biblical people.  There were no titty bars in the ancient world, there were only brothels.    The attire of a harlot related to the color, cut, and ornaments of the woman, not her nakedness.   Nakedness was shameful because it showed poverty.

But there is a reason that nakedness is bad.  I just came across this passage in the book, “The Brother’s K.” In it a harelipped girl is praying in church.

“Nyearest Nyeesus!” she calls out, her voice, her whole body quivering. “Nank nyou!, nank nyou!, for yall nyour nyimmy nyimmy nmlessings, nand for nthis nay of Nhristian Nyellowshipt!” At the words nyimmy nyimmy Micah uncorks a snicker—and there are lots of answering snorts today. Maybe there always are. Maybe I just hear them today because I’m stuck next to her. My stomach clenches. Most of me wants to snort with the others, but part of me, remembering the pool in the kingdom, makes me gouge my knuckles in my eye sockets and fight to hear her prayer, “Mlease, nLord!” Vera cries, as if she’s pleading with an ax murderer. “Mlease fornivvus our snins and nrespassenth! Nwee are nso nunworthy, nso nvery nvery nunworthy!” Noses blow violently; half-stifled giggles circle the room like pigeons trapped in a barn. Beal keeps his head bowed, but clears his throat and steps threateningly around his podium. “Nopen our narts, nwee veseech nThee!” Vera prays.

“Nyelp us to nlove nyou nmore and nmore!” she prays as Micah laughs outright, “and nmore and nmore!” she pleads as girls grab Kleenex, “and snill nyet nmore!” she begs as boys fizz up and overflow like jostled bottles of pop. “Nenter our narts!” she cries, her voice breaking, her body trembling so violently it makes my chair tremble too. “Nenter nthem now! Nright now! Nwee are nso nlost, nso nvery nlost, nwithout nThee!” And even as it occurs to me that this must be real prayer—even as I see that what is being laughed at is the sound of someone actually ramming a heartfelt message past all the crossed signals and mazes of our bodies, brains and embarrassments clear on in to her God—when I open my fists and peek at Vera I see a face so exposed, so twisted with love, grief and longing, that if she was my sister I would take off my coat, and I’d wrap her up and hold her, and I would beg her never, ever to do this naked, passionate, impossible thing again.

 

Duncan, David James. The Brothers K (p. 85). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

The girl is showing the ultimate nudity, not the nakedness of the body, but of the soul.  She was “naked before God.”  In a sense she was bathing her soul, and while this is a wonderful experience in private, it is horrible to see in public.

No one wants other people to know their hidden flaws

Adam and Eve “saw that they were naked.”   They realized that they had been living without law and without morality, that they were little better than animals.  Their immediate response was to cover themselves.  And we still cover ourselves today, not just in our physical bodies, but in our outward show of our innermost person.   We call other people “hypocrites” when they fail to live up to their standards, but few of us wish to live in a public confessional booth.  It is a normal and healthy desire to want to hide our imperfections and failures from other humans – even if we are willing to tell them to God.  There is a reason why the Catholic priests are so defensive of the “seal of the confessional.”

Not having been to a nude beach, I don’t know personally, but I have heard that it is not a pretty sight.  I do know that the true “amateur porn” – the homemade kind – is very, very ugly.   If I wanted to see pimple-covered buttocks that close I would use a mirror.

During one of my medicine rotations, I was informed that I would have to do a genital examination.  I told my preceptor that “We psychiatrists see more genitals than we examine.”   And that is true.  Many of my sickest patients attempt to run around naked, it is a big problem on the psych ward.

The reason for this is that psychotic people have boundary issues.  They cannot tell where their souls and the souls of other people should be separated.  They have unlimited sex; they run around naked; they masturbate in public.  They have no sense of where their lives end and where the lives of others start.

This is what Revelations is talking about:

Rev 3:18 I counsel thee to buy of me .. white raiment, that thou mayest be clothed, and that the shame of thy nakedness do not appear

“Alright,” you say, “you have said why people shouldn’t show their nakedness to others.  Then why in the world, Dr. Ed, would you say that holy erotica (Christian Porn) can exist.”

Because Erotica, when it is properly done, is anything but naked.   Have you ever seen Playboy’s “Adult Film School” tv series?  In it, a porn producer brings in amateur couple who have made a home sex video and were unsatisfied with it.  She helps them to produce high quality Erotica.

In their home film, the couple are merely naked, but the professional film is highly erotic.

In his song, King Solomon tells the tale of a loving couple.  He describes their bodies in great detail and the sex acts that they perform.  But it is not merely telling of nude sex, rather he is telling of ideal love and ideal love-making with ideal people.   He is portraying God’s view of what perfect sex should be.

Some people are beginning to product this sort of erotica

This, I believe, is appropriate.  In high-quality erotica, the people don’t have on clothes, but neither are they truly “naked.”  In fact, they are made-up, airbrushed, and idealized.  Their flaws are not displayed.  I have links to this sort of erotica at my website HolyErotica.com  To go back to my “Naked before God” metaphor, they are not praying “Nyearest Nyeesus” but rather the Book of Common Prayer.

Now, in fact, the regular sex of a loving husband and wife is wonderful because it is infused with their love.  Even the quick sleepy sex from a nocturnal boner is sweet because my wife gives herself to me unsparingly, even if she starts snoring before I orgasm.   But this would be extremely UNattractive to strangers watching.

So, no, I do not believe that Christian Naturism is a healthy movement (although it is not by nature Ungodly), but Holy Erotica is good.

Finally, an Evangelical pastor who admits that Song of Solomon is talking about sex

Kudos to Pastor Andrew Shanks for admitting in this article that Song of Solomon is talking about sex and genitals.

However, because he is an evangelical pastor, he has to find some way to say that Song of Solomon could describe sex acts for pleasure and still not be writing erotica or pornography.

His argument is that Solomon was writing in order to describe beauty, instead of trying to inspire lust.

This is one more example of Evangelicals buying into Descartes mind-body dualism.   They know that they don’t believe this heresy when they are talking about it in any other context, but when talking about sex, they jump immediately to the assumption that erotic desire = lust versus love = spiritual desire.

A man may be erotically excited by the beauty of sex from other people without lusting for them.  Lust is desire out of control, it is desire that wishes to break God’s laws in order to be fulfilled.   But we understand that a man may admire the beauty of a house, a car, or a steak dinner, without wishing to steal them.  So also, a man may admire the beauty of the holy sex act of another couple and not desire to steal the woman from her husband.

Solomon clearly wished to show other the beauty of the sexual nature and sexual acts of the play’s participants (remember that this is not simply a poem, it is a play that was performed).  It is amazinng what contortions that even honest men go through in order to deny the obvious.

More discussion of Rick Warren’s wife’s confession

Several months ago, I linked to an article about Rick Warren’s wife’s confession that she had looked at porn.   I also commented upon the article at the Catholic site that wrote it.

I recently got this reply.

Your link refers to 1 Tim 4. However, 1 Tim 4 warns against those whose cheapen marriage, and that warning seems to me about you as well. Because pornography how it made, who makes it, and how its treats sex, in OUR CULTURE has no redeeming features. Therefore pornography in our culture must be rejected in every way.

Also in the same passages, Paul preaches for ‘purity’. It can only refer to sexual purity.

I also don’t see how Warren’s experience cheapens what you are trying to do. That is a straw man argument. I agree with you that erotica is a very good thing, but I also believe the teachings of the Catholic Church that masturbation is a sin– with the same questioning as Peter who asked. ‘then how can anyone be saved?’. When Paul refers to thanksgiving, he is referring the the Catholic view, he is not in any way supporting porn that was very prevalent in the Roman culture.

I agree that some of your reflections are warranted in that it reflect the view in Protestantism that regards sex as fundamentally dirty. This comes from Luther’s teaching that the physical world is fundamentally corrupted, versus the Cathol ic teaching that matter is good but our relationship to it is tarnished but re-storable, healed by santifying grace (also rejected by Luther).

My site is mainly about evangelical opposition to erotica.  As this writer makes clear, Catholicism teaches even against masturbation.  Now if a man can’t rub one out, then he obviously shouldn’t be looking at porn.  Masturbation and erotica are closely linked.  I talk about this here.

He has two points.

  1. Porn cheapens marriage because of the evilness of the porn industry

This is currently true.  The porn industry considers itself sinful and it treats women as objects to be used and discarded.  Even though at HolyErotica.com I attempt to only import high quality romantic couples erotica, I often link to videos produced by SinfulXXX and LustHD .   What is so strange about these videos is that they are not displaying things that are sinful or lustful.  A couple is perfectly can engage in perfectly holy sex without it being lust.  It is probably true that the couple portrayed are not married or even in a committed relationship, there is nothing about the act or the erotica, itself, that is sinful or lustful.

The problem is that Christians have, in recent decades, turned sex over to the sinners.  This is wrong.  Sex was created by God and is wonderful, holy, and lovely.    Naked women are beautiful and were created by God in his own image (not that God is a woman.  The explanation of this is left as an exercise for the reader).    Erotica should have been – as it was by Solomon and as the Renaissance artists  – done by and about Christians and holy people about holy sex and nudity.  See here, and here, and here.

I remember when I was taking my High School senior picture I saw in the artist’s studio a picture of a nude pregnant wife.  I was horrified and embarrassed.    How could a woman allow herself to be displayed to the public that way?   You see, I had been convinced that nudity was sinful.  I had fallen for the sinful pornographer’s trick.

There is a wonderful post about this by a catholic at patheos.com

2) Masturbation is a sin and so therefore porn is evil.

For a faithful Catholic, I suppose, this is an easy one.  The pope says masturbation is wrong.  We are done.  But, maybe it isn’t quite so simple.  It is, after all, only a venial sin.  A trip to confession and a few Hail Mary’s and all is well.

But for those of us who don’t have to take the Pope’s word for it, the subject isn’t that difficult.  Presumably the New Testament writers (who were all men) knew how to jerk it.    In all of their very specific lists of sins. (Adultery, fornication, lasciviousness…murder, drunkeness…)  they never seem to get around to “wanking.”

“Well they don’t mention smoking either.”  Really?  Is that your argument.  Smoking is new and the biblical authors had never heard of it, but I am confident that Cain and Able knew all about playing with their little peters.  The Bible has time to forbid sex with your aunt, with your cousin, with your step-mother, but never mentions sex with yourself.

Actually it does mention it.

Leviticus 15:16 And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.

In other words, sex with your wife and masturbation with yourself are mentioned in the same passage, and the same instruction is given for both circumstances.  Take a bath!

 

What a holy and erotic marriage (with porn) is like

Yes,  sex multiple times a day is normal for long-term marriages

According to the “Good Man Project

The majority of couples I’ve interviewed that have been married for greater than five years will have sexual intercourse at the rate of 4 to 12 times per month.

Horse-hockey.  No, I don’t mean that this doctor is incorrect in his assessment.  I mean, that it is horse-hockey that this is normal.  No, it isn’t.   It is also normal for people to have affairs after being married for 5 years.  If they are only have sex 2 to 3 a week, then I would consider an affair inevitable.

I have been married for over three decades.  That statistic should be closer to 2 to 3 times each day.   I mean, there is the “going to sleep” sex, the “morning wood”sex and they “middle of the night in our sleep” sex, besides the afternoon “came home early from work and got horny” sex.    Besides that, you’ve got the living room sex and the kitchen sex.  How do people fit all of that into just 12 times in a month?

Why do married people stop having so much sex?  I’m not sure, but the “being together five years” statement makes me suspicious.  It sounds like the couple are getting bored and stop using stimuli that are related to each other.    I am absolutely confident that men who are only having sex with their wives 4 times a month are masturbating to porn much, much, more commonly than that.

If a man is actually a good man who has taken the appropriate masculine role in his family, then he can change this by bringing his wife in on his sexual habits.  Marriage is about shared sex.

If you don’t know how to do this, then you have to start by getting your wife to accept that you watch porn.  Here is my article about that.

How to tell your wife you watch porn

So, once you have helped your wife understand that erotica is a normal and important part of a holy man’s wife.  You can simply start watching it in front of her.   If she has been raised in the feminized anti-sex church, then she will know that she is supposed to be mad about this.  Weather the storm; be a man.   Offer to have sex with her right then.  If she refuses, rub one out in front of her.

Remember, she is not actually angry on her own behalf.  She is angry because she has been told that she is supposed to be angry.   This is what the other women are telling her she is supposed to do.

Tell her this.   Explain to her, repeatedly, that you are and have been a faithful husband.  You are a godly man who loves her.  You don’t want to have sex with other women and you will not have sex with other women.  Tell her that God and the Bible are on your side. She has the opinions of her girlfriends.  Which one is supreme in your home?  Refer her to the other articles on this this website if she wants to argue about it.

This is not going to be easy.  This is going to take some time.  Probably months.  By kind, be understanding, be loving.  Don’t yell, don’t raise your voice.  BUT DO NOT GIVE IN ON THIS.  You are fighting for the long-term health of your family.

Eventually, your wife is going to make love to you while porn plays in the background.  She will start having more orgasms because, the real fact of ths matter is, it is going to turn her on.  (It is important to use only holy erotica for this. Female-friendly, romantic.    You can find it gathered at HolyErotica.com so you don’t have to go browsing to find it.

This should not be something you do a couple times a week.  Wake up each morning getting wood from erotic pictures.  Go to bed each night after screwing like rabbits while watching erotica.

Eventually, the erotica will be less necessary.  She’ll be jumping your bones in the shower, in the living room.  You will wake up at night to her frigging your leg.

That, my friends, is what a holy marriage looks like.

Best of Christian Erotica 12/8/17

For Christian men who want to see high quality erotica that includes only loving couples making love – here are my favorite posts of the week.

I hope you brought you wife some flowers home today!   Here are some links to get you up and randy for a night of sex with the woman God gave you.

Organ Grinder music video Contains only couples making sweet wonderful love

Bring roses for your wife wearing tight jeans

She turns herself on with masturbation before sex with  her husband

His wife is really, really good at fellatio (Background music included)

Jesse Jane, a tropical beach and beautiful music.  What else is there to say?

Enjoy.  And remember to make love to your wife (Not just have sex) daily!  If you don’t have one – seek a good one and obtain favor from the Lord.