Looked in the church bulletin this morning and saw the same thing that was in every bulletin. Events this week for the high school teens, the college youth, and the women’s weekly fellowship.
Hmm, do you notice who was left out? The men, of course. There was no place for the men to socialize. There were no hunting, fishing, or four-wheeler/camping trips. There were no trips to see sports games or monster trucks.
Do you think that men stay home all week and don’t go out with their friends? Of course not. The young men are hitting the single’s scenes (They are certainly not showing up to the “college youth” meetings. Who wants to be sneered at as a sex-addict and probable future “emotional abuser”)
Their are lots of social events that men go to, but none of them are sponsored by the church. There are soccer groups, bowling leagues, amateur baseball teams. There are hunting groups, fishing friends, and bars where men can just hang out, drink beer, play cards, and talk about women. Men get together to go to the rodeo or see wrestling or monster trucks. None of these are approved by our new female-led churches. We are more likely to be told that we have to go on “Daniel Fasts” that don’t include meat. Certainly we can’t drink beer or talk about sports and boobies.
But the fact is that men have always done these things and always will. The masculine pursuits are as Godly as weight-watchers and diabetes education workshops. Jesus and his 12 disciples, along with the many other disciples including wives and single women, spent time in the wilderness, resting just before the crucifixion week. I guarantee you that during that time there was some wine drinking, some wrestling, some races, and I think that the married couples did a lot of humping and the singles flirted.
This is not how the modern church treats its men. It sneers at sweat, hunting, and bloody sports. It treats their God-given sex-drive as an addiction.
Oh, by the way, there was one event scheduled that the men were encouraged to go to – Celebrate Recovery. The church wants them to deal with their “addictions.”
Firstly, Christian men aren’t getting married because there are so few single Christian men.
When is the last time you saw a Christian single man at church? Was he available? Of course not. He was grabbed up. There are few single men at the church because the church makes no attempt to reach them. Oh yes, the women are trying to reach them and bring them to church with them. But the men don’t show up, and are not being sought, by the church. When the grace of God reaches down and touches a young man, and he shows up to church, then the feminized church will drive him away. Masculinity, sweat, hunting, fishing, competing, are all treated as a vaguely distasteful necessity of having men at the church. But the “real” Christian men will be feminized. They will have great “listening” skills and their gestures will be comfortably familiar to females. When the church later discovers that they are homosexual, they will be shocked.
The only “men’s” program at the church is the program for families. The singles groups are full of women and the lessons are all about dieting, diabetes education, communication, and recovery from “emotional abuse” of their ex-boyfriends and husbands.
If a man is a real man, if he likes beer and naked women. If he has a beard and a likes to look at women’s boobs, then he will be shunted to a Promise Keeper’s group to be properly educated out of his gender.
And, God help us, if these men like sex, if they like to look at naked women, if they go online to look at pornography and erotica, then they must be disciplined, they must be discipled, the must be cured of their “Porn Addiction”
Are you surprised that masculine men don’t want anything to do with Christ?
And it is a shame, because Jesus and his disciples were men’s men. They could stand up in front of the Sanhedrin and tell them that they would obey God rather than men. They could work all night, naked, on a boat in the middle of the sea of Galilee, even if they caught nothing.
Christian men aren’t getting married because the church has decided it doesn’t want Christian single men, it just wants properly schooled girly-men.
I Tim 4:1-5 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.
One of the most common methods of false holiness is asceticism, the attempt to look more holy than others by denying normal and Godly desire.
The medieval Catholics practiced this by forbidding their priests to marry and stopped them from eating meat on Friday and during Lent. This allowed them to feel holy even while their were slaughtering babies, stealing from their neighbors, keeping mistresses, etc.
So also, today, our modern church movement has decided that it has to make up some new rules to make them feel holy. Now, note, one of the most common sins in the pew today is probably fornication. Unmarried couples are openly shacked up together. Dating couples are assumed to be sleeping together. Yet, the church ignores these sins and instead preaches against the boyfriend’s “addiction” to porn.
Turning to fake science, they believe that the man’s sleeping with his girlfriend doesn’t harm his brain, but somehow looking at erotica will. Even though, the Bible clearly forbids the first and promotes the second.
This is not a new phenomenon. Paul said that in the latter times people would depart from the faith and instead preach other doctrines – doctrines of devils. Just because it is “forbidding” does not make it holy. God is not a God of forbidding, but a God of pleasure. When we take pleasure in the proper place (in our marriages, and in imaginations about marriages) then life is holy and pure. When we add in our own commands – morphing the gospel into legalism and pharisaism – then we live lives of bondage and guilt.
So rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let your fountain be blessed as your watch erotica. Enjoy the pleasures that God gave you and tell the legalists to go read their bible more and preach a false chastity less.
The feminized church can no longer imagine what a masculine Christianity ever was or should be.
David, the man after God’s own heart, was as hypersexual as any man in history. God rebuked him only for stealing his friend’s wife. Michelangelo’s famous statue is not a picture of a girly-man.
Paul could preach so strongly that he was stoned. He did not express “empathy” and he did not “help hurting people.” He preached the gospel – a gospel that made men so mad that they stoned him.
Jesus did not back down to Pilate. He did not try to find common ground. He did not try to understand where Pilate was coming from. Instead he told him that “for this cause came I into the world, that I should bear witness unto the truth.”
When the famous circuit rider of Colorado, Father John L Dyer, had a man come to church and mocking the altar call, he told him, “You came in the door, but you are going out the window.” This man, called “The snowshoe itinerant” traveled across the continental divide all winter in order to preach the gospel.
Any of these men would not be welcome in today’s church. They were not sufficiently “nurturing.” David would have been forced to confess his sex “addiction” Paul would have been called “divisive.” Jesus, himself, would have been counseled about how to be more “seeker-friendly”
It is time we took back Christianity. I don’t think that we can change the church be “becoming involved” I think we can change the church by standing up on feet, expressing our masculinity without apology or fear and proclaiming that we love Christ, we love being a man, and yes, we like sex.
View the videos on HolyErotica without fear or guilt. Be a man to your wife. Be a man in the church. She will love and respect you the more for refusing to be a hypocrite and the church will learn what it means to see a man.
The article explains why men have left the church. I would add that it was after men were driven from the church that proper masculine erotic desire was demonized. Now today the “supporting” church wants to draw men in and cure them of their porn “addiction”
If the church had kept it’s proper masculinity, this would have been laughed out of the pulpit in the first week.
Because we gave the territory of erotic desire over to Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner, the erotica industry is populated only with people promoting lust, licentiousness, adultery and fornication. But it shouldn’t be so. There ought to be thousands of internet sites that are filled with Christian married couples making beautiful sex tapes which other single people and married couples can view. There is no command in the Bible for the prudishness foisted on us by our Victorian ancestors. The Bible commands us to flee fornication and flee youthful lusts. But that doesn’t mean that a young man should flee sexual desire. In fact, if a young man does not have strong sexual urges, he needs to visit a psychiatrist (like me 🙂 to find out what is wrong. That desire is what leads him to seek a wife and become a responsible husband.
One of the greatest challenges facing the man who wishes to be honest about his porn use is overcoming society’s insistence that he is being, somehow, unfaithful to his wife.
Biblically, this insistence makes no sense. If reading about or looking at sexy women or sex acts were adultery, then God would cause us to be commit adultery every time we read the Bible, which doesn’t close the bedroom doors. Privacy is a function of large living spaces, which didn’t exist until after World War II.
The oft quoted Matt 5:28 Whosever looketh after a woman to lust after her… ignores the context of the scripture which talks about hatred being equivalent to murder. Every time I become angry with someone I do not “hate” them. I can be very angry with someone without desiring their death, so also I can be very aroused at the sight of a woman’s body without desiring or scheming to have sex with her.
Only in America are women’s breasts always hidden from sight. In the rest of the world, and in the rest of history, breasts were considered a normal, and very pleasant sight.Clearly the people of the Bible were used to naked breasts in public. Unquestionably the Romans had no problem with them. The Jews certainly appreciated the finer parts of female anatomy. David saw Bathsheba bathing on the rooftop because it was obviously common for women to do this.
The shame of nakedness in history is not associated with a lack of modesty, but rather with poverty. Poor people could not afford enough clothes to be dressed all of the time. But even rich people took off their clothes when they were around water. The bathing suit – like pajamas – is a recent American/English invention.
The pornographic portraits, statues, and literature of the ancient world is pervasive in all cultures. Yet neither Jesus nor Paul and the other New Testament writers mentioned it. They spent their efforts warning against real adultery, real fornication, and real lasciviousness.
The churches are failing fathers because they have lost the concept of masculinity.
When Paul was converted on the road to Damascus, he began preaching Jesus in the marketplace. He made the unconverted Jews so angry that they attempted to kill him. Today, if a man preaches Christ this way he will be informed that he is not be “seeker-friendly”
When Peter was working out on the fishing boat after the Resurrection he worked naked. Today he would be arrested and put on the sex-offender list.
When Abner sent David an invitation to be King of Israel, David told him to return the wife that was given to another man. He went to war to keep the woman that was his. Today, he would be denounced as a brute.
When Solomon was inspired to write a Song of Love, he made no secret of his erotic desire. He publicly described his sexual acts. He proclaimed how much he liked her naked body. He talked about her nudity in detail. He detailed his masturbation. Today he would be called a pornographer and banished to the sinful alleys of the internet.
Today, Christians expect a man to listen to his wife instead of lead his family; to play with his children instead of instruct them; to romance his wife instead of have sex with her; to play soccer instead of hockey; to drink soft drinks instead of beer. To compromise instead of fight for what is his.
None of these things are bad. They are just not MASCULINE. Masculinity is not always the best thing, but it is half of the best thing. It is the half of humanity that God created to express. It is the half that is usually expressed by men.
No man is perfectly masculine. I, personally, never hunt. Frankly, I would rather quilt. I happen to be pretty good at listening(I’m a psychiatrist, after all). But I also have no fear of standing my ground on an issue if I stand all alone. I have often, like, Shammah the son of Agee, stood in the patch of lentils and defend it when everyone else fled.
The point I am making is not that every man has to act like a cave man. But the skills that make a good cave man ought to be encouraged
It happened again this week. Some friends went to the pastor to save their marriage. The man had a “porn addiction”. The result is always the same – the marriage is not saved. The wife continues to go to church, the ex-husband drops out. The children are assured by the church that their daddy is a bad person.
This is because the pastors are not actually being trained in good counseling techniques. Most of them only took a couple of introductory courses during Bible school, learn a little bit more by practicing (malpracticing) on their people with no supervision, and then finally are confirmed in their poor practice by other poor counselors and pastors who have gathered together in organization like “Focus On the Family” which should named Focus On Destroying Fathers.
Firstly, let’s get rid of the idea that God ever intended pastors to be counselors. Just where did this idea come from? Is it in the New Testament. No, it isn’t. In fact, when a man came to Jesus seeking family counseling Jesus said, “Who made me a judge or divider among you?” (Luke 12:14).
How did pastors get into the marital counselor position? They got there because when a couple have a disagreement between themselves, they want an outside authority to force the other side to capitulate. The husband is not obeying the anti-masculine rules that our society has made its new norm. The wife threatens divorce unless the husband agrees to “counseling”, but instead of going to a competent counselor who can actually help, she drags him down to the church, where she knows the pastor will tell the husband that he is “sinning” by acting a like a man. Because of his love for his wife, the husband will attempt to feminize himself for some time. This inevitably fail. When he does fail, the wife will feel holy as she disobeys the direct command of Jesus and leaves him. The church ladies who all participated in the gossip surrounding this breakup will all comfort the ex-wife that she “tried” and the man will be ostracized. The pastor is called into testify that the husband didn’t cooperate with counseling, the children are handed to the mother and told that the father is bad.
No, this has never happened to me. My wife likes me to be a man. Oh, yes, the sisters of the church have tried to force her to adopt the pervasive man-hatred of the church. These women are now divorced and our marriage is strong.
The reason that pastors make bad counselors is because that they look at things in the “sin-righteousness” paradigm. This is not bad. The church is supposed to teach righteousness. They are supposed to teach healthy behaviors and good habits of life. So when a couple comes to the pastor for counseling, he looks for what is “wrong” in the marriage. He attempts to remold this couple into the Platonic ideal of what he has been taught is the “Biblical” model of marriage. He looks for “sin” and attempts to get the couple to let the “Holy Spirit” guide them into righteousness.
But, those of us who happen to be trained in human health – DOCTORS – know that there isn’t a perfect model of the human body or a perfect model of a human relationship. Every body and every relationship is infinitely unique. They cluster around certain norms, but these norms are considerably more diversified than untrained people realize. Hearts are not all the same size or in the same position, the arteries (and especially the veins) are in much different places in the body that we expect. As a psychiatrist, I know that people’s baseline behavior varies very widely.
And the “normal” differences skyrocket when you combine all of these widely varying behaviors into families. Even if you simplify humans into 16 basic personality types (a vast over-simplification) you have 256 different combinations of just two people. Now add in the in-laws, children, cousins…. The number of different combinations is astronomical.
You are not going to solve all of the myriad numbers of things that can go wrong in a marriage by teaching the husband to say, “I hear you saying….” and filling her car with balloons on her birthday. Nor are you going to become a capable pastoral counselor by going out to Colorado Spring, CO, taking a 5 day course and getting a certificate.
You are especially not going to become a capable counselor when you are being taught a method that has no peer-reviewed studies showing its effectiveness. Being told that we don’t need studies since the Bible already told us everything that we need to know is false. The Bible gives us guidelines for STUDY about our relationships with each other. It is not a textbook. God expects us to develop expertise in how these guidelines are implemented in each culture.
It would be nice if the evangelical community decided to develop Christian counselors. It would be nice if they started some peer reviewed periodicals to see how their different methods worked. It would be even nicer if they actually read the Bible instead of just waving it around claiming that it supported their theories. But none of this has happened. Instead non-expert preachers have gotten together, pieced together some ideas based on traditions and then wrote books telling us what GOD SAID.
The third commandment told us to not take the name of the Lord in vain. This means, don’t use God’s name to defend your own ideas and your own vanity. Don’t claim God said something he didn’t say in order to give authority to your bad ideas.
There is one other reason to not go to your pastor for counseling. Because he already has a relationship with you that will get in the way. You will not be honest and open with him and he cannot be honest and open with you. I often have patients tell me that they are very religious and are very involved in their church. I then ask them if they would like their pastor involved in the treatment team. They invariably say “NO.” Why? Because they are afraid of what he will learn about them. They don’t want to discuss their substance abuse, their adultery, their sins. They have to go to church and watch him preach at them for a long time after the treatment is complete. Therefore they hide the true problems from him.
And this goes the other way. The pastor is under pressure to not say certain things to his parisioners. Sometimes I have to tell my patients that they cannot continue to use marijuana if they wish me to continue prescibing for them. I will have to give them a drug test before I will meet with them. Can you imagine a pastor telling a congregant that if he doesn’t stop using pot he will have to leave the church? If he did so, would he be a good pastor?
Don’t go to your Pastor for counseling. He is not appointed by God to be your psychiatrist. He doesn’t know what he is doing. His position prevents him from giving the best treatment. He will destroy you.
My heart goes out to her. I am a psychiatrist who deals with narcissists on a regular basis and they are very, very difficult people.
But I am also a little wary. People getting divorced almost always discover that their spouse had a personality disorder.
So, I want to give a word of warning to ladies reading this. Don’t be quick to make a psych diagnosis of your husband. Personality disorder diagnoses are easily given and often wrong – even by experts. They are also used as justification for mistreatment.
For example, a woman who struggles with Borderline Personality traits could write everything in the article and believe it all to be true, when the fact might be that she is the one with the personality disorder traits and is projecting her poor coping skills onto him.
In fact, every Borderline woman (and that is hundreds) that I have treated has told almost exactly this story – including the “Emotional Abuse” part.
NOTE: I AM NOT CLAIMING THAT THE AUTHOR IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
I am saying that before you use the popular label “narcissist” to justify leaving your husband, consider the possibility that you may be the one in need of cognitive behavior modification