I got a question from a father of a high school boy. “What should I tell my son about watching erotica? How old should he be?”
I think that the more important question would be, “What kind of guilt trip do I want my son to be on throughout high school?” You see, parents don’t LET their sons look at dirty pictures. The boys are ALREADY looking at porn. This was true even before the internet. Boys from the time of puberty are out on a quest to look at nekkid women.
Now, you can – at most Christian mothers DO – put their sons on a guilt trip about this. In fact, I would dare say that this is much of the conflict between teen boys and their mothers – even if it is not the stated reason for the arguments. The good, Christian mother, who has been indoctrinated into the “sexual desire is lust” cult is angry that her sweet little curly haired boy (who up to this point has been as pleasant as a girl) suddenly turns into one of those masculine lustful pigs.
I loved my mother very much. Her opinions – even 40 years after her death – are the best guide to my opinions. But my mother really had a problem with sex. She had been taught to believe the Victorian standards lie. So, when I was about 12 or so, she asked me,
“You’re not playing with yourself are you?”
“Oh no, Mom. Of course not. I would never do that.”
For some reason, my mom never wondered how I knew what she was talking about. Nevertheless, she managed to send me into an 8 year guilt trip. Not only was I doing this horrible thing, but I had LIED TO MY MOTHER! And all of us know that there is a special place in hell for boys who lie to their mothers. All through high school, and even into college, every sermon, every altar call was directed straight at me. I can hardly recall those years without remembering the background of guilt which tinged every day with hell-fire.
So let’s make it clear. Your sons are already looking at porn. Do you want their lives to be filled with guilt. Because, I can assure you, they will not be able to stop themselves. You can put all of the nanny filters on their phones and on their computers and on the library computers and school computers and you can hedge their lives with jail bars, but nothing you can do is going to be strong enough. Some dirty pictures WILL make it through.
So, given that they are going to look at erotica, I think that you should make sure that they have some direction on what they should, or should not, be jerking off too.
So, here is my advice to fathers with teenage sons. I do not suggest that you buy your son porn DVD’s. I don’t think that you should tell him that porn is something he SHOULD watch. Rather, I think that you should just let him understand that porn is not something that you are against. When comedians make jokes about porn you should laugh. When Danaerys on Game of Thrones gets her clothes burnt off (again!) you should nod and say “Nice Ones!”
Here is the reason that I think you should take this attitude.
During the high school years, teenagers are going through what we psychiatrists call Erickson’s “Identity vs confusion” stage. These boys want to know who they are, especially sexually. In today’s culture, the school system is trying to confuse them. You will probably remember your teenage fears of “being gay.” Boys, today, are also plagued by this fear, but the culture is no help to them. It increases their fear by telling them that they may have been “born that way” instead of admitting that this sexual identity is something that they have a lot of control over. In previous generations, the culture would encourage a boy to “like girls.” It would tell them in a hundred different ways that they should enjoy looking at girls. What happened, then, is that we found some of Daddy’s playboys, or the neighbor’s Hustler and masturbated. Sexual pleasure, then, was associated with what we were looking at. These magazines developed our view of what beautiful women were like (leggy with big boobs) and what good sex is like (blow jobs and doggy-style).
Now, of course, boys have free access to porn of all sorts. A lot of it is of the “make her swallow” and “force her to take it anal”, gangbangs and gagging. In short, humiliation porn. No good man wants his son to believe that this is what good sex is like. So, if my son were a teenager now, I would tell him that some erotica is good, and a lot of it (most of it, in fact) is evil. We become what we look at. So we should watch erotica that models the perfect ideal of sex. Sex with life-long love. I would then leave the subject alone there. The fact is that he will not seek your permission to watch porn (did you ask YOUR dad’s permission?) But I would check his browser history to see what kind of porn he watched. He will probably look at everything, but I would be interested to see what he concentrated on. If it starts going a direction that you don’t want him modelling, then talk to him about what good sex should be like. A lot of this can be in the terms of girlfriends and future marriage plans.
The most powerful force to direct your son’s sexuality is your sexual behavior. If you are close to him, then he is (consciously or unconsciously) modeling himself after you. So you should be living the life that you want him to model. Please don’t think that you can sneak around and do things on the sly that he doesn’t know about. He is your son and he knows you pretty well.
Watched “Casanova” on HBO last night. Hilarious movie, I enjoyed it very much.
But it brought up a question. Why do horn-dogs want to have sex with so many women? For exactly the same reason a dog licks its balls? Because it can.
No, I don’t mean that men have a lot of sex because they can. I mean that they seduce many women because they can. It is not that they need the sex, it is the fact that they can get so many women in bed with them. The fact of the seduction proves their power. It is not about lust, it is about pride.
Witness what Not-yet-President Trump said to Billy Bush.
I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. I just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.
So, according to our president, the reason that he has committed so much adultery is not that his wife is not sexy enough (for sure, Melania Trump is one of the hottest women on the planet) but, rather, that his conquests of women show how famous he is. It feeds his narcissism.
But porn and erotica is not about pride. There is nothing about porn that feeds your ego. It only makes you feel good physically. Since it is not about the lust of the flesh (Do I really need to explain Cartesian Body-Soul dualism again?) it is simply the acting out of a physical desire, like eating or sleeping.
Several months ago, I linked to an article about Rick Warren’s wife’s confession that she had looked at porn. I also commented upon the article at the Catholic site that wrote it.
I recently got this reply.
Your link refers to 1 Tim 4. However, 1 Tim 4 warns against those whose cheapen marriage, and that warning seems to me about you as well. Because pornography how it made, who makes it, and how its treats sex, in OUR CULTURE has no redeeming features. Therefore pornography in our culture must be rejected in every way.
Also in the same passages, Paul preaches for ‘purity’. It can only refer to sexual purity.
I also don’t see how Warren’s experience cheapens what you are trying to do. That is a straw man argument. I agree with you that erotica is a very good thing, but I also believe the teachings of the Catholic Church that masturbation is a sin– with the same questioning as Peter who asked. ‘then how can anyone be saved?’. When Paul refers to thanksgiving, he is referring the the Catholic view, he is not in any way supporting porn that was very prevalent in the Roman culture.
I agree that some of your reflections are warranted in that it reflect the view in Protestantism that regards sex as fundamentally dirty. This comes from Luther’s teaching that the physical world is fundamentally corrupted, versus the Cathol ic teaching that matter is good but our relationship to it is tarnished but re-storable, healed by santifying grace (also rejected by Luther).
My site is mainly about evangelical opposition to erotica. As this writer makes clear, Catholicism teaches even against masturbation. Now if a man can’t rub one out, then he obviously shouldn’t be looking at porn. Masturbation and erotica are closely linked. I talk about this here.
He has two points.
Porn cheapens marriage because of the evilness of the porn industry
This is currently true. The porn industry considers itself sinful and it treats women as objects to be used and discarded. Even though at HolyErotica.com I attempt to only import high quality romantic couples erotica, I often link to videos produced by SinfulXXX and LustHD . What is so strange about these videos is that they are not displaying things that are sinful or lustful. A couple is perfectly can engage in perfectly holy sex without it being lust. It is probably true that the couple portrayed are not married or even in a committed relationship, there is nothing about the act or the erotica, itself, that is sinful or lustful.
The problem is that Christians have, in recent decades, turned sex over to the sinners. This is wrong. Sex was created by God and is wonderful, holy, and lovely. Naked women are beautiful and were created by God in his own image (not that God is a woman. The explanation of this is left as an exercise for the reader). Erotica should have been – as it was by Solomon and as the Renaissance artists – done by and about Christians and holy people about holy sex and nudity. See here, and here, and here.
I remember when I was taking my High School senior picture I saw in the artist’s studio a picture of a nude pregnant wife. I was horrified and embarrassed. How could a woman allow herself to be displayed to the public that way? You see, I had been convinced that nudity was sinful. I had fallen for the sinful pornographer’s trick.
2) Masturbation is a sin and so therefore porn is evil.
For a faithful Catholic, I suppose, this is an easy one. The pope says masturbation is wrong. We are done. But, maybe it isn’t quite so simple. It is, after all, only a venial sin. A trip to confession and a few Hail Mary’s and all is well.
But for those of us who don’t have to take the Pope’s word for it, the subject isn’t that difficult. Presumably the New Testament writers (who were all men) knew how to jerk it. In all of their very specific lists of sins. (Adultery, fornication, lasciviousness…murder, drunkeness…) they never seem to get around to “wanking.”
“Well they don’t mention smoking either.” Really? Is that your argument. Smoking is new and the biblical authors had never heard of it, but I am confident that Cain and Able knew all about playing with their little peters. The Bible has time to forbid sex with your aunt, with your cousin, with your step-mother, but never mentions sex with yourself.
Actually it does mention it.
Leviticus 15:16 And if any man’s seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even.
17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even.
18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.
In other words, sex with your wife and masturbation with yourself are mentioned in the same passage, and the same instruction is given for both circumstances. Take a bath!
The majority of couples I’ve interviewed that have been married for greater than five years will have sexual intercourse at the rate of 4 to 12 times per month.
Horse-hockey. No, I don’t mean that this doctor is incorrect in his assessment. I mean, that it is horse-hockey that this is normal. No, it isn’t. It is also normal for people to have affairs after being married for 5 years. If they are only have sex 2 to 3 a week, then I would consider an affair inevitable.
I have been married for over three decades. That statistic should be closer to 2 to 3 times each day. I mean, there is the “going to sleep” sex, the “morning wood”sex and they “middle of the night in our sleep” sex, besides the afternoon “came home early from work and got horny” sex. Besides that, you’ve got the living room sex and the kitchen sex. How do people fit all of that into just 12 times in a month?
Why do married people stop having so much sex? I’m not sure, but the “being together five years” statement makes me suspicious. It sounds like the couple are getting bored and stop using stimuli that are related to each other. I am absolutely confident that men who are only having sex with their wives 4 times a month are masturbating to porn much, much, more commonly than that.
If a man is actually a good man who has taken the appropriate masculine role in his family, then he can change this by bringing his wife in on his sexual habits. Marriage is about shared sex.
If you don’t know how to do this, then you have to start by getting your wife to accept that you watch porn. Here is my article about that.
So, once you have helped your wife understand that erotica is a normal and important part of a holy man’s wife. You can simply start watching it in front of her. If she has been raised in the feminized anti-sex church, then she will know that she is supposed to be mad about this. Weather the storm; be a man. Offer to have sex with her right then. If she refuses, rub one out in front of her.
Remember, she is not actually angry on her own behalf. She is angry because she has been told that she is supposed to be angry. This is what the other women are telling her she is supposed to do.
Tell her this. Explain to her, repeatedly, that you are and have been a faithful husband. You are a godly man who loves her. You don’t want to have sex with other women and you will not have sex with other women. Tell her that God and the Bible are on your side. She has the opinions of her girlfriends. Which one is supreme in your home? Refer her to the other articles on this this website if she wants to argue about it.
This is not going to be easy. This is going to take some time. Probably months. By kind, be understanding, be loving. Don’t yell, don’t raise your voice. BUT DO NOT GIVE IN ON THIS. You are fighting for the long-term health of your family.
Eventually, your wife is going to make love to you while porn plays in the background. She will start having more orgasms because, the real fact of ths matter is, it is going to turn her on. (It is important to use only holy erotica for this. Female-friendly, romantic. You can find it gathered at HolyErotica.com so you don’t have to go browsing to find it.
This should not be something you do a couple times a week. Wake up each morning getting wood from erotic pictures. Go to bed each night after screwing like rabbits while watching erotica.
Eventually, the erotica will be less necessary. She’ll be jumping your bones in the shower, in the living room. You will wake up at night to her frigging your leg.
That, my friends, is what a holy marriage looks like.
I have received several feedback questions and comments about masturbation and loneliness. None of these were from the puritanical crowd. So I want to address an issue that some readers may find useful.
I believe that masturbation erotic videos/stories/pictures should be a part of a persons sexual life. In fact, I go further and say that it ALREADY is a part of almost every man’s sexual experience and most women’s. A problem occurs when there part of the universal sexual experience is considered shameful.
According to the psychologist Erickson, there are several stages of life that are not only universal, but necessary for psychological health. A baby learns “Trust vs Mistrust.” A toddler learns “Autonomy versus Shame.” A pre-school child learns “Initiative vs Guilt.” An elementary child learns “Industry versus Inferiority” and a teen learns “Identity versus Role Confusion”
It is in this “Identity” phase of growth that healthy, mature, and normal masturbation begins and, usually, erotic art is encountered. When the teen boy encounters erotic material he discovers that he has a certain feeling about girls. Thoughts of girls make him hard. Girls in bikinis give him wood. Girls in tight jeans make his jeans tight. Thoughts about sex with girls make him cream his underwear when he is asleep. Eventually, he discovers that by touching himself he does not have to wait for an erotic dream. He seeks out erotic material for masturbatory help.
This is normal and healthy. But, and this is important, this is not the end of his sexual development. In order to grow into a healthy adult, he must step into Erickson’s next stage “Intimacy versus Isolation”. He must learn to share this sexual life with another person. This proceeds in steps. He first learns how to kiss girls, date girls, treat girls with respect. He begins to learn that it is not enough to kiss a bunch of girls, but that this experience is best if it is shared with a single, special girl. The search for a single, special girl with whom he wishes to be completely open with, to hide nothing, to bare his soul as well as his entire body. To be truly naked, body and soul. Is frightening and dangerous. Many mistakes are made. This search can consume only a few months of high school, or it may consume the next decade of his life. This is the way it worked for me. I spotted my soul mate at age 24 and married her 11 weeks later. We are still together 3 decades later and will be separated only by death.
This new “Intimacy” stage is a universal NEED. If a man misses out on it, he cannot be whole, he cannot be truly healthy.
Ok, that is not entirely true. According to Jesus (who never married) it is possible to be a “Eunuch”
Matt 19:12 For there are some eunuchs, which were so born from their mother’s womb: and there are some eunuchs, which were made eunuchs of men: and there be eunuchs, which have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven’s sake. He that is able to receive it, let him receive it.
These men are called specially by God for some reason that only they know. However, this I know. Such a man is a EUNUCH. That is, he does not desire or want sex at all. He will not be drawn to porn. This is fairly rare and if someone is like this and wishes to talk about it with me, then he can hit the “Reply ” or “Contact Us” button.
Now, for the rest of us. It is a mistake for a young man to get caught in the “Identity” phase of life, when he is just discovering his sexual self, and never step on to the “Intimacy” side of life.
Porn allows a man to delay his development into an intimate person. This is fine. In our society a man becomes sexual at least a decade or more before he is ready to be a husband and father. But it is a mistake for any man to think that he can not ever step into the intimacy of an adult.
Porn has a place in an adult, intimate, man’s life. It allows him to maintain his sexual desire for his one woman by maintaining a health fantasy life. But it becomes a problem when it becomes a substitute for intimacy. The man will end up feeling lonely, isolated, and cut off from humanity. The result of this are depression and despair.
Sex and porn are not addictions because the treatment for “Sex Addiction” is not to quit sex.
There are two main reasons for people to call people’s sexual behavior an “addiction”. The first one is to excuse their own behavior. An example of this is this week’s Harvey Weinstein scandal. A man caught in predatory behavior declares that he is now seeking treatment for “sex addiction.”
But it is not just the predators of the world who are pushing this agenda. Most of it is by confused Christian leaders. I think that the reason they are pushing it is because they feel guilty about their erotic desire and are trying to subsume their desire in fighting against other people having sex. As I remember someone saying years ago (I don’t remember who) “Democrats view porn after they go to the store and buy it. Republican view it together in anti-porn group meetings.”
There are addictions in the world. Alcoholism, opoids, etc. I am a doctor and I drink alcohol. I have no problem with occasional moderate use. But when I have a patient who is an alcoholic I tell them that they have to quit drinking. I have occasionally, in order to get free parking downtown, gambled enough to get a card at the casino’s. But I tell gambling addicts that they must not go near the place on any condition.
But there are several behaviors that are often over indulged in that are not addictions. Overeating is not an addiction. Sleep is not an addiction. Running is not an addiction. Work is not an addiction. Vacation is not an addiction. The cure is not to stop eating, stop sleeping, stop exercising, stop working or never go on vacation.
But the hidden agenda of the anti-porn people is, let’s face it, to stop having sex. Do an image search on Google for “quit sex” and this is what you get.
And dozen’s more like it.
Oh yes, they tell you that sex is supposed to be holy in marriage, but if you read deeper, almost all of these people start making even more rules. You will find that they often end up in marriages with no sex at all. You will find that they are usually divorced.
Give up your own ways and start doing things God’s way. Rejoice in your sexuality. Watch some beautiful girls screw around, jack off with joy and let your spiritual energies be used in helping others.
There is a way to help men stop viewing porn – at least as much or as often. If a man must, by his convinced religious beliefs, forbid himself this behavior, then he ought to be helped to do so in the most healthy way possible.
As you know if you read this site, I don’t believe that Christians should be forced to quit viewing porn. I believe that the healthy male life includes erotica. However, there is a set of Christians who will never be able to believe this. These men will continue to suffer the guilt and self-destruction from indulging in this natural behavior. These men have been led astray into unhealthy ways of trying to quit. Firstly, the “Cognitive Behavior Therapy” method doesn’t work. That is like treating a stomach ulcer with NSAIDS for a headache. It just makes the situation worse.
So, for these men, I say this. Stop trying to treat a sex “addiction.” You are not addicted. There are many sinful or undesirable behaviors that are not addictions. These are behaviors that are normal, correct, and desirable but are often performed in ways or at times that are sinful or unhealthy.
A great example is food. if we desire food we are not necessarily a glutton. Yet we have all seen people whose eating is harmful to themselves and others. Eating, working, exercising, giving, praying/meditating, rejoicing, relaxing, and playing are all behaviors that are desirable and needful in moderation. If we find any person who doesn’t perform these behaviors at all, they are unhealthy. But a workaholic, anorexic, sloth, or excessive jokester also have a pathology in need of treatment.
Similarly, sex is not an addiction, but rather a desirable behavior that must be performed in moderation. An ascetic man who defrauds his wife is no more holy than a man who defrauds her by giving himself to porn rather than her.
Addiction is treated by cognitive behavior therapy and by 12 step programs – by sponsors and “accountability partners” – by helping the person to be mindful of their desires and redirecting himself to other desires – by getting them to avoid their triggers. But this doesn’t work in any normal behavior. We do not help dieters by cognitive behavior therapy or 12 step programs. We teach them to use behavioral conditioning.
Conditioning is illustrated by the famous “Pavlov’s dog” example. Pavlov rang a bell and fed his dogs, eventually the dogs slobbered whenever they heard a bell. This is called classical conditioning. We later came up with the concept of “operant conditioning” in which a stimulus is associated with a behavior and a reward or punishment For example, to get people to put on a seat belt we supply a noxious stimulus – a beep – that will not stop until the behavior (seat belt clicked) is performed. This is “negative reinforcement” = the removal of a noxious stimulus.
The removal of the association of a stimulus with a behavior is called extinction. This is what some pastors want to accomplish in their porn-viewing men. The association of the normal stimulus (erotic desire) with the undesireable behavior (porn viewing) is extinguished.
There are many interesting methods to do this – google “operant conditioning” and “extinguish” and you will find many useful ideas. But one rule I want to specifically mention.
—— Associations are weakened when the stimulus occurs in the absence of the behavior —-
In other words, the more often a man has an orgasm in the absence of porn use the weaker his impulse to view porn will be. Similarly, the more often he wakes up in the morning with a nocturnal erection (morning wood) and does not have sex with his wife, the less often he will desire to have sex with his wife.
This fits with how Paul said to “avoid fornication” in I Corinthian’s 7. “every man have his own wife”, “better to marry than burn” and “defraud ye not one another.”
So, if a man is having a problem with porn, the answer is NOT accountability partners, but rather more sex. Instead of using porn till he doesn’t want his wife. His wife should rather keep his balls so drained that he doesn’t have anything left for porn.
According to “Dr.” James Dobson (he is not a physician or a psychiatrist folks!) he found out from the psychopath Ted Bundy that porn use accelerates. You start with Playboy and end up having to have cannibalistic sex.
But those of us who have been married for any number of years know that sex doesn’t work this way.
Ok, Adults, admit it. Your first experience at sex was pretty disappointing. You thought, “This is it? This is all? This is what everyone is talking about?”
It takes a while to really enjoy it. To get over the self-consciousness to give yourself to the moment. And frankly, to really give in to the pure fun of it.
That’s because the brain has not yet “potentiated” the pleasure. The paths are tentative and not well formed. The electrical signals are spread out all over the striatum and not concentrated in the dopamine/pleasure circuits in the nucleus accumbens.
Those of us who have been married for many years know that sex gets better and “sweeter as the years go by…..”. After many years one doesn’t “need” sex as often or as much, but when you do get a “round tuit” well, I’ll stop describing now.
This is exactly the opposite way that an addiction works. CS Lewis’s devil in the Screwtape Letters described the perfect Satanic addiction.
Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is His invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage the humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. . . . An ever increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula. . . . To get a man’s soul and give him nothing in return–that’s what really gladdens Our Father’s heart.
And porn works the same way. The first time a boy finds a dirty magazine in a shed or under his daddy’s mattress he is fascinated and yet confused. It is only after seeing it many times that he can really get a good jerkoff session going.
In fact, sexual dysfunction is marked not by to MUCH sex, but by to LITTLE. We treat sexual dysfuction by desensitizing the patient not to sex, but to the ANXIETY of sex.
For example, read this 1969 article arguing that the treatment for homosexuality (yes, they used to do that) was to DESENSITIZE the patient to heterosexual sex.
So I was talking to a pastor recently who was looking for ways to help men overcome their porn habit. Since I am a psychiatrist, he was asking me about the parts of the brain that were involved in reward.
I know why he was asking. He had been exposed to Gary Wilson’s “Your Brain on Porn” and wanted to preach a sermon to men about how viewing porn was just like using crack cocaine.
It isn’t. Here is what I explained to the pastor. If you approach porn as an addiction then you will try to “cure” it using the anti-addiction methodology that we use for cocaine, meth, gambling, and heroin addicts. But this is like treating gall stones with lung cancer medicine. It won’t accomplish your goal and it will just make things worse.
For example. One of the first anti-addiction drugs of choice that we use is Wellbutrin. Wellbutrin reduces addiction cravings. I have given it to alcoholics, smokers, and today I thought about prescribing it to a crack cocaine addict.
But Wellbutrin does not lower sexual desire at all. In fact, when we have a patient whose use of Paxil/Lexapro/Celexa/Zoloft is reducing libido, we switch them to Wellbutrin. If porn/sex was really an addiction, the Wellbutrin would reduce desire, not increase it.
So, if a Christian pastor wants to help their disciples to stop viewing porn, they should approach it from a different standpoint than addiction. They should treat it as an sinful – but natural- behavior like fornication or adultery.
Ok, I will confess up front. I’m actually discussing whether porn is addictive, but I am coming about it the long way.
Dr. David Ley, a clinical psychologist, recently treated a young christian man of 18 who was “addicted to masturbation.” He masturbated once a week.
(I wonder if he ever splurged and did it twice?)
I had hoped that the Christian world has gotten past the churches trying to destroy their young men this way, but I’m afraid not. I know that in my day the church made us feel terrible. I know of one young man in the late ’70’s who would come home to his parents after making out with his girlfriend on her front porch (a girl he married the next year – the baby was born 8 months later). He would have them get up and pray with him to overcome temptation. He was being tempted to relieve his blue balls using “Mother Thumb and her 4 sisters.”
No one thought to complement this virtuous young man on his restraint. No one told him to possibly relieve some of his tension and maybe help him limit his explorations with his girl. No, his parents continued to instruct him to “overcome his flesh.” The resulting baby was very beautiful and has grown into a very wonderful and Godly young man.
Few churches teach against masturbation anymore. But I have a question. What is the upper limit for “holy” masturbation in a day? Is there a limit? Once a week? Twice a week? Once a day? Can he splurge and go twice Ok, you don’t want to put a number on it, but let’s see how many times you think is unreasonable. Three times a day? Four? Five?
I am a psychiatrist. I have treated manic people who were hypersexual. They masturbated until they raised blisters on their penis.
But my point still holds even for them. There is a biological limit on how much a person can masturbate. After a while it just ain’t no more fun. You can “edge” as long as you want but eventually you are going to bust a nut. And there is just so many times you can do that till it gets boring. Ok, so let’s admit that some men can spend a whole day thinking about sex and playing with themselves. Can they spend EVERY day this way?
No they can’t. This isn’t “Call of Duty” Eventually it just gets boring.
MASTURBATION IS NOT AND ADDICTION BECAUSE IT DOESN’T INCREASE
One of the most important parts of “Addiction” is tolerance. Yesterday 4 norcos made you feel good. Today you need 6. Tomorrow you want 8. Eventually you need so many to feel good that you take enough to stop your breathing and you die.
But masturbation isn’t like that. The first squirt of the young man’s week produces a quarter cup. The next a table spoon. After while a few drops come out and the resulting orgasm is merely “ok”. In order to get that first body-shaking seizure-inducing feeling again he is going to have to
So masturbation is not addictive. The sad young man above who believed he was “addicted” to masturbation had simply not choked the chicken to death.
Let’s talk about masturbation some more (please!)
Today, of course, most churches know that masturbation is a normal and healthy part of growing up. Even Focus on the Family has waved the white flag on this issue. But for some reason they still want their young men to carry a load of guilt. James Dobson instructs boys that they can jerk it as long as they don’t “lust” at the same time. In other words, it should be a purely physical act – kind of like scratching an itch. No imagination of females should play on the back of closed eyelids.
Amazingly, he is supposed to instantly change his attitude on the night of his marriage. Suddenly, sex must not be merely scratching an itch, but must be rather be a holy act that is almost entirely about the female.
But let’s be real. No boy jacks off without imagination. (If a female reading this thinks that this is not true, ask a man). So all boys imagine sex while doing “hand to gland combat.”
And – let’s be even more real – today those boys are not simply imagining it on the back of their eyelids. They are watching porn.
Now let me ask you. Do they watch porn and NOT jerkoff?
No they do not. Watching porn and jacking off for the male species is synonymous. Watching porn without jacking the beanstalk is boooooooring.
So, I ask you. How much porn can a young man watch?
Do I need to go through this again? Obviously porn – like masturbation – is self-limiting. The more you see the less you need to see. You need a “cooling off period” (or maybe that is a “storing some up” period) before you want to do it again.
Now, some of you may be saying – what about James Dobson’s interview with Ted Bundy the serial killer? Bundy told Dobson that regular porn got boring so he had to watch more perverted porn, then more perverted until eventually he had to sexually slaughter people in order to feel good.
Ted Bundy was a sociopath who was conning a gullible mark in order to possible get a pardon from President George HW Bush. This was nonsense. He was not led to mass murder by porn. Sociopaths are created at a very young age – usually by extreme neglect and abuse. Certainly this was true of Bundy’s childhood.
Ask yourself – those of you who have watched porn (that would be EVERY ONE OF YOU MEN) Did you really find it so boring that you had to watch bestiality in order to shoot your wad? When you did see the extreme stuff did it really turn you on or did it repel you. Come on, be honest.
The “escalating nature of porn” is a stupid myth. No one ever experienced it himself, he just projected his fears onto other men.
Let me (finally) make my point.
Porn is not an addiction because it does not meet the minimum requirement of addiction – an increasing need with decreasing reward.
The essence of being a man includes rescuing women and children in a flood, it includes hunting and fishing, backpacking, and, yes, watching porn. Hurricane Harvey this week has shown us that the manly virtues are not things that can be quickly thrown away.
Yes, I know that the feminizing movement is active in the church. It wants to redefine manliness to be estrogen-laden males. it wants us to vacuum the floor and to communicate fully our inner lives. But when we need real men, it is not these beta-males who show up.
When the feminizing movement showed up in the church, it did not directly attack courage, instead it told boys that they shouldn’t fight back – even if attacked or defending a weaker person. It didn’t directly attack hunting or fishing, instead it told husbands that they ought to “spend more time with their family.” But men have been spending time with their boys for many centuries – by hunting and fishing. It didn’t tell men to stop having sex with their wives, it just attacked their erotic desires – called it lust – and tried to convince men that the only Godly sexual desire involved candlelit dinners and long walks in the twilight.
But Godly sexual desire also includes pure physical desire, pure desire to grab their wives sexual parts and go to slurping and humping. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, ungodly about this.
Yes, there is also a place for romantic, sweet, and tender lovemaking. But there is nothing inherently more Godly and holy about tender and sweet versus hot and fervent. I dare you to find any scripture that even hints differently.
Christian men should be encouraged to be manly. To want sex – early, late, and often. The best way to encourage this is by depicting sex to them and not placing a guilt-trip on them for liking it.
Looked in the church bulletin this morning and saw the same thing that was in every bulletin. Events this week for the high school teens, the college youth, and the women’s weekly fellowship.
Hmm, do you notice who was left out? The men, of course. There was no place for the men to socialize. There were no hunting, fishing, or four-wheeler/camping trips. There were no trips to see sports games or monster trucks.
Do you think that men stay home all week and don’t go out with their friends? Of course not. The young men are hitting the single’s scenes (They are certainly not showing up to the “college youth” meetings. Who wants to be sneered at as a sex-addict and probable future “emotional abuser”)
Their are lots of social events that men go to, but none of them are sponsored by the church. There are soccer groups, bowling leagues, amateur baseball teams. There are hunting groups, fishing friends, and bars where men can just hang out, drink beer, play cards, and talk about women. Men get together to go to the rodeo or see wrestling or monster trucks. None of these are approved by our new female-led churches. We are more likely to be told that we have to go on “Daniel Fasts” that don’t include meat. Certainly we can’t drink beer or talk about sports and boobies.
But the fact is that men have always done these things and always will. The masculine pursuits are as Godly as weight-watchers and diabetes education workshops. Jesus and his 12 disciples, along with the many other disciples including wives and single women, spent time in the wilderness, resting just before the crucifixion week. I guarantee you that during that time there was some wine drinking, some wrestling, some races, and I think that the married couples did a lot of humping and the singles flirted.
This is not how the modern church treats its men. It sneers at sweat, hunting, and bloody sports. It treats their God-given sex-drive as an addiction.
Oh, by the way, there was one event scheduled that the men were encouraged to go to – Celebrate Recovery. The church wants them to deal with their “addictions.”
Looking forward to the Game of Thrones Season Premier tonight, especially the nude parts…..
Predictably, the “Christian” position being preached in the churches today is that Christians can’t watch because of the nudity. We aren’t allowed to admit that breasts exist or that we like to look at them.
I remember when we couldn’t watch television because of the cursing. This was always strange. The Bible contains curse words. Elijah said that God would kill all of Ahab’s children that “pissed against the wall” – in other words, all the males. But Elijah didn’t just say “males” he wanted to throw the extra curse because God was really angry and wished to express that angry clearly.
So, also, the Bible contains many clear descriptions of nudity. Often those descriptions are explicitly sexual and intended to arouse. Solomon was clearly a breast man, but he liked legs and butts, so he included those.
Now, the sex in Game of Thrones is rarely marital (except those great Danerys-Drogo scenes (hubba, hubba). But I think it is noticeable that the fornication and adultery is usually described as poor behavior and consequences follow. Explicit rape scenes are shown, but they are shown as horrid and deserving of the inevitable consequences. The Dothraki engage in public orgies, but this is used as an example of their continued bad treatment of women. And when Danerys makes a pact with the Iron Islands, she explicitly insists that the raping must stop.
The church’s attempt to preach against watching the Game of Thrones is self-defeating. Here is a series that speaks explicitly to the morality of our time and strongly supports the idea that evil is tempting, but is ultimately self-defeating. National Review has a great article which argues for this interpretation.
I, of course, don’t believe that the modern evangelical church has the right attitude toward nudity to begin with. If we would adopt a biblical, instead of a Victorian, attitude, we could start to reach out to the men who are either not attending or just attending nominally, without letting it have any effect on their lives.
Firstly, Christian men aren’t getting married because there are so few single Christian men.
When is the last time you saw a Christian single man at church? Was he available? Of course not. He was grabbed up. There are few single men at the church because the church makes no attempt to reach them. Oh yes, the women are trying to reach them and bring them to church with them. But the men don’t show up, and are not being sought, by the church. When the grace of God reaches down and touches a young man, and he shows up to church, then the feminized church will drive him away. Masculinity, sweat, hunting, fishing, competing, are all treated as a vaguely distasteful necessity of having men at the church. But the “real” Christian men will be feminized. They will have great “listening” skills and their gestures will be comfortably familiar to females. When the church later discovers that they are homosexual, they will be shocked.
The only “men’s” program at the church is the program for families. The singles groups are full of women and the lessons are all about dieting, diabetes education, communication, and recovery from “emotional abuse” of their ex-boyfriends and husbands.
If a man is a real man, if he likes beer and naked women. If he has a beard and a likes to look at women’s boobs, then he will be shunted to a Promise Keeper’s group to be properly educated out of his gender.
And, God help us, if these men like sex, if they like to look at naked women, if they go online to look at pornography and erotica, then they must be disciplined, they must be discipled, the must be cured of their “Porn Addiction”
Are you surprised that masculine men don’t want anything to do with Christ?
And it is a shame, because Jesus and his disciples were men’s men. They could stand up in front of the Sanhedrin and tell them that they would obey God rather than men. They could work all night, naked, on a boat in the middle of the sea of Galilee, even if they caught nothing.
Christian men aren’t getting married because the church has decided it doesn’t want Christian single men, it just wants properly schooled girly-men.
And yet, when you peer closer at the data, it turns out that extramarital sex is changing before our very eyes. While the overall rate of people reporting extramarital flings is the same, the demographics of the people who report the adultery are changing dramatically. And not necessarily in the direction you might think.
The millennials, with their Tinder and their sexting and their God-knows-what-they-get-up-to-on-those-interwebs, are not driving this trend. It’s the baby boomers, with their Jimi Hendrix box sets and their Viagra prescriptions and their dog-eared copy of “The Joy of Sex” that they thought they’d lost four moves ago. People under the age of 55 are actually having markedly less extramarital sex than people in that age group did in the 1990s. But people over the age of 55 are busy making up for their missed action.
Think about what this means. The same generation X that has decided that porn is not a problem has decided that adultery is. It is not that porn has not changed their behavior – of course what you watch changes your behavior. More women engaged in lesbian sex before marriage, more anal sex, and more genital grooming, but when this generation of men and women got married, they decided to stay faithful.
Why, I am sure that the “your brain on porn” advocates told us that they would all become sex-addicts, that watching porn would cause them to become more and more addicted, that their brains would shrink, that they would lose the ability to control their sexual desires….
It seems that the opposite has happened – as real scientists told us that it would – that these people would become more discriminating about sex, that they would be able to enter marriage without the passion of unresolved sexual tension, that they could therefore stay married longer and be more faithful during their marriage.
But I didn’t have to wait for science to tell me this (though I am a psychiatrist and I make sure that my opinions are always informed by science). The Bible told me this a long time ago. God told me that erotica was part of normal and holy life, he inspired Solomon to write it for me to enjoy. He also told me that erotica ought to point toward and idealize marital love. That is why I created the Holy Erotica site, so that Christians could take back erotica from the sinners.
If more people would make sites like this, more Christian couples would make erotica for others to enjoy, then we would not find lesbianism and anal sex increasing, instead you would find Christian marriages lasting longer and being stronger.
1Ti 6:20 O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called:
One of the most frustrating things to watch is the Christian PseudoScientists pretend that science backs their anti-porn crusade. You can see this in the fake scientist Gary Wilson‘s “Your Brain On Porn” nonsense. The studies directly contradict him. But he doesn’t care, because the people who are listening to him don’t care. He is making money off of their gullibility. They have a religious tradition opinion and they will jump on any “science” that supports their tradition. They don’t actually read the details because it doesn’t matter. Instead they will jump up in church and proclaim – “Even Science will tell you that porn changes your brain.”
There have been many pseudoscience advocates in our lifetime. We have the anti-vaccination people, the laetrile advocates, the “pure” high pH water people, the “paleo-diet” people, etc. All of these people have one thing in common, THEY DON’T ACTUALLY DO RESEARCH.
Research is very hard. It is very strict. As a psychiatrist, I am required to produce one research project in the next 3 years. This is very difficult to do. I have to become a true expert on the question that I am asking. I have to then formulate the question correctly. Then I have to decide what data that I need to answer the question. Then I have to discover the source of the data. I have to then gather the data and compile it into understandable form. I have to find the answer to the question that I asked – which may not be the answer I expected. I have to find the weaknesses of methodology. Finally I have to write and publish the paper resulting from all of this.
This is all hard work. It would be a lot easier to simply do a google search and then selectively quote from studies that OTHER people have done. I can misquote them, take their work out of context, apply it incorrectly, and then proclaim my pre-determined opinion. This is what all of these “Your Brain On Porn” people have done. If you don’t believe me, do this experiment. Go to “PubMed.Com” where all of the medical studies are published and look for an author “Gary Wilson” It isn’t there. Look for anyone else in the Porn Addiction advocate crowd. None of them are there either.
I Tim 4:1-5 Now the Spirit speaketh expressly, that in the latter times some shall depart from the faith, giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron; Forbidding to marry, and commanding to abstain from meats, which God hath created to be received with thanksgiving of them which believe and know the truth. For every creature of God is good, and nothing to be refused, if it be received with thanksgiving: For it is sanctified by the word of God and prayer.
One of the most common methods of false holiness is asceticism, the attempt to look more holy than others by denying normal and Godly desire.
The medieval Catholics practiced this by forbidding their priests to marry and stopped them from eating meat on Friday and during Lent. This allowed them to feel holy even while their were slaughtering babies, stealing from their neighbors, keeping mistresses, etc.
So also, today, our modern church movement has decided that it has to make up some new rules to make them feel holy. Now, note, one of the most common sins in the pew today is probably fornication. Unmarried couples are openly shacked up together. Dating couples are assumed to be sleeping together. Yet, the church ignores these sins and instead preaches against the boyfriend’s “addiction” to porn.
Turning to fake science, they believe that the man’s sleeping with his girlfriend doesn’t harm his brain, but somehow looking at erotica will. Even though, the Bible clearly forbids the first and promotes the second.
This is not a new phenomenon. Paul said that in the latter times people would depart from the faith and instead preach other doctrines – doctrines of devils. Just because it is “forbidding” does not make it holy. God is not a God of forbidding, but a God of pleasure. When we take pleasure in the proper place (in our marriages, and in imaginations about marriages) then life is holy and pure. When we add in our own commands – morphing the gospel into legalism and pharisaism – then we live lives of bondage and guilt.
So rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let your fountain be blessed as your watch erotica. Enjoy the pleasures that God gave you and tell the legalists to go read their bible more and preach a false chastity less.
Look, if you want to make a biblical or religious argument against porn, by all means do so. I encourage you to comment and we will discuss it. But if you want to make a scientific argument, you ought to at least look at the science, and it does not say what the new pharisees are proclaiming.
The article explains why men have left the church. I would add that it was after men were driven from the church that proper masculine erotic desire was demonized. Now today the “supporting” church wants to draw men in and cure them of their porn “addiction”
If the church had kept it’s proper masculinity, this would have been laughed out of the pulpit in the first week.
Christian men of a certain age were warned against masturbation by our mothers. One day you and her were in the kitchen and no one else was around,
“You don’t ah… play with yourself,” she whispered.
“No, Mom, no. Of course not.”
She nodded and accepted your answer. She never bothered to ask how you knew exactly what she was talking about. You were consumed with guilt for months and years. Not only did you commit that terrible sin of jerking off, you compounded it by LYING and we all knew that ALL LIARS HAVE THEIR PLACE IN THE LAKE OF FIRE.
You couldn’t even repent of your sin, because you knew that then you would have to confess to your mother that you had lied. The sermons were universally agreed on this.
Did any of you actually go and confess to your mother? I did. She turned white and went and talked to Daddy. He then had to have a “talk” with me. Now, of course, I know that his talk was done tongue-in-cheek. He was just doing it to please Mom. He, along with all of the Christian men of his generation, had taken as an article of faith that the thing that they had all done for years was sinful. That’s why so few of them actually went to church. We were raised in a church full of women. Even though the churches now agree that boys can masturbate (as long as they don’t “lust” while they are doing it) The churches are still full of mostly women, because the church has failed to come to grips with the single simple fact that erotic arousal IS NOT LUST.
So choke your chicken, flog the one-eyed monster, jack the beanstalk, burp the worm. Enjoy your God-given ability to experience the joys of sex. It is a God-intended pleasure.
Job 36:11 If they obey and serve him, they shall spend their days in prosperity, and their years in pleasures.
Psalms 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.
Psalms 36:8 They shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of thy house; and thou shalt make them drink of the river of thy pleasures.
So you’re a sincere Christian man and you have looked at porn your entire life. You feel terribly guilty about this. Your prayers are hindered as a result. All of the “Men’s retreats” at your church concentrate on one subject and one subject only – “Pornography Addiction”. You have tried giving it up multiple times. You confessed to your pastor and got an “accountability partner.” After the first couple of times you stopped telling him how you have “fallen” again. Maybe you even lost him as a friend as a result.
You feel all alone, because your church has placed you on a merry-go-round of eternal guilt. After decades of trying to beat your “porn addiction” you sense that you will always watch it. Maybe you even dropped out of church, since you knew that you must not be a Christian. Christians should be able to overcome at least one addiction!
You have fallen prey to the modern Pharisees. You have been duped into a falsehood. There is no command in the Bible telling you to avoid erotic stories or images. In fact, the opposite is true. The Bible is full of erotica. It describes and treats masturbation just like it treats sex, pregnancy, and menstruation – as normal parts of a holy life. The command to avoid pornography is man’s tradition, not God’s command and certainly not Bible.
Here are the links proving that you are a good Christian with whom God is well-pleased.
So, it is my position that Christian men can view what is considered pornography (wrongly called, it should be erotica) without being wrong. I say this for three reasons. Firstly, holy erotica is God-ordained and inspired. Secondly, it is healthy. Thirdly, sincere holy men have been looking at “dirty” art for thousands of years without our religion being destroyed.
Firstly, Erotica is God-ordained. The Bible includes everything necessary for a Christian life. God knew that people would be angry at life’s injustices, so he put in the book of Job. He knew that people would question him, so he put in many of the Psalms and the book of Habakkuk. He knew that people would feel hopeless as they approached old age, so he put in the book of Ecclesiastes. Proverbs is filled with miscellaneous advice on thousands of important subjects.
And God knew that single people should be reminded how wonderful married love is, and he knew that married people would need to encourage their sexual desire so that it would not become humdrum. So he put in the play of the Song of Solomon that includes nudity, erotica, and explicit sexual imagery. Solomon had this play performed live in his court – in short – he had live sex shows, since video hadn’t been invented yet. God included this “porn” (actually erotica) in his Bible for a reason. That reason is to inform us that in our railing against adulter and fornication we should not forget that marital sex was invented by God for the pleasure of his people.
Secondly, Erotica is healthy. Despite what you read about from non-physician, non-psychiatrist, pseudo-experts like “YourBrainOnPorn” Gary Wilson; studies do NOT show that your brain is harmed by viewing erotica. In fact, a recent study showed that couples who overcome the imposed guilt of the legalistic churches were drawn closer together, even if the erotica was viewed alone. If brains were truly damaged so badly by porn, then the 70% of men who ADMIT that the view porn regularly and the 29% who lie about it would be wandering the streets waiting to murder and rape women. And yet, most marriages seem to survive and thrive in spite of these poor husbands’ brains being destroyed. We would like to provide a study showing that marriages survive more when men view porn, but we can’t find any men who don’t watch porn. The “Porn Addiction” so much quoted by these pseudo-experts simply doesn’t exist, which is why the psychiatrists did not include it as a diagnosis in the newly released Diagnostic Statistical Manual 5(DSM5). Vegetarians want to define bacon as an addiction, and the new puritans want to define erotica as an addiction. Neither is.
Thirdly, sincere Christian men are already viewing porn. Yes, I know, Christians sin all the time. But if the Holy Spirit is really guiding ANY Christians and God hates porn so much, then SOME of them should be overcoming. Yet the studies show that there is no difference between the porn viewing habits of proclaiming Christians and non-believers. That is because God is not helping men to overcome an act that he never forbade.
The church, dominated the dear sisters who don’t understand the biological desire that God gave all men keep trying to accomplish the impossible. The natural result is a church empty of men. Pastors who counsel marital couples when the husbands porn “addiction” is discovered actually destroy the marriage.
Lu 1:1 Forasmuch as many have taken in hand to set forth in order a declaration of those things which are most surely believedamong us,
To listen to the sermons and read the web pages of the modern evangelical church, you would think that the principles of the gospel are freedom from “addictions” and helping people overcome their “hurts”.
Not long ago I passed a small church with a sign out front that said, “We help hurt people.” I thought, yeah, you probably do. People come to you for help and you help to hurt them.
I once attended a church in the Texas panhandle who thought that the principles of the gospel were to keep the women in “modest” apparel – long baggy dresses with long sleeves. To keep their hair long and uncut. To keep them from wearing jewelry which might gain attention. In short, to keep women as uglified as possible in order to keep the men of the church from lusting after them.
This worked as well as you might imagine. The pastor snuck off to Lubbock to look at porn and purchase prostitutes. He slavered after the young wives of the church, committed adultery with them, and broke up their marriages. He felt guilty about these things, of course. He went to other pastors in towns to confess his sins in order to attempt to use “accountability” to recover from his “addiction.” It didn’t work. – Of course, it didn’t work. Making up your own gospel never does.
The principles of the gospel – those things “most surely believed” are not the things MOST IMPORTANT TO US. Just because we have been raised in the prudish Victorian principles of anti-erotica, and just because our God-given biology forces us to behave in opposition to these unscriptural principles, does not mean that these are the things MOST IMPORTANT TO GOD.
God cares about the gospel. Jesus came to tell us God’s word. He didn’t come to back up the Pharisees in their traditions. The Gospel of Jesus is about dying for our sins, being resurrected for our regeneration, promising us that he will return for our hope of the resurrection. The sins that he wishes to deliver us from are Adultery, Fornication, Hatred, Murder, Rioting, Drunkeness (Galations 5:19-20) not “addictions.” He came to give us the source of the fruits of the Spirit – Love, Joy, Peace, etc. We help people overcome their addictions (the true addictions, I mean) because they prevent the fruits of the spirit from being expressed in their lives. But the centrality of the Gospel is not MEN but GOD. It is about Jesus and our relationship to him.
The Church must return to preaching the gospel instead of being a self-help group guided only by Pop Psychology that has no source in either the gospel or science.
Erotica – or what today we inaccurately call porn – is, as God showed us in the Song of Solomon, part of a healthy lifestyle. If we are guided by Scripture, the we would be promoting Holy Erotica (as I do in my website HolyErotica.com)
Today’s church is being seduced, like the foolish Galations so long ago, into believing a gospel of works. That living a Christian life means living and talking about Jesus, not running around talking about the most current fad to preach against.
Are you tired of the nannies who keep trying to tell us what is bad for us? I know that I am. For some years the vegetarians have been trying to order us to give up meat. They told us that humans are all supposed to be vegetarians or vegans. They enlisted the support of nanny-state regulators to stop us from enjoying Big Macs and T-Bones.
Meanwhile, we doctors have to treat the anemia from the B12, Folic Acid, and iron deficiencies of people who allowed the food puritans to give them orders.
Now a segment of the right has jumped into the Nanny business. Supposedly viewing pornography is now “addiction”. All of the studies disprove this. I treat addicts all of the time. Not once have I had a patient who could not go to work in the morning because he couldn’t stop watching porn. Not once have I had a man who ended up in the emergency room from porn. I have treated hyper-sexual people, but they are, without fail, suffering from another psychiatric disease that caused the hypersexuality. (Bipolar, Mental Retardation, Schizophrenia)
I want you to notice something. All of these “Porn Addiction” experts ARE NOT PSYCHIATRISTS. The number one man out there making money off of these false claims (dare I say “fake news”) is Gary Wilson (Your Brain On Porn). He is not even a scientist. He has not one peer-reviewed study to his name. He is an anatomy lab tech is at a 2nd rate state university.
The Psychiatrists have made it clear. Porn is not an addiction. There is no “Porn Addiction” diagnosis in the manual. It doesn’t have the effect on the brain that drugs and behaviors of addiction do. You do not become desensitized to porn with use, in fact the opposite occurs, the brain responds better with more use. You are no more “addicted” to porn than a newly wed is “addicted” to sex with his wife. Nor does use of porn lead one into more perverse sexual behaviors. The opposite occurs. The young man sees the perverse behaviors, may even try them out, is repelled by them and returns to more healthy sexual habits as he gets older. Ted Bundy’s manipulated his dupe “Dr.” James Dobson into becoming an anti-porn activist. But Dobson has a single child-psychology degree and no post-doctoral research to his name. Bundy claimed that porn caused his abberant behavior. If that is true, then why are the 70% of men who admit to using porn and the 99% of men who actually look at it running around killing people.
What is it in humans that causes us to want others to stop having fun. Is it resentment that if I can’t have fun, then no one else should be able to? Because Mama made me eat my vegetables, I have to make sure everyone eats nothing but vegetables. Because Mama didn’t want me to “play with myself” then I must make sure that no one ever flogs the one-eyed snake?
I have just launched HolyErotica.com. It I have launched this site for the purpose of providing Christians with depictions of pure, loving, and holy sex. Here is my mission statement for the site.
What is “Holy Erotica”
Holy Sex is between a husband and a wife. God intended men (and women) to be excited by the thought of sex. He intended us to be excited about beautiful bodies and the thought of sex with them. There is nothing wrong and everything right about us enjoying written and visual depictions of sex. But these depictions should either be depictions of holy sex or if the sex is unholy, then the depiction ought to include an unattractive end result of sin – which is sorrow, pain, and death.
Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Sex should be beautiful, pure, loving, and kind. It should not involve more than two people. It should not include humiliation, bondage or pain. Both people involved in the erotic depiction should appear to love one another and enjoy the act.
Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.
Good art depicts the ideal, the perfect. So Holy Erotica will show perfect sex. Of course, in real life perfection does not exist, but that doesn’t mean I want to see imperfection. I don’t watch romantic movies where they live unhappily ever after and I don’t watch porn that has pimpled, ugly, fat, and old people. If I wanted to see an old fat guy having sex I would put a mirror on my bedroom ceiling.
Our imaginations were intended to be on holy and pure things. So the videos on this site will show pure sex, between two people or one person with their own self, in its most pure form.
Phillippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I know that most porn is produced by unmarried partners, but the sex act, itself is holy. Just as a beautiful meal can be consumed by a glutton, so also the holy act of sex can be participated in by sinful people. In my mind, the sex depicted is presumed to be marital – I don’t ask for marriage certificates.
I Corinthians 10:27-28 If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake. But if any man say unto you, This is offered in sacrifice unto idols, eat not for his sake that shewed it, and for conscience sake: for the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof:
If, in the depiction, the participants state that they are unmarried, then that video will not be intentionally on this site.
So, the “porn” (really erotica) on this HolyErotica.com site are going to be either solo or between (presumably) married couples who love one another and are mutually enjoying the act. If there is any gagging, “make her swallow”, spanking, BDSM, anal, gang-bangs or other humiliating acts, and (of course) underage sex, then it is by accident and I would appreciate being contacted and informed of my oversight.
Despite the claims of the “porn addiction” crowd, I have viewed porn for over four decades without any desire to “escalate” to depraved acts. I love sex with my wife as much today as I did on our marriage day when we gave our virginity to each other. We both enjoy it a lot more than we did that night because we have gained some skills in the intervening decades – some of those skills were gained by watching “porn.”
One of the most arguments against christian married couples enjoying porn together is that the artificial perfection of the women and couples in porn will make the couple unsatisfied with the imperfections in each other.
This argument does not stand up to examination. Firstly, that is not the experience of couples who watch porn. Secondly, this argument isn’t used in any other situation. Thirdly, imagining the ideal is precisely what Christians and Jews have taught as the proper behavior for thousands of years.
Let’s take these one at a time.
Couples who watch porn do not experience decreased desire for each other.
The anti-porn advocate selectively quotes from the “question” part of the study that asks whether erotica-viewing will reduce marital desire. He then leaves out the results of the study – which contradicts his pre-determined conclusion. After studying 34 couples who were tested after viewing erotic and non-erotic stimuli. Here is what the authors wrote.
Participants viewing both the erotic and exciting films reported equivalent increases in excitement; however, the erotic film was rated as slightly more generally arousing and increased participant's desire to be close to their partner...viewing erotic films led to more positive evaluations of one's own sexual behaviors.
In short, the study states that couples who watched erotica – whether singly or alone – desired each other more. Of course they did. They got turned on by the fantasy and wanted some of the real thing from each other.
But why is this. Shouldn’t the fantasy make the reality less desirable? No
We use fantasy models all the time
Remember the wax fruit craze of the ’70’s. My mother put out a bowl of wax fruit as decoration. Did you ever try to bite into it? Well, I did. Mom was not happy. I discovered that models rarely taste as good as they look. Nevertheless, those perfect-looking waxed fruits did whet my desire for real fruit. If something can LOOK that good, surely somewhere there is something that TASTES that good.
When I go to the department store to buy clothes, I am surrounded by mannequins modelling those clothes. I know perfectly well that there are no male bodies with perfect abs like that outside of Hollywood (I’ll give you Chris Hemsworth). I certainly don’t look that nice. Yet I buy those polo shirts anyway. The store knows that showing me the ideal will increase my desire for the everyday.
When I watch Grey’s Anatomy with my wife, she knows perfectly well that I will never approach the manly perfection displayed
But I have gotten my bones jumped a few times after the episode!
Christians believe in Platonic Ideals
My point is that healthy brains are perfectly capable of distinguishing between the ideal and the prosaic. In fact, that is the way our brain works. We name things by the ideal. When Adam named the animals, he didn’t name them for ranges of attributes. (Four legged animal that eats grass, chews cud, and gives milk – coming in a range of colors and sizes) but rather for an ideal (this cow is larger than usual, with black and white spots instead of uniform brown).
As Judea-Christian philosophers, we believe that heaven contains the models of things that exist on earth. The perfect marriage is Christ and the Church. Contemplating this perfect love does not cause me to love my wife less, but more.
Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
So also, contemplating the perfect sex causes me to love sex with my wife more
I know that the sex models aren’t actually that perfect. That a guy cannot maintain an erection that long, that my wife isn’t going to moan that excitedly. That we aren’t both going to have simultaneous orgasms very often. I certainly know that I am not endowed with that many inches.
But that doesn’t keep me from using the inches that God endowed me with to please her and make her as happy as any porn star ever thought of being.
I take the position that Christians should watch porn. But in saying this, I do not defend the position that all porn is good. In fact, the vast majority of the porn on the internet is junk. It is full of hatefulness, degradation, gang bangs and adultery. Anyone who loves God knows that these things are evil.
My statement that “I like porn” is similar to the statement “I like sex.” It is not a defense of every act of sex, or even most acts of sex, that take place.
A quote from CS Lewis’ Screwtape Letters is appropriate:
Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s [God’s] ground. I know we have won many a soul through pleasure. All the same, it is [God’s] invention, not ours. He made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He has forbidden. Hence we always try to work away from the natural condition of any pleasure to that in which it is least natural, least redolent of its Maker, and least pleasurable. An ever-increasing craving for an ever diminishing pleasure is the formula…. To get the man’s soul and give NOTHING in return–that is what really gladdens [Satan’s] heart.
There is a small amount of porn out there, beautiful couple porn and individual person porn, that celebrates the beauty and wonder of sex as God intends it. Two people who love one another have committed themselves to create a family will then celebrate that union in rapturous, orgasmic joy and pleasure. To watch this rapturous joy and vicariously experience in ourselves is to participate in God’s plan or pleasure and to be brought closer to each other and God. This is why he allowed us into the sexual experiences of Solomon and his Shunnamite wife.
I believe my favorite erotic clip of all times is this scene from “The Neon Bull”. (Warning, this clip shows explicit sex). I see a husband making love to the mother of his child. Watching this sort of erotica does not lead me to (as the “porn addiction” advocates claim) see more depraved porn. In fact, depraved sex has never appealed to me. I have never wanted to humiliate my wife with sex. I have never wanted to “split her open”, “make her gag”, “make her swallow” or “make her” do anything else. Sex is not a matter of “using” one another at all, except in the sense that I want my wife to use ME for her pleasure and vica-versa. Occasionally, when I am sated and not particularly needing sex, I enjoy watching my darling enjoy herself with my body.
When I watch this pure sort of erotica, it makes me a better husband, it makes me a better man. I become more loving, I seek to reach the ideal that the erotica
Now, watching the other stuff does not have the same effect. It can make me more selfish, it can make sex with my wife less loving, less pure, less unselfish.
Of course what we watch affects us. It should. That is why God told us,
“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (Philippians 4:8)
I am not pleased with how much effort that I have to make to find these pure and holy erotic scenes. I wish that someone would create a website that contained links to only these items. What do you think?
Every temptation is not an addiction. Addiction is a medical term, not a spiritual one. As the churches have stopped preaching the gospel of Jesus, they have begun preaching a secular “health” gospel. But while surrendering the authority of the Bible and Christ, they are attempting to argue for the same traditions that held over from more religiously oriented times.
Therefore, while no longer preaching against “lust” they wish to preach against “sex addiction.”
The problem is that medicine is a very poor substitute for God. This article fairly represents how the “porn addiction” nonsense started and why it is not science. If you want to argue against pornography based upon scripture – great – let’s have that discussion. I admit that you have at least a few strong points to make. But if you want to attempt to use MEDICINE then you have nothing of interest to say.
Firstly, the porn addiction advocates have nothing interesting to say because they are not physicians. None of them have any degree higher than a bachelor of arts – except for the occasional, Doctor of Divinity. They don’t do original research, they don’t know how to conduct a clinical study. They don’t know the difference between cohort studies, cross-sectional studies, longitudinal studies, clinical trials, etc. They can’t separate between correlation and causation. They don’t know a category I statistical error from a p-square analysis. They just go searching through google (not google scholar) for any article that supports their pre-determined view.
This is called “confirmation bias” and no one who is participating in it should be allowed to treat anyone.
Secondly the porn addiction advocates have nothing interesting to say because they are arguing dishonestly. If you have a moral or religious position, then that is fine – I have several items that I believe on faith myself. For example, I believe that Jesus was born of a virgin. But it would be insane for me to start trying to prove parthenogenesis (scientific virgin birth) is possible in human beings. It is not. The virgin birth is a miracle, it is not subject to the reasoning of science.
The religious argument against porn is based, I believe, on tradition. A tradition that is very old and has gained ascendancy in the evangelical church for the past couple of centuries. Tradition is not unimportant in religious and moral arguments. Tradition does not always arise by accident and usually has or had a good reason for it in the past. But don’t try to defend it by bringing in poorly understood subjects in science. You simply make yourself foolish.
Finally, the porn addiction advocates have nothing interesting to say because the science doesn’t support their position. Addiction is a very specific thing. At its most basic, it always includes progressive tolerance and pathological effect.
Progressive tolerance is the need for greater amounts of the drug in order to gain the same effect. At first 2 beers could get me buzzed, but now I need 10. But porn only has this effect in the short term. Once the participant has masturbated, it requires more arousal for him to reach climax. But porn does not have this effect over the long term. In fact, the exact opposite happens. The porn viewer becomes more sensitive to porn as he watches more.
In an addiction, the sufferer needs more and more of the substance and enjoys it less and less. This does not happen in porn and sex. When a virgin couple first get married, their sexual unions are awkward and not terribly enjoyable. Only after practice and frequency do they find greater and greater fulfillment. All of sex works this way. Including porn.
The stories of men who started with playboy and ended with torture porn are nonsense. This fairy tale was made up by mass murderer Ted Bundy in an interview with “Dr.” James Dobson. Bundy was trying to find a way to get out of the death penalty. Unsurprisingly, Dobson fell for it and began a movement to get Bundy off. Dobson has a long history of being a good patsy for anyone with a good story.
As any regular viewer of porn will tell you. We do seek higher quality porn, but not more perverse. If porn had to get more perverse in order to be enjoyable, then I should be pretty deep in the mud by now, since I looked at my first playboy at age 11. But, in fact, I don’t like perverse porn. I like a nice high quality video or a couple who show love for one another.
One might argue that my desire for “higher quality” is an increasing tolerance, but this is like saying that enjoying steak is an addiction because one looks for a better restaurant as we grow older.
Secondly, an addiction requires pathological effect. It must hurt the participant. This is why tobacco is an addiction, but caffeine is simply a habit. Porn has not been shown to increase pathological behavior. In fact, the opposite is true. Sex crimes go down when porn becomes more available. Single men seek out fewer illicit liaisons and seek a higher quality of relationship in the women that they court.
If you reply that porn is pathological because it causes problems between couples in which the wife has been indoctrinated with an anti-porn belief, then I am going to tell you that meat is an addiction because you upset vegans by consuming it.
I grew up with the typical Christian upbringing. Which means that as a young teen, I sometimes went to the supermarket, hung around the magazine wrack, hid the playboy in a Sports magazine and looked at naked girls. I felt horribly guilty after I had done this, of course. Because I knew that I had “sinned.”
The Bible says that all have sinned, but does it say that all have sinned in exactly the same way? So what Christian American boy will tell you that he didn’t do this? The liars.
I spent much of my Christian teenage years feeling guilty about sex. About 19 years old or so I managed to stop feeling guilty about masturbation. But my guilt about my eyes accidentally straying to those girls in tight jeans continued until marriage. Even after that, I managed to keep myself in a constant state of weepy repentance by picking up a “dirty” magazine from the convenience store every year or so. Eventually my wife caught me, of course (they always do). And then my guilt was exacerbated by seeing how badly she was hurt. Then I was shamed because she took this “sin” to the pastor so that I could get “help” with my “addiction.”
So, all in all, I have had as good of a life as any sincere American Christian male. Others who were not blessed with a wife like mine, had to deal with their spouse using their “sin” to win arguments. “Well, I may have wrecked your car, but you looked at porn!” Some had wives who used this as an excuse to accomplish the wrecking of the marriage that the wife intended to do all along.
Of course, there may be a few Christian men whose wives haven’t caught them yet.
Then there are those sincere Christian men who have never looked at…. hahahahaha. Sorry, I couldn’t finish that sentence without laughing. No there are a few boys who don’t jack off – but they can be cured with a testosterone shot.
I finally realized that I and every other Christian male were losing this battle because God didn’t intend for us to go without erotica. In fact, God created erotica. This was his intent all along. God likes love and sex. He intends his people to be aroused by thinking about naked people. He created boys to think about bobbies and butts. He knows we think about having sex. He also knows that the more we think about sex, the more we have sex. He knows that boys are rubbing one out and he approves.
Contrary to what you see in the Christian literature out there, a husband and wife who view porn do not cease to have sex with each other, and they do not start having sex with other people. There are no longitudinal histories which show such a finding. The studies that are published with the intention of “proving” porn causes sin are all “cross-sectional.” These studies only prove correlation and not causation. People with higher sex drives watch more porn and have more sex. This is a “duh” finding.
God wants young men to watch porn and masturbate. In so doing, they learn about sex without committing fornication. If they are taught to respect girls and love them, then they will treat the porn as a promise of what they will get when they get married. This is how I used porn before I was married, even though I felt guilty about it. If we produced holy porn, then they would learn how to love women. This sort of erotica exists, although it is outnumbered by the porn that humiliates women.
God wants young girls to watch “chick flix” and learn how good men romance good women. They can watch sweet porn and see how they will one day make love with their husband.
Couples who watch porn either singly and together become erotically excited and have more sex. Despite what the preachers tell you, they do not become estranged from each other.
Now, there is one way in which porn will estrange a couple – if the wife is counseled by the church to fight her husband’s “addiction.” He will rightly resent her holier-than-thou attitude. He will continue to act according to the biological mandates that God created him with, and the result is, eventually, a church-caused divorce.
But God’s ideal is a couple who enjoy erotica both together and separately. A couple who can laugh a sex jokes together and jump in bed and make wild love – or tender love – or just have maintenance sex, preferably 10 to 20 times a week.
Now, there are some people who claim that this doesn’t happen. They have told and listened to horror stories (that the church created) about the “dangers” of porn that they simply don’t believe that a Solomon-like erotic love like this can exist. But I can tell you that it can and does. Once my wife and I surrendered the false traditions that we were raised with, we began living it. I once estimated that we have had sex between 10 and 20 thousand times in our lives. Both of us were virgins when we married and have never had sex with anyone else.
God’s plan is erotic love, erotic art, erotic speech, erotic masturbation, and erotic sex between two people who love one another.
Rick Warren’s wife recently admitted to occasionally viewing porn. Because she is part of the evangelical movement she has to call this occasional use “addiction to porn” even though what she is describing is no more addiction to porn than a vegetarian’s occasional McDonald’s burger is an addiction to meat.
What is happening in the evangelical community is that the traditions of the Victorian age have become internalized until most Christians don’t even realize that we are encourged, not forbidden, to view erotica. As a result, sincere Chritians are spending much of their spiritual energy on an ascetic attempt to “deny the flesh” instead of serving God.
Paul dealt with the same impulse in the early church when he said that “forbidding to marry and commanding to abstain from meats” was a doctrine of devils. (I Tim. 4:3)
The flesh and erotica was created by God, and were intended to be enjoyed by men and women. Christians sexual actions and their erotic thoughts are to be enjoyed either solo or within the boundaries of marriage, because it is within those limits that human beings can best live a holy, healthy, and fulfilled life.
Commanding to abstain from erotica is not Christian anymore than commanding to abstain from meats was Christian in the first century.
One of the greatest challenges facing the man who wishes to be honest about his porn use is overcoming society’s insistence that he is being, somehow, unfaithful to his wife.
Biblically, this insistence makes no sense. If reading about or looking at sexy women or sex acts were adultery, then God would cause us to be commit adultery every time we read the Bible, which doesn’t close the bedroom doors. Privacy is a function of large living spaces, which didn’t exist until after World War II.
The oft quoted Matt 5:28 Whosever looketh after a woman to lust after her… ignores the context of the scripture which talks about hatred being equivalent to murder. Every time I become angry with someone I do not “hate” them. I can be very angry with someone without desiring their death, so also I can be very aroused at the sight of a woman’s body without desiring or scheming to have sex with her.
Only in America are women’s breasts always hidden from sight. In the rest of the world, and in the rest of history, breasts were considered a normal, and very pleasant sight.Clearly the people of the Bible were used to naked breasts in public. Unquestionably the Romans had no problem with them. The Jews certainly appreciated the finer parts of female anatomy. David saw Bathsheba bathing on the rooftop because it was obviously common for women to do this.
The shame of nakedness in history is not associated with a lack of modesty, but rather with poverty. Poor people could not afford enough clothes to be dressed all of the time. But even rich people took off their clothes when they were around water. The bathing suit – like pajamas – is a recent American/English invention.
The pornographic portraits, statues, and literature of the ancient world is pervasive in all cultures. Yet neither Jesus nor Paul and the other New Testament writers mentioned it. They spent their efforts warning against real adultery, real fornication, and real lasciviousness.
The churches are failing fathers because they have lost the concept of masculinity.
When Paul was converted on the road to Damascus, he began preaching Jesus in the marketplace. He made the unconverted Jews so angry that they attempted to kill him. Today, if a man preaches Christ this way he will be informed that he is not be “seeker-friendly”
When Peter was working out on the fishing boat after the Resurrection he worked naked. Today he would be arrested and put on the sex-offender list.
When Abner sent David an invitation to be King of Israel, David told him to return the wife that was given to another man. He went to war to keep the woman that was his. Today, he would be denounced as a brute.
When Solomon was inspired to write a Song of Love, he made no secret of his erotic desire. He publicly described his sexual acts. He proclaimed how much he liked her naked body. He talked about her nudity in detail. He detailed his masturbation. Today he would be called a pornographer and banished to the sinful alleys of the internet.
Today, Christians expect a man to listen to his wife instead of lead his family; to play with his children instead of instruct them; to romance his wife instead of have sex with her; to play soccer instead of hockey; to drink soft drinks instead of beer. To compromise instead of fight for what is his.
None of these things are bad. They are just not MASCULINE. Masculinity is not always the best thing, but it is half of the best thing. It is the half of humanity that God created to express. It is the half that is usually expressed by men.
No man is perfectly masculine. I, personally, never hunt. Frankly, I would rather quilt. I happen to be pretty good at listening(I’m a psychiatrist, after all). But I also have no fear of standing my ground on an issue if I stand all alone. I have often, like, Shammah the son of Agee, stood in the patch of lentils and defend it when everyone else fled.
The point I am making is not that every man has to act like a cave man. But the skills that make a good cave man ought to be encouraged
It happened again this week. Some friends went to the pastor to save their marriage. The man had a “porn addiction”. The result is always the same – the marriage is not saved. The wife continues to go to church, the ex-husband drops out. The children are assured by the church that their daddy is a bad person.
This is because the pastors are not actually being trained in good counseling techniques. Most of them only took a couple of introductory courses during Bible school, learn a little bit more by practicing (malpracticing) on their people with no supervision, and then finally are confirmed in their poor practice by other poor counselors and pastors who have gathered together in organization like “Focus On the Family” which should named Focus On Destroying Fathers.
Firstly, let’s get rid of the idea that God ever intended pastors to be counselors. Just where did this idea come from? Is it in the New Testament. No, it isn’t. In fact, when a man came to Jesus seeking family counseling Jesus said, “Who made me a judge or divider among you?” (Luke 12:14).
How did pastors get into the marital counselor position? They got there because when a couple have a disagreement between themselves, they want an outside authority to force the other side to capitulate. The husband is not obeying the anti-masculine rules that our society has made its new norm. The wife threatens divorce unless the husband agrees to “counseling”, but instead of going to a competent counselor who can actually help, she drags him down to the church, where she knows the pastor will tell the husband that he is “sinning” by acting a like a man. Because of his love for his wife, the husband will attempt to feminize himself for some time. This inevitably fail. When he does fail, the wife will feel holy as she disobeys the direct command of Jesus and leaves him. The church ladies who all participated in the gossip surrounding this breakup will all comfort the ex-wife that she “tried” and the man will be ostracized. The pastor is called into testify that the husband didn’t cooperate with counseling, the children are handed to the mother and told that the father is bad.
No, this has never happened to me. My wife likes me to be a man. Oh, yes, the sisters of the church have tried to force her to adopt the pervasive man-hatred of the church. These women are now divorced and our marriage is strong.
The reason that pastors make bad counselors is because that they look at things in the “sin-righteousness” paradigm. This is not bad. The church is supposed to teach righteousness. They are supposed to teach healthy behaviors and good habits of life. So when a couple comes to the pastor for counseling, he looks for what is “wrong” in the marriage. He attempts to remold this couple into the Platonic ideal of what he has been taught is the “Biblical” model of marriage. He looks for “sin” and attempts to get the couple to let the “Holy Spirit” guide them into righteousness.
But, those of us who happen to be trained in human health – DOCTORS – know that there isn’t a perfect model of the human body or a perfect model of a human relationship. Every body and every relationship is infinitely unique. They cluster around certain norms, but these norms are considerably more diversified than untrained people realize. Hearts are not all the same size or in the same position, the arteries (and especially the veins) are in much different places in the body that we expect. As a psychiatrist, I know that people’s baseline behavior varies very widely.
And the “normal” differences skyrocket when you combine all of these widely varying behaviors into families. Even if you simplify humans into 16 basic personality types (a vast over-simplification) you have 256 different combinations of just two people. Now add in the in-laws, children, cousins…. The number of different combinations is astronomical.
You are not going to solve all of the myriad numbers of things that can go wrong in a marriage by teaching the husband to say, “I hear you saying….” and filling her car with balloons on her birthday. Nor are you going to become a capable pastoral counselor by going out to Colorado Spring, CO, taking a 5 day course and getting a certificate.
You are especially not going to become a capable counselor when you are being taught a method that has no peer-reviewed studies showing its effectiveness. Being told that we don’t need studies since the Bible already told us everything that we need to know is false. The Bible gives us guidelines for STUDY about our relationships with each other. It is not a textbook. God expects us to develop expertise in how these guidelines are implemented in each culture.
It would be nice if the evangelical community decided to develop Christian counselors. It would be nice if they started some peer reviewed periodicals to see how their different methods worked. It would be even nicer if they actually read the Bible instead of just waving it around claiming that it supported their theories. But none of this has happened. Instead non-expert preachers have gotten together, pieced together some ideas based on traditions and then wrote books telling us what GOD SAID.
The third commandment told us to not take the name of the Lord in vain. This means, don’t use God’s name to defend your own ideas and your own vanity. Don’t claim God said something he didn’t say in order to give authority to your bad ideas.
There is one other reason to not go to your pastor for counseling. Because he already has a relationship with you that will get in the way. You will not be honest and open with him and he cannot be honest and open with you. I often have patients tell me that they are very religious and are very involved in their church. I then ask them if they would like their pastor involved in the treatment team. They invariably say “NO.” Why? Because they are afraid of what he will learn about them. They don’t want to discuss their substance abuse, their adultery, their sins. They have to go to church and watch him preach at them for a long time after the treatment is complete. Therefore they hide the true problems from him.
And this goes the other way. The pastor is under pressure to not say certain things to his parisioners. Sometimes I have to tell my patients that they cannot continue to use marijuana if they wish me to continue prescibing for them. I will have to give them a drug test before I will meet with them. Can you imagine a pastor telling a congregant that if he doesn’t stop using pot he will have to leave the church? If he did so, would he be a good pastor?
Don’t go to your Pastor for counseling. He is not appointed by God to be your psychiatrist. He doesn’t know what he is doing. His position prevents him from giving the best treatment. He will destroy you.
I want to make something perfectly clear. I believe in Bible morals. I don’t believe in traditions. The polygamous marriage traditions of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, Solomon and most of the Old Testament saints were not God’s morals. Abraham had sex with his wife’s handmaid and we are still suffering from the results. Jacob had two wives and two concubines and, as a result, 10 brothers sold another into slavery. David felt free to take any woman he wanted, and as a result murdered his friend. Solomon felt free to take a 1000 women and they drew his heart away from God.
God has occasionally allowed men to depart from the perfect plan, but the result in their own lives and others is sadness and pain. The perfect plan is, as Jesus said, One woman, One man for life. Because of the difficulty of actually putting this into practice culture-wide, God allowed divorce – unintended serial monogamy. But Jesus made clear that each time a couple fails to keep a family together and divorce, that they commit adultery. Now, this adultery is not unforgivable. But God makes it clear that breaking up a marriage is more like cutting off an arm than dissolving a partnership.
BUT if I don’t believe in the traditions of Abraham, David, and Solomon, neither do I believe in the traditions of Queen Victoria and “Dr.” James Dobson. God put Solomon’s erotic song of love and sex in the Bible. Therefore God, while warning us against Solomon’s adulterous ways, also endorsed his erotic arousal.
So this is what I believe God’s perfect marriage looks like. One man rejoicing with the wife of his youth. Both of them need not be ashamed of sex. She watches Romantic movies and imagines herself in the arms of her perfect savior with chiseled abs, perfect buttocks, and nice long, hard penis. So she drags him to bed and makes love.
Meanwhile the man sees his wife in every hot young thing that comes by and in every curvy girl around. She is the wife of his youth and he never tires of her. When he watches erotic movies or sees erotic pictures he sees his ideal wife, the wife of his dreams. Of course he knows, intellectually, that she is growing older, but to him she is never old.
Now, the sex drive of both of these people needs feeding. Without feeding, it will fade as they grow older. Eventually they won’t remember how long it has been since they slept together. This has never happened to me, but I have had it reported to me by my patients. So God gave man a way to feed that desire from the outside without violating the exclusivity of the bond. He gave us erotic literature, erotic stories, erotic paintings, erotic statues, and yes, erotic pictures and movies.
Yes, the “Pornography” industry was born in the ’60’s after the Victorian age had shut down all holy erotica. Even in Italy, the governments attached fig leaves over the gorgeous statues of the Renaissance and before. Michelangelo’s David had his manliness covered – thereby hiding the whole point of the stature – IT IS UNCIRCUMCISED.
And so erotica was turned over to the ungodly. And they took full advantage of their ownership. Girl’s lives are destroyed forever. A girl would be better off as a prostitute than a porn actress. At least she can run away from prostitution.
How much better would it have been if the erotic art industry had Christians in it. Christian married couples who acted in stories telling the glories of keeping within God’s guidelines. Christians who would tell stories of holiness and the consequences of sin. The writers of Christian Fiction would not be bound – as they are today – to never use a bad word or describe even a marriage bed scene, or a rape, or fornication or adultery gone wrong.
Do you know that Elijah cursed Ahab’s house by saying that he would kill all of Ahab’s family that “Pissed against a wall” (I Kings 21:21) Did you know that Ezekial said that Israel – his wife – would go whoring after men who had cocks like donkey’s and who spurted like horses. (Ezek 23:20)
If Christian writer said something like that in her book, she would be banned from the Christian Bookstores.
It’s sad that, before the internet, the only place you could buy pornography was to sneak into some dirty bookstore where men hung around trying to catch each others eyes for a hookup. The Christian bookstores ought to have a section of “Love and Sex” with beautiful nudity and wonderful stories of the glories of married erotic love.
Someone did make a trial of it. “Gods and Prophets” tried to paint an accurate and Biblical picture of David, Saul, and Samuel. It showed (gasp) titties. So the churches all spoke against the show and it died after 2 episodes.
This “anti-porn” crusade is not a pro-Bible march. It is a march against the Bible and against Godly morals. It has left Christian men vulnerable by giving a commandment that they could not keep, and therefore casting them into the hands of those like Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner who wished to destroy their souls.
For some time now, Jonah Goldberg of National Review (Twitter @JonahNRO) has been arguing against the cultic nature of the new conservative movement. It is now trendy to defend any behavior as long as it is on the republican “side” and it is the height of heresy to criticism the president, no matter how malicious, dishonest, or unconstitutional his actions might be.
The same spirit has taken over the conservative Christian church. In fact the church may have begun it. Whether discussing moderate alcohol consumption, young earth creationism, porn “addiction”, or whatever the trendy anti-world sermon of the moment, one cannot diverge from the party line on pain of excommunication.
This is not the first time that this sort of thing has happened. During the Reformation people took sides of Consubstantiation, Transubstantion, Pansubstantion, etc based upon whether they were Calvinists, Lutherans, or Catholics and not based upon any understanding of the doctrines involved. Similarly, every protestant had to believe in predestination because the Catholics believed in free-will. In my childhood, we knew that the hippies were wrong, so women must not wear pants and men must not have long hair because that is what the hippies did. Neither could we listen to rock music, watch Jesus Christ Superstar, or like Coca-cola to much (I’d like to teach the world to smile … It’s the real thing…)
I should note that all of these all-or-nothing demands were made because a great ENEMY was determined to be on the other side. Whether that enemy was the Pope, Hippies, or Democrats doesn’t matter. The key is that once we have determined that we have an ENEMY then all individual free-will and any free-thought must be stamped out on our side lest a heretic be allowed to weaken us in the WAR.
The original meaning of heresy is important. A heresy is not, as usually supposed, an unapproved doctrine, but rather is a leader of a schism, of a group of people who don’t take orders from the top. Strangely enough, the excommunication of the heretic is not enforced from the top – but rather by the common people. John Wycliffe was protected by the Lollards despite being excommunicated. It was only when the common people were worked up against the protestant enemy that Bloody Mary could proceed with her burnings.
This blog is promoting a heresy in this sense, the belief that erotica is holy and appropriate to view. I have to write it under a pseudonym lest people in the church punish my family.
So you want your wife to understand and (fantasy) maybe even join you.
There are lots of websites telling you how to confess to your wife but you didn’t come here to find that out.
I’m a psychiatrist and the art of psychiatry is the skill of getting people to act in their own best interest even when they don’t want to. We do this by realizing their perceptual distortions and helping them overcome them.
Everyone, not just schizophrenics, have perceptual distortions. Remember when we used to read comic strips (I know, dinosaur age) Cathy had a perceptual distortion about her weight. Much like an anorexic
Now you think that only sick people think that way, but you are wrong. Everyone does this. I recently got a hair cut and the hair falling in my lap was grey. This is strange, because the hair I see in the mirror is brown. I have to actually cut off a piece and look at it separately before I can perceive it’s true color. I once dyed it and was confused because it didn’t change color (in my mirror) while everyone else laughed at my attempt to look younger.
So your wife thinks that she is fat and ugly. When she looks in the mirror her baby stretch marks stand out like beacons. Her breasts sag like a tribal woman in National Geographic. Her hair is a straggly mess of grey that should belongs in the Salem Witch Trials and her butt is a dimpled mess.
Now you don’t see her that way (or you shouldn’t – if you do, then some family counseling is in order – more in a later post). You see her through eyes of love. Those stretch marks are from your babies that nursed at those lovely breasts. You have mounted that butt with joy uncountable times.
This is why your wife has such a violent (literally sometimes) reaction to the thought of you viewing porn. She thinks that you are wishing to be out of your marriage, to be able to “hit that.” She thinks that you are “lusting in your heart” that you want to sneak off and “get a piece” of that pretty young thing.
Your job is to get her to see it through another lens – through the lens of romantic chick flicks on the Hallmark channel. When Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Sully make out, is she thinking – “Oh, I wish I could kiss that manly tomahawk-wielding hunter in buckskins with long wavy hair”.
No, of course not, she is seeing herself as Dr. Quinn and you are her Sully. That’s why you take her to the theater and sit through chick flix right? For the sex afterwards. Yeah, I know you do and YOU know you do.
Don’t try to argue your side. That will only lead to many long arguments which you may or may not win, depending on your marriage dynamics. You need to tell her how you see her while not giving up your masculinity.
For example. Let’s say that your wife has watched Game of Thrones with you (even though she makes you fast forward through the good parts). Someday, when she is naked, stare at her breasts for a long time, lick your lips, play with a nipple and say, “You know, you look like Daenarys Stormborn but with LOTS bigger boobies.”
Now, you are going to get a rise out of her. She is going to ask what you are doing looking at Danni’s tits. You reply, “Hey, I’m a guy, I like titties. Wanna make love?” She’ll continue to argue, you just keep touching her and telling her how turned on she makes you and asking for immediate sex. Tell her that you are a man, show her your erection and prove it. Even if this ends with, “I’m not have sex with you if you are thinking about other women” You have begun to make your point.
Then, a few days later, after you have had great sex and are cuddling together, you say,
“God, that was hot, I just feel like I fucked <famous pornstar>”
“Who is that”
Yes, she is going to hit you. Be prepared. You’re playing the long game here. She is going to be angry that you just confessed to watching porn. Make sure that you are prepared; don’t lose your temper; don’t raise your voice; just don’t. Your line is “I’m a guy, aren’t you glad that I’m a man and like girls. I sure like you. You turn me on and I love having great sex with you. You’re the only porn star that I have ever made love to. Let’s have sex again.”
You might even ask her, “You’re so hot, can I take some pictures of you to beat-off to when I’m at work.” If she lets you do this, then make sure and call her from work and tell her that you are jacking-off to her pictures.
Her line of attack will be to try to get you to promise to stop it. Tell her, “Ok, if that’s what you want.” But then say that she knows and you know that you will just do it again – no matter how hard you try. Ask her if she wants to know when you look at porn the next time. Then say, “I need you to drain my balls, right now, let’s have sex.”
She will try to get you to get “help” from “mindfulness” or “porn addiction” snake oil “experts” like Gary Wilson. This is your line in the sand. Tell her these guys are doing just as much porn as anyone else and they are not experts and do not have a cure. And then drop it and return to telling her how sexy she is. “Let’s have sex.”
Now, you used a porn actresses name on purpose. That name is going to drive her nuts. SHE IS GOING TO LOOK THAT NAME UP AND WATCH IT. I hope that you didn’t use a name of someone you actually liked, because even after you win the day THAT actress is going to be off the table. You won’t be able to watch anything with her in it ever again. Ok, yes, I may have made that mistake.
So this argument is going to go on for weeks and months. Hold the line without getting mad. Your line is that God made you like this. You like looking at naked women. You are a man and isn’t she glad of that. And (the ultimate argument terminator) she is turning you on by talking about sex this way, “Let’s have sex.”
My heart goes out to her. I am a psychiatrist who deals with narcissists on a regular basis and they are very, very difficult people.
But I am also a little wary. People getting divorced almost always discover that their spouse had a personality disorder.
So, I want to give a word of warning to ladies reading this. Don’t be quick to make a psych diagnosis of your husband. Personality disorder diagnoses are easily given and often wrong – even by experts. They are also used as justification for mistreatment.
For example, a woman who struggles with Borderline Personality traits could write everything in the article and believe it all to be true, when the fact might be that she is the one with the personality disorder traits and is projecting her poor coping skills onto him.
In fact, every Borderline woman (and that is hundreds) that I have treated has told almost exactly this story – including the “Emotional Abuse” part.
NOTE: I AM NOT CLAIMING THAT THE AUTHOR IS THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
I am saying that before you use the popular label “narcissist” to justify leaving your husband, consider the possibility that you may be the one in need of cognitive behavior modification
30 years ago today in Loving v Virginia, the Supreme Court ended bans on interracial marriage.
Do you remember how “Evil” black/white marriages used to be? I am ashamed to say that I used to have some racist friends. I told one of them, one time, that there was nothing wrong with it. He blew up. “It is Worse than Adultery” No Christian could marry a (N-word). God would bar the gates of heaven against such abominations. They even had Bible to back them – Cain’s Mark, Ham’s curse, etc.
We now know that people didn’t get these opinions from the Bible, but from their traditions. The Bible is very explicitly Anti-Racist and Anti-Sexist (“With God there is neither Greek nor Jew, Male nor Female” – Galations)
But people use the Bible to back up their opinions, not vice-versa.
So also the modern opinion of porn is not from the Bible, but from Victorian tradition. It would be foreign to the writers or readers of either the Old or New Testaments.
So many people are saying that we are in a “Civil War” in the United States. NO WE AREN’T and if we were then that would be terrifying and we ought to do everything in our power to make peace.
At Shiloh – just one battle of the Civil War – there were over 23 THOUSAND casualties. That’s 9/11 times 7. Come on, folks. Let’s tighten up our language a bit before we start a LITERAL war.
Similarly, I wish my anti-Porn Christian friends would tighten up their language about “Addiction” You don’t just toss around words like that loosely. Porn is rarely an “Addiction”. Addictions cost people their lives. I deal with Addicts every day. They have lost everything with DUI’s, they stole from the Mothers, they couldn’t stop themselves even when it meant jail and even after and while they were IN jail. Binge Eating disorder (food addiction) turns people in to thousand pound invalids inhaling whole bags of chips.
The only reason that porn causes breakups is because these “PornAddict” and “YourBrainOnPorn” advocates are telling women to break up with their husbands because of his “Addiction”. If these frauds had left the family alone, then they would be close, intimate, and be having hot sex until they died.
Loose lips sink ships, and countries, and marriages.