Yes, a real marriage can compete with porn

The ideal Narnia
Imagining Narnia does not make me despise the Rockies

One of the most arguments against christian married couples enjoying porn together is that the artificial perfection of the women and couples in porn will make the couple unsatisfied with the imperfections in each other.

This argument does not stand up to examination.  Firstly, that is not the experience of couples who watch porn.  Secondly, this argument isn’t used in any other situation.  Thirdly, imagining the ideal is precisely what Christians and Jews have taught as the proper behavior for thousands of years.

Let’s take these one at a time.

Couples who watch porn do not experience decreased desire for each other.

I want some sex now
Looking at perfect couples makes me desire to be a perfect couple

Here is the argument as presented by the “Porn Addiction” specialists.

  1. Porn is an addiction
  2. Addiction results in more need and less desire
  3. Couples who use porn will be less attracted to each other

The article I link to above is by a licensed counselor who quotes peer-reviewed studies to prove his position.  But, like the other porn-addiction advocates, he selectively quotes the studies and misrepresents them.  In this case, in order to prove point 3 he quotes a 2013 study by Staley and Prouse.  “Erotic Viewing Effects on Intimate Relationships and Self/Partner Evaluations

The anti-porn advocate selectively quotes from the “question” part of the study that asks whether erotica-viewing will reduce marital desire.  He then leaves out the results of the study – which contradicts his pre-determined conclusion.  After studying 34 couples who were tested after viewing erotic and non-erotic stimuli.  Here is what the authors wrote.

Participants viewing both the erotic and exciting films reported equivalent increases in excitement; however, the erotic film was rated as slightly more generally arousing and increased participant's desire to be close to their partner...viewing erotic films led to more positive evaluations of one's own sexual behaviors. 

In short, the study states that couples who watched erotica – whether singly or alone – desired each other more.  Of course they did.   They got turned on by the fantasy and wanted some of the real thing from each other.

But why is this.  Shouldn’t the fantasy make the reality less desirable?  No

We use fantasy models all the time

The ideal increases desire for the prosaic
This does not decrease my desire for imperfect food

Remember the wax fruit craze of the ’70’s.  My mother put out a bowl of wax fruit as decoration.  Did you ever try to bite into it?  Well, I did.  Mom was not happy.  I discovered that models rarely taste as good as they look.   Nevertheless, those perfect-looking waxed fruits did whet my desire for real fruit.  If something can LOOK that good, surely somewhere there is something that TASTES that good.

When I go to the department store to buy clothes, I am surrounded by mannequins modelling those clothes.  I know perfectly well that there are no male bodies with perfect abs like that outside of Hollywood (I’ll give you Chris Hemsworth).  I certainly don’t look that nice.  Yet I buy those polo shirts anyway.  The store knows that showing me the ideal will increase my desire for the everyday.

When I watch Grey’s Anatomy with my wife, she knows perfectly well that I will never approach the manly perfection displayed

I Don’t Look McDreamy in my white coat

 

And I don’t look McSteamy OUT of my white coat

But I have gotten my bones jumped a few times after the episode!

Christians believe in Platonic Ideals

School of Athens
Plato taught the heavenly idea.

My point is that healthy brains are perfectly capable of distinguishing between the ideal and the prosaic.  In fact, that is the way our brain works.  We name things by the ideal.  When Adam named the animals, he didn’t name them for ranges of attributes.  (Four legged animal that eats grass, chews cud, and gives milk – coming in a range of colors and sizes) but rather for an ideal (this cow is larger than usual, with black and white spots instead of uniform brown).

As Judea-Christian philosophers, we believe that heaven contains the models of things that exist on earth.  The perfect marriage is Christ and the Church.  Contemplating this perfect love does not cause me to love my wife less, but more.

Ephesians 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

So also, contemplating the perfect sex causes me to love sex with my wife more

Perfect sex fantasy

I know that the sex models aren’t actually that perfect.  That a guy cannot maintain an erection that long, that my wife isn’t going to moan that excitedly.  That we aren’t both going to have simultaneous orgasms very often.   I certainly know that I am not endowed with that many inches.

But that doesn’t keep me from using the inches that God endowed me with to please her and make her as happy as any porn star ever thought of being.

Telling your wife that you watch porn

So you have used porn for years secretly.  Your wife has caught you a few times and you sincerely promised to never do it again.  But a few weeks/months later, you saw a link and… well.  There you were.

Then you started wondering why all men look at porn no matter how religious, Christian, or sincere they are.  What if the reason you keep doing it again is because God never intended you to stop.  There is no “way of escape” because there is no “temptation.”

So you want your wife to understand and (fantasy) maybe even join you.

There are lots of websites telling you how to confess to your wife but you didn’t come here to find that out.

I’m a psychiatrist and the art of psychiatry is the skill of getting people to act in their own best interest even when they don’t want to.  We do this by realizing their perceptual distortions and helping them overcome them.

Everyone, not just schizophrenics, have perceptual distortions.  Remember when we used to read comic strips (I know, dinosaur age)  Cathy had a perceptual distortion about her weight.  Much like an anorexic

Now you think that only sick people think that way, but you are wrong.  Everyone does this.  I recently got a hair cut and the hair falling in my lap was grey.  This is strange, because the hair I see in the mirror is brown.  I have to actually cut off a piece and look at it separately before I can perceive it’s true color.  I once dyed it and was confused because it didn’t change color (in my mirror) while everyone else laughed at my attempt to look younger.

So your wife thinks that she is fat and ugly.  When she looks in the mirror her baby stretch marks stand out like beacons.  Her breasts sag like a tribal woman in National Geographic.  Her hair is a straggly mess of grey that should belongs in the Salem Witch Trials and her butt is a dimpled mess.

Now you don’t see her that way (or you shouldn’t – if you do, then some family counseling is in order – more in a later post).  You see her through eyes of love.   Those stretch marks are from your babies that nursed at those lovely breasts.  You have mounted that butt with joy uncountable times.

This is why your wife has such a violent (literally sometimes) reaction to the thought of you viewing porn.  She thinks that you are wishing to be out of your marriage, to be able to “hit that.”  She thinks that you are “lusting in your heart” that you want to sneak off and “get a piece” of that pretty young thing.

Your job is to get her to see it through another lens – through the lens of romantic chick flicks on the Hallmark channel.  When Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Sully make out, is she thinking – “Oh, I wish I could kiss that manly tomahawk-wielding hunter in buckskins with long wavy hair”.

Quinn kissing Sully. Porn For Wives
If only my husband looked like that

No, of course not, she is seeing herself as Dr. Quinn and you are her Sully.  That’s why you take her to the theater and sit through chick flix right?  For the sex afterwards.  Yeah, I know you do and YOU know you do.

Ok, so in this feminized society where masculinity is hated, and normal men’s erotic desires are despised, how do you convince your wife to go against the Christian culture that pervades your life.

Don’t try to argue your side.  That will only lead to many long arguments which you may or may not win, depending on your marriage dynamics.  You need to tell her how you see her while not giving up your masculinity.

For example.  Let’s say that your wife has watched Game of Thrones with you (even though she makes you fast forward through the good parts).  Someday, when she is naked, stare at her breasts for a long time, lick your lips, play with a nipple and say, “You know, you look like Daenarys Stormborn but with LOTS bigger boobies.”

Now, you are going to get a rise out of her.  She is going to ask what you are doing looking at Danni’s tits.  You reply, “Hey, I’m a guy, I like titties. Wanna make love?”  She’ll continue to argue, you just keep touching her and telling her how turned on she makes you and asking for immediate sex.  Tell her that you are a man, show her your erection and prove it.  Even if this ends with, “I’m not have sex with you if you are thinking about other women” You have begun to make your point.

Then, a few days later,  after you have had great sex and are cuddling together, you say,

“God, that was hot, I just feel like I fucked <famous pornstar>”
“Who is that”
“A pornstar”

Yes, she is going to hit you.  Be prepared.  You’re playing the long game here.  She is going to be angry that you just confessed to watching porn.  Make sure that you are prepared; don’t lose your temper; don’t raise your voice; just don’t.  Your line is “I’m a guy, aren’t you glad that I’m a man and like girls.  I sure like you.  You turn me on and I love having great sex with you.  You’re the only porn star that I have ever made love to. Let’s have sex again.”

You might even ask her, “You’re so hot, can I take some pictures of you to beat-off to when I’m at work.”  If she lets you do this, then make sure and call her from work and tell her that you are jacking-off to her pictures.

Her line of attack will be to try to get you to promise to stop it.  Tell her, “Ok, if that’s what you want.”  But then say that she knows and you know that you will just do it again – no matter how hard you try.  Ask her if she wants to know when you look at porn the next time.  Then say, “I need you to drain my balls, right now, let’s have sex.”

She will try to get you to get “help” from “mindfulness” or “porn addiction”  snake oil “experts” like Gary Wilson.   This is your line in the sand.  Tell her these guys are doing just as much porn as anyone else and they are not experts and do not have a cure.  And then drop it and return to telling her how sexy she is.  “Let’s have sex.”

Now, you used a porn actresses name on purpose.  That name is going to drive her nuts.  SHE IS GOING TO LOOK THAT NAME UP AND WATCH IT. I hope that you didn’t use a name of someone you actually liked, because even after you win the day THAT actress is going to be off the table.  You won’t be able to watch anything with her in it ever again.  Ok, yes, I may have made that mistake.

So this argument is going to go on for weeks and months.  Hold the line without getting mad.  Your line is that God made you like this. You like looking at naked women.  You are a man and isn’t she glad of that.  And (the ultimate argument terminator) she is turning you on by talking about sex this way, “Let’s have sex.”