And yet, when you peer closer at the data, it turns out that extramarital sex is changing before our very eyes. While the overall rate of people reporting extramarital flings is the same, the demographics of the people who report the adultery are changing dramatically. And not necessarily in the direction you might think.
The millennials, with their Tinder and their sexting and their God-knows-what-they-get-up-to-on-those-interwebs, are not driving this trend. It’s the baby boomers, with their Jimi Hendrix box sets and their Viagra prescriptions and their dog-eared copy of “The Joy of Sex” that they thought they’d lost four moves ago. People under the age of 55 are actually having markedly less extramarital sex than people in that age group did in the 1990s. But people over the age of 55 are busy making up for their missed action.
Think about what this means. The same generation X that has decided that porn is not a problem has decided that adultery is. It is not that porn has not changed their behavior – of course what you watch changes your behavior. More women engaged in lesbian sex before marriage, more anal sex, and more genital grooming, but when this generation of men and women got married, they decided to stay faithful.
Why, I am sure that the “your brain on porn” advocates told us that they would all become sex-addicts, that watching porn would cause them to become more and more addicted, that their brains would shrink, that they would lose the ability to control their sexual desires….
It seems that the opposite has happened – as real scientists told us that it would – that these people would become more discriminating about sex, that they would be able to enter marriage without the passion of unresolved sexual tension, that they could therefore stay married longer and be more faithful during their marriage.
But I didn’t have to wait for science to tell me this (though I am a psychiatrist and I make sure that my opinions are always informed by science). The Bible told me this a long time ago. God told me that erotica was part of normal and holy life, he inspired Solomon to write it for me to enjoy. He also told me that erotica ought to point toward and idealize marital love. That is why I created the Holy Erotica site, so that Christians could take back erotica from the sinners.
If more people would make sites like this, more Christian couples would make erotica for others to enjoy, then we would not find lesbianism and anal sex increasing, instead you would find Christian marriages lasting longer and being stronger.
So, it is my position that Christian men can view what is considered pornography (wrongly called, it should be erotica) without being wrong. I say this for three reasons. Firstly, holy erotica is God-ordained and inspired. Secondly, it is healthy. Thirdly, sincere holy men have been looking at “dirty” art for thousands of years without our religion being destroyed.
Firstly, Erotica is God-ordained. The Bible includes everything necessary for a Christian life. God knew that people would be angry at life’s injustices, so he put in the book of Job. He knew that people would question him, so he put in many of the Psalms and the book of Habakkuk. He knew that people would feel hopeless as they approached old age, so he put in the book of Ecclesiastes. Proverbs is filled with miscellaneous advice on thousands of important subjects.
And God knew that single people should be reminded how wonderful married love is, and he knew that married people would need to encourage their sexual desire so that it would not become humdrum. So he put in the play of the Song of Solomon that includes nudity, erotica, and explicit sexual imagery. Solomon had this play performed live in his court – in short – he had live sex shows, since video hadn’t been invented yet. God included this “porn” (actually erotica) in his Bible for a reason. That reason is to inform us that in our railing against adulter and fornication we should not forget that marital sex was invented by God for the pleasure of his people.
Secondly, Erotica is healthy. Despite what you read about from non-physician, non-psychiatrist, pseudo-experts like “YourBrainOnPorn” Gary Wilson; studies do NOT show that your brain is harmed by viewing erotica. In fact, a recent study showed that couples who overcome the imposed guilt of the legalistic churches were drawn closer together, even if the erotica was viewed alone. If brains were truly damaged so badly by porn, then the 70% of men who ADMIT that the view porn regularly and the 29% who lie about it would be wandering the streets waiting to murder and rape women. And yet, most marriages seem to survive and thrive in spite of these poor husbands’ brains being destroyed. We would like to provide a study showing that marriages survive more when men view porn, but we can’t find any men who don’t watch porn. The “Porn Addiction” so much quoted by these pseudo-experts simply doesn’t exist, which is why the psychiatrists did not include it as a diagnosis in the newly released Diagnostic Statistical Manual 5(DSM5). Vegetarians want to define bacon as an addiction, and the new puritans want to define erotica as an addiction. Neither is.
Thirdly, sincere Christian men are already viewing porn. Yes, I know, Christians sin all the time. But if the Holy Spirit is really guiding ANY Christians and God hates porn so much, then SOME of them should be overcoming. Yet the studies show that there is no difference between the porn viewing habits of proclaiming Christians and non-believers. That is because God is not helping men to overcome an act that he never forbade.
The church, dominated the dear sisters who don’t understand the biological desire that God gave all men keep trying to accomplish the impossible. The natural result is a church empty of men. Pastors who counsel marital couples when the husbands porn “addiction” is discovered actually destroy the marriage.
I have just launched HolyErotica.com. It I have launched this site for the purpose of providing Christians with depictions of pure, loving, and holy sex. Here is my mission statement for the site.
What is “Holy Erotica”
Holy Sex is between a husband and a wife. God intended men (and women) to be excited by the thought of sex. He intended us to be excited about beautiful bodies and the thought of sex with them. There is nothing wrong and everything right about us enjoying written and visual depictions of sex. But these depictions should either be depictions of holy sex or if the sex is unholy, then the depiction ought to include an unattractive end result of sin – which is sorrow, pain, and death.
Genesis 1:27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
Sex should be beautiful, pure, loving, and kind. It should not involve more than two people. It should not include humiliation, bondage or pain. Both people involved in the erotic depiction should appear to love one another and enjoy the act.
Song of Solomon 8:7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned.
Good art depicts the ideal, the perfect. So Holy Erotica will show perfect sex. Of course, in real life perfection does not exist, but that doesn’t mean I want to see imperfection. I don’t watch romantic movies where they live unhappily ever after and I don’t watch porn that has pimpled, ugly, fat, and old people. If I wanted to see an old fat guy having sex I would put a mirror on my bedroom ceiling.
Our imaginations were intended to be on holy and pure things. So the videos on this site will show pure sex, between two people or one person with their own self, in its most pure form.
Phillippians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
I know that most porn is produced by unmarried partners, but the sex act, itself is holy. Just as a beautiful meal can be consumed by a glutton, so also the holy act of sex can be participated in by sinful people. In my mind, the sex depicted is presumed to be marital – I don’t ask for marriage certificates.
I Corinthians 10:27-28 If any of them that believe not bid you to a feast, and ye be disposed to go; whatsoever is set before you, eat, asking no question for conscience sake. But if any man say unto you, This is offered in sacrifice unto idols, eat not for his sake that shewed it, and for conscience sake: for the earth is the Lord’s, and the fulness thereof:
If, in the depiction, the participants state that they are unmarried, then that video will not be intentionally on this site.
So, the “porn” (really erotica) on this HolyErotica.com site are going to be either solo or between (presumably) married couples who love one another and are mutually enjoying the act. If there is any gagging, “make her swallow”, spanking, BDSM, anal, gang-bangs or other humiliating acts, and (of course) underage sex, then it is by accident and I would appreciate being contacted and informed of my oversight.
Despite the claims of the “porn addiction” crowd, I have viewed porn for over four decades without any desire to “escalate” to depraved acts. I love sex with my wife as much today as I did on our marriage day when we gave our virginity to each other. We both enjoy it a lot more than we did that night because we have gained some skills in the intervening decades – some of those skills were gained by watching “porn.”
One of the greatest challenges facing the man who wishes to be honest about his porn use is overcoming society’s insistence that he is being, somehow, unfaithful to his wife.
Biblically, this insistence makes no sense. If reading about or looking at sexy women or sex acts were adultery, then God would cause us to be commit adultery every time we read the Bible, which doesn’t close the bedroom doors. Privacy is a function of large living spaces, which didn’t exist until after World War II.
The oft quoted Matt 5:28 Whosever looketh after a woman to lust after her… ignores the context of the scripture which talks about hatred being equivalent to murder. Every time I become angry with someone I do not “hate” them. I can be very angry with someone without desiring their death, so also I can be very aroused at the sight of a woman’s body without desiring or scheming to have sex with her.
Only in America are women’s breasts always hidden from sight. In the rest of the world, and in the rest of history, breasts were considered a normal, and very pleasant sight.Clearly the people of the Bible were used to naked breasts in public. Unquestionably the Romans had no problem with them. The Jews certainly appreciated the finer parts of female anatomy. David saw Bathsheba bathing on the rooftop because it was obviously common for women to do this.
The shame of nakedness in history is not associated with a lack of modesty, but rather with poverty. Poor people could not afford enough clothes to be dressed all of the time. But even rich people took off their clothes when they were around water. The bathing suit – like pajamas – is a recent American/English invention.
The pornographic portraits, statues, and literature of the ancient world is pervasive in all cultures. Yet neither Jesus nor Paul and the other New Testament writers mentioned it. They spent their efforts warning against real adultery, real fornication, and real lasciviousness.
The churches are failing fathers because they have lost the concept of masculinity.
When Paul was converted on the road to Damascus, he began preaching Jesus in the marketplace. He made the unconverted Jews so angry that they attempted to kill him. Today, if a man preaches Christ this way he will be informed that he is not be “seeker-friendly”
When Peter was working out on the fishing boat after the Resurrection he worked naked. Today he would be arrested and put on the sex-offender list.
When Abner sent David an invitation to be King of Israel, David told him to return the wife that was given to another man. He went to war to keep the woman that was his. Today, he would be denounced as a brute.
When Solomon was inspired to write a Song of Love, he made no secret of his erotic desire. He publicly described his sexual acts. He proclaimed how much he liked her naked body. He talked about her nudity in detail. He detailed his masturbation. Today he would be called a pornographer and banished to the sinful alleys of the internet.
Today, Christians expect a man to listen to his wife instead of lead his family; to play with his children instead of instruct them; to romance his wife instead of have sex with her; to play soccer instead of hockey; to drink soft drinks instead of beer. To compromise instead of fight for what is his.
None of these things are bad. They are just not MASCULINE. Masculinity is not always the best thing, but it is half of the best thing. It is the half of humanity that God created to express. It is the half that is usually expressed by men.
No man is perfectly masculine. I, personally, never hunt. Frankly, I would rather quilt. I happen to be pretty good at listening(I’m a psychiatrist, after all). But I also have no fear of standing my ground on an issue if I stand all alone. I have often, like, Shammah the son of Agee, stood in the patch of lentils and defend it when everyone else fled.
The point I am making is not that every man has to act like a cave man. But the skills that make a good cave man ought to be encouraged
It happened again this week. Some friends went to the pastor to save their marriage. The man had a “porn addiction”. The result is always the same – the marriage is not saved. The wife continues to go to church, the ex-husband drops out. The children are assured by the church that their daddy is a bad person.
This is because the pastors are not actually being trained in good counseling techniques. Most of them only took a couple of introductory courses during Bible school, learn a little bit more by practicing (malpracticing) on their people with no supervision, and then finally are confirmed in their poor practice by other poor counselors and pastors who have gathered together in organization like “Focus On the Family” which should named Focus On Destroying Fathers.
Firstly, let’s get rid of the idea that God ever intended pastors to be counselors. Just where did this idea come from? Is it in the New Testament. No, it isn’t. In fact, when a man came to Jesus seeking family counseling Jesus said, “Who made me a judge or divider among you?” (Luke 12:14).
How did pastors get into the marital counselor position? They got there because when a couple have a disagreement between themselves, they want an outside authority to force the other side to capitulate. The husband is not obeying the anti-masculine rules that our society has made its new norm. The wife threatens divorce unless the husband agrees to “counseling”, but instead of going to a competent counselor who can actually help, she drags him down to the church, where she knows the pastor will tell the husband that he is “sinning” by acting a like a man. Because of his love for his wife, the husband will attempt to feminize himself for some time. This inevitably fail. When he does fail, the wife will feel holy as she disobeys the direct command of Jesus and leaves him. The church ladies who all participated in the gossip surrounding this breakup will all comfort the ex-wife that she “tried” and the man will be ostracized. The pastor is called into testify that the husband didn’t cooperate with counseling, the children are handed to the mother and told that the father is bad.
No, this has never happened to me. My wife likes me to be a man. Oh, yes, the sisters of the church have tried to force her to adopt the pervasive man-hatred of the church. These women are now divorced and our marriage is strong.
The reason that pastors make bad counselors is because that they look at things in the “sin-righteousness” paradigm. This is not bad. The church is supposed to teach righteousness. They are supposed to teach healthy behaviors and good habits of life. So when a couple comes to the pastor for counseling, he looks for what is “wrong” in the marriage. He attempts to remold this couple into the Platonic ideal of what he has been taught is the “Biblical” model of marriage. He looks for “sin” and attempts to get the couple to let the “Holy Spirit” guide them into righteousness.
But, those of us who happen to be trained in human health – DOCTORS – know that there isn’t a perfect model of the human body or a perfect model of a human relationship. Every body and every relationship is infinitely unique. They cluster around certain norms, but these norms are considerably more diversified than untrained people realize. Hearts are not all the same size or in the same position, the arteries (and especially the veins) are in much different places in the body that we expect. As a psychiatrist, I know that people’s baseline behavior varies very widely.
And the “normal” differences skyrocket when you combine all of these widely varying behaviors into families. Even if you simplify humans into 16 basic personality types (a vast over-simplification) you have 256 different combinations of just two people. Now add in the in-laws, children, cousins…. The number of different combinations is astronomical.
You are not going to solve all of the myriad numbers of things that can go wrong in a marriage by teaching the husband to say, “I hear you saying….” and filling her car with balloons on her birthday. Nor are you going to become a capable pastoral counselor by going out to Colorado Spring, CO, taking a 5 day course and getting a certificate.
You are especially not going to become a capable counselor when you are being taught a method that has no peer-reviewed studies showing its effectiveness. Being told that we don’t need studies since the Bible already told us everything that we need to know is false. The Bible gives us guidelines for STUDY about our relationships with each other. It is not a textbook. God expects us to develop expertise in how these guidelines are implemented in each culture.
It would be nice if the evangelical community decided to develop Christian counselors. It would be nice if they started some peer reviewed periodicals to see how their different methods worked. It would be even nicer if they actually read the Bible instead of just waving it around claiming that it supported their theories. But none of this has happened. Instead non-expert preachers have gotten together, pieced together some ideas based on traditions and then wrote books telling us what GOD SAID.
The third commandment told us to not take the name of the Lord in vain. This means, don’t use God’s name to defend your own ideas and your own vanity. Don’t claim God said something he didn’t say in order to give authority to your bad ideas.
There is one other reason to not go to your pastor for counseling. Because he already has a relationship with you that will get in the way. You will not be honest and open with him and he cannot be honest and open with you. I often have patients tell me that they are very religious and are very involved in their church. I then ask them if they would like their pastor involved in the treatment team. They invariably say “NO.” Why? Because they are afraid of what he will learn about them. They don’t want to discuss their substance abuse, their adultery, their sins. They have to go to church and watch him preach at them for a long time after the treatment is complete. Therefore they hide the true problems from him.
And this goes the other way. The pastor is under pressure to not say certain things to his parisioners. Sometimes I have to tell my patients that they cannot continue to use marijuana if they wish me to continue prescibing for them. I will have to give them a drug test before I will meet with them. Can you imagine a pastor telling a congregant that if he doesn’t stop using pot he will have to leave the church? If he did so, would he be a good pastor?
Don’t go to your Pastor for counseling. He is not appointed by God to be your psychiatrist. He doesn’t know what he is doing. His position prevents him from giving the best treatment. He will destroy you.
So you want your wife to understand and (fantasy) maybe even join you.
There are lots of websites telling you how to confess to your wife but you didn’t come here to find that out.
I’m a psychiatrist and the art of psychiatry is the skill of getting people to act in their own best interest even when they don’t want to. We do this by realizing their perceptual distortions and helping them overcome them.
Everyone, not just schizophrenics, have perceptual distortions. Remember when we used to read comic strips (I know, dinosaur age) Cathy had a perceptual distortion about her weight. Much like an anorexic
Now you think that only sick people think that way, but you are wrong. Everyone does this. I recently got a hair cut and the hair falling in my lap was grey. This is strange, because the hair I see in the mirror is brown. I have to actually cut off a piece and look at it separately before I can perceive it’s true color. I once dyed it and was confused because it didn’t change color (in my mirror) while everyone else laughed at my attempt to look younger.
So your wife thinks that she is fat and ugly. When she looks in the mirror her baby stretch marks stand out like beacons. Her breasts sag like a tribal woman in National Geographic. Her hair is a straggly mess of grey that should belongs in the Salem Witch Trials and her butt is a dimpled mess.
Now you don’t see her that way (or you shouldn’t – if you do, then some family counseling is in order – more in a later post). You see her through eyes of love. Those stretch marks are from your babies that nursed at those lovely breasts. You have mounted that butt with joy uncountable times.
This is why your wife has such a violent (literally sometimes) reaction to the thought of you viewing porn. She thinks that you are wishing to be out of your marriage, to be able to “hit that.” She thinks that you are “lusting in your heart” that you want to sneak off and “get a piece” of that pretty young thing.
Your job is to get her to see it through another lens – through the lens of romantic chick flicks on the Hallmark channel. When Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman and Sully make out, is she thinking – “Oh, I wish I could kiss that manly tomahawk-wielding hunter in buckskins with long wavy hair”.
No, of course not, she is seeing herself as Dr. Quinn and you are her Sully. That’s why you take her to the theater and sit through chick flix right? For the sex afterwards. Yeah, I know you do and YOU know you do.
Don’t try to argue your side. That will only lead to many long arguments which you may or may not win, depending on your marriage dynamics. You need to tell her how you see her while not giving up your masculinity.
For example. Let’s say that your wife has watched Game of Thrones with you (even though she makes you fast forward through the good parts). Someday, when she is naked, stare at her breasts for a long time, lick your lips, play with a nipple and say, “You know, you look like Daenarys Stormborn but with LOTS bigger boobies.”
Now, you are going to get a rise out of her. She is going to ask what you are doing looking at Danni’s tits. You reply, “Hey, I’m a guy, I like titties. Wanna make love?” She’ll continue to argue, you just keep touching her and telling her how turned on she makes you and asking for immediate sex. Tell her that you are a man, show her your erection and prove it. Even if this ends with, “I’m not have sex with you if you are thinking about other women” You have begun to make your point.
Then, a few days later, after you have had great sex and are cuddling together, you say,
“God, that was hot, I just feel like I fucked <famous pornstar>”
“Who is that”
Yes, she is going to hit you. Be prepared. You’re playing the long game here. She is going to be angry that you just confessed to watching porn. Make sure that you are prepared; don’t lose your temper; don’t raise your voice; just don’t. Your line is “I’m a guy, aren’t you glad that I’m a man and like girls. I sure like you. You turn me on and I love having great sex with you. You’re the only porn star that I have ever made love to. Let’s have sex again.”
You might even ask her, “You’re so hot, can I take some pictures of you to beat-off to when I’m at work.” If she lets you do this, then make sure and call her from work and tell her that you are jacking-off to her pictures.
Her line of attack will be to try to get you to promise to stop it. Tell her, “Ok, if that’s what you want.” But then say that she knows and you know that you will just do it again – no matter how hard you try. Ask her if she wants to know when you look at porn the next time. Then say, “I need you to drain my balls, right now, let’s have sex.”
She will try to get you to get “help” from “mindfulness” or “porn addiction” snake oil “experts” like Gary Wilson. This is your line in the sand. Tell her these guys are doing just as much porn as anyone else and they are not experts and do not have a cure. And then drop it and return to telling her how sexy she is. “Let’s have sex.”
Now, you used a porn actresses name on purpose. That name is going to drive her nuts. SHE IS GOING TO LOOK THAT NAME UP AND WATCH IT. I hope that you didn’t use a name of someone you actually liked, because even after you win the day THAT actress is going to be off the table. You won’t be able to watch anything with her in it ever again. Ok, yes, I may have made that mistake.
So this argument is going to go on for weeks and months. Hold the line without getting mad. Your line is that God made you like this. You like looking at naked women. You are a man and isn’t she glad of that. And (the ultimate argument terminator) she is turning you on by talking about sex this way, “Let’s have sex.”